To think this was a d!ck move

[Lotsa]

Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.

Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.

This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.

What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.

Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.

I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.

@Selfsetfree I agree. He does need to be kinder to me..if the shoe was on the other foot regardless of a feud I still would have made sure he could eat. Particularly if I knew he was feeling ill from feeding our newborn all night.

This is where I just don't get him as a person and cannot relate. It feels malicious

@UnreadyEthel no because I already asked him to have DC so I could eat. He agreed but after he decided my "mood" was too petty over a "drink" he put DC down without telling me and walked out.

There is an interview somewhere online with Michelle Obama where she talks about how things change post kids and you can’t ‘slay your dragons’ in the same way as you used to. And if you can, there’s massive inequality that needs to be fixed. I feel like it’s relevant here in that your husband may have his dream business and be enjoying his work life but that doesn’t mean he gets to check out of the family he is 50% responsible for. Just brining in the money is not enough. Having a young family is hard on you both. Why does he get a free pass?

I think it is particularly infuriating when men get cross and strop off whilst you look after kids. I couldn’t do it but a huge part of me would be tempted to join him in the garden and leave the baby inside crying - no doubt he would ask where the baby is and you’d be made out to look bad when he did exactly the same thing.

i think this phase of life is incredibly hard and I dont think any huge decisions should be made when you’re in the trenches (unless there’s abuse, of course). I think it’s hard but you need to keep communicating when you’re overwhelmed. Tell your husband you will be taking an hour on Saturday and an hour on Sunday and you will not be available. That’s literally two hours in a week - not unreasonable - if he can’t cope with that, he isn’t a proper father. Wash, do your hair, nap, walk around the block. Just feel like you for a minute. Don’t just accept that this is the dynamic and he’s happier at work. You guys created children together. He needs to do better and I’m afraid that means you have to keep forcing him to try. And re communicating, if that’s his issue you don’t need couples counselling. He needs counselling by himself to figure out why he finds that so hard. I think couples counselling often makes sense only after you’ve figured out your own issues. I find it quite infuriating when adults say “this is who I am, I just can’t talk about emotions” or similar when they have the ability (with lots of work) to change this.

I hope you have some family members or friends nearby to give you a bit hug. You’re doing amazing things for your children. Don’t think that automatically means none of your needs matter.

@Lotsa that wasn't really a talk, well not a good enough one.
You need a new one.

when I was pregnant it went along these lines, long time now, so sketchy but something like

"obviously financially it makes sense to concentrate on you bringing in cash (his career had/has the potential to be far more lucrative) but that puts me in a precarious position if I give up work"
"well it doesn't because we are married you get half of everything"
"quite right I am doing half the work, not paid work but still half of what we need to be done and what about my pension NI contributions"
"have you checked your pension tracker on the government website"
"course not I'm 31"
"well go and check it"
......
"working it out once youngster is 12 I will then need 7 qualifying years"
he checks his
"and when youngster is 12 I will still need 15 how is this right"
"because I signed on between a levels and college so got in the system"
"I worked that summer as a labourer"
"bet you didn't pay tax, NI though, all cash in hand you need to get into the system babe"
"seems unfair"
"you need to work 15 years after youngster turns 12 regardless"
"I'll bump up the private pension so our state pensions won't matter - they'll be means tested by then anyway"
"fine do that then"

That's a talk - of sorts.

and say it's nobody's business

yet they keep posting on here saying it’s so stressful, what do I do etc etc. Unless he did a 180 change surely his behaviour is not a complete surprise, he must have been like this with the first? Wait let me guess - you desperately wanted a second and didn’t want a big age gap.

The not being married or having financial equality aspect is important as it feeds into the relationship dynamic of him not respecting you and not having to worry about what happens if you split, where you do - so it creates a power imbalance where he feels he can treat you like this because he holds all the cards financially and you won't leave whatever he does as he has all the assets. Getting yourself out to work once the youngest is old enough will help balance this out I think. But don't hand him all the power so he can abuse it.

Is “simp” your word or his? Because if it’s a word he uses to describe men doing kind things for their partners I’d be really worried about what kind of man he is.

