To think this was a d!ck move

[Lotsa]

Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.

Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.

This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.

What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.

Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.

I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.

Firstly, most post partum men are not as vulnerable as post partum women (I say most as some may have underlying MH issues that predate parenthood). Yes, men need support after babies are born but I actually think it’s a time when they need to try to get