Depends on the country. And if it's England unless their house is in both names she'll be entitled to nothing but cns, which won't be much if it's a new business her dp has started.
OP babies can be left wile yoy eat and shower, even if they're crying. Dint fall into mummy martyr mode, take care of yourself and then I think things will become a bit clearer.

OP, I would love to tell you that it gets better but I highly doubt it. My DH is the same. He's absolutely rubbish at communicating - I can sit there in tears specifically telling him that I'm upset and I need comfort and he'll just stand there in utter confusion. At the risk of trotting out the cliche, I suspect that he is on the autistic spectrum as he genuinely cannot seem to understand that other people have thoughts and feelings different to his own way of processing things, and his impulse control is poor.

When I had our DD he was very attentive and would bring me food and drink - even holding the straw so I could sip whilst feeding the baby. And this was us with just one child to look after. But he still put his own wants ahead of anything and would buggar off to do his new hobby every chance that he got, leaving me with the newborn and two dogs! It caused a great deal of resentment on my part and there were arguments. One particular day I told him during a row (him claiming that he had to be able to have his hobbies and time to himself) that if he didn't like it then he knew what he could do and just fuck off!! That seemed to hit a note and he was horrified that I felt that way. I'd like to say that he's less selfish nowadays but he's not. I have simply adjusted my expectations and put less in myself. Not ideal but there we are. We are decades down the road down and have a good life but the differing communication style still rears up and bugs me.

I hope you can find a resolution and that things work out for you.

Now you know you are in a vulnerable position ( and therefore your children too) you need to start to plan to protect yourself and your children. I would let DP know that you will be going back to work full time after maternity leave so he needs to start to pull his weight with the kids as it will be a partnership when you go back to work. Don’t support someone career at the expense of your basic needs especially when he can’t be arsed getting you a drink.

YANBU but you are totally vulnerable so I don't know if there's anything you can really do about it.

If he won't communicate in the moment tell him in a letter that his behaviour is going to damage your relationship, and the relationship he has with his children for the long term. State specifically and explicitly what you need from him. Tell him that his role as a father is non-negotiable and should not be contingent on his feelings towards you.

Practically, it may be the right thing to get married - although I don't know why on earth you haven't already - but emotionally, I don't know if I could do it. What is your own financial position? Do you have savings or a career to resume?

He's really really nasty and unkind, he doesn;t love you because no one would behave the way he is behaving to someone they love. If you love someone, it i unbearable to see them struggling and suffering and all your instinct make you want to help them in whatever way you can.

He won't change, 'nasty' is who he is, it is his personality. Interesting how these vile men never want to talk about things, because they know they don't have any answers for their repulsive behaviour.

While he is at work you are also working full time looking after the children, when he gets home, those children should be a joint responsibility. They are his children, why is he so thick that he doesn;t understand that if you can;t look after yourself and eat properly, you can't look after the children to the best of your ability?

He sounds like a feeble excuse of a man. Do you really want to spend your life with someone ike that? Do you want your children growing up thinking that this is how you behave towards those you are upposed to love ?

I very much thought this also 😬. I mean unless his mom financially or otherwise abused his dad through disingenuous manipulation, then he’s actually even had a good male role model. And yet, interprets that seemingly positive relationship as his dad ‘simping’?! And then treats OP like he should be on a pedestal just because why? He’s the one that goes out to earn?!

@Lotsa i don’t know how deep your love is for this man but early signs are not good. He really needs counselling to get on top of his moodiness, pettiness and inability to communicate. He absolutely also needs to step up and be a dad ‘in the home’ as well as the breadwinner - it’s not one or the other.

As PP have said, I’m not sure you can trust DP to have your back long-term so as soon as you are able, it would really be in your interests to get back in the job market, earning financial independence from him. Put away what you can afford for a secret rainy day fund also. You’re being very strong and sound like a fantastic mom to your kids. Wishing you the best ♥️

So your partner shuts you down and defends himself every time you want to talk about any difficulties or decisions for the future.
He's always right and it’s his way or the highway.
He wants to get home after work and relax and it does his head in, that you need support as in his head, life is all about him!
When he does begrudgingly help, he passive aggressively does it to make the situation worse.
He is jealous that all your attention is on the children and resents them and you, for not putting him first.
The children are too needy, they cry and he regrets you having them.
He believes he should have a hero’s welcome, when he comes home, a bath run with candles and a four course meal. Sex on tap and you being oh so grateful for him being the breadwinner.

I literally cannot believe some of the responses on here. Let’s remember this OP is newly pp, and struggling!!

If the child benefit is being paid into the same account which pays the mortgage or bills, you can indeed claim from the sale of the family home.

OP is not “fucked”. Relationships take work, both OP and DH are going through stressful experiences.
Having said that, there are options for OP if she wants to leave the relationship. Financial support from the state, and the father of her children. OP can get back on her feet. I have been in this position, it’s not easy but it is possible.

@Glitterballofdreams how did you manage that?

If the child benefit is being paid into the same account which pays the mortgage or bills, you can indeed claim from the sale of the family home.

On which planet is there such a law…

You want a drink from Starbucks and he said no as it's caving? Don't marry this absolute tosser.

This is the exact clause that my solicitor used when I split with my partner. We were not married, but our joint account received the child benefit, this account also paid the mortgage and bills.
my solicitor placed a restriction on the property, whereby my ex could not sell it without my permission. And I did not give permission until he agreed to pay me what was rightfully mine. 😊

Well, marrying him is probably the only chance you've got for some security, unless you're planning to leave and have some way of supporting yourself.

Much as the horse has very much bolted, you know you're not compatible as a couple. You've had "plenty" of couples counselling in the past and even your counsellor has said you're not compatible. And yet you've gone on to have not one, but two children with him AND given up work, and with it thus any form of financial independence. Why would anyone do this?

@BrightYellowDaffodil I was working with first DC. I left because the work during mid pregnancy.

Which changes the issue of you being incompatible and choosing to have children with someone like that...how?

I sought legal advice. We tried talking it through with legal support however my ex was not willing to give me anything.
My solicitor placed a restriction on the house, whereby my ex needed me to remove the restriction before he could sell. You will need bank statements, etc.

It was a long process but always fight for what is rightfully yours. You may be entitled to legal aid as you’re not working.

I was working 16 hours a week when I left my ex, but I was able to privately rent a house for me and the children, with help from benefits to top up my wages.
This was only temporary, and I have since managed to buy my own home.

Speak to citizens advice, there is lots of free support out there to help you.

Good Advice OP.

Take this step by step... You've had a very tough time with the c section. I know how hard it is settling in new baby with an active toddler. Esp when baby is cluster feeding.

Just wanted to say. It will not always be like this... things will settle down.

So set your priorities. Do online shops and order yourself exactly what you need. No dragging around a supermarket with the pair of them atm. Although in a heatwave.. I used to take them to the supermarket for the air con. to cool down.

Remind yourself that at the moment nothing matters but getting yourself, the baby and toddler fed and looked after through the day.

Do you have any relatives, friends who can help? Or go stay with for a bit of TLC. Could you get a temporary cleaner to come and help? They used to have "Mother's Helps" back in the day maybe the health visitor can recommend. Just something temporary whilst you get back on your feet. If you can get anyone to make you some sandwiches.. you can freeze or get some micro meals ( not great but at least you will eat.) In fact talk to your health visitor anyway and see what advice they have (it will be more up to date).

When you are feeling a bit less pressured. You need to say to DH to be without emotive language. Listen. I need your help. You are not here to see what a struggle this is, but I need you do 1). 2). 3) - give him three simple tasks.. even if its just I need you to take the toddler into the garden and play with them or supervise their tea whilst I do more cluster feeding.
I need you to give toddler a bath and bedtime story this evening.

Phrase it in a no discussion way. If he starts "defending" himself.. don't engage. Just say. I understand but I need you to give toddler a bath. They want time with their dad.. (on repeat, but calmly.) ... or There's no need to discuss it - its a very simple ask.

You need to get married
How have you got yourself in such a bad situation
Never be a SAHM if your not married.
Concentrate on getting the wedding sorted ,so you have some financial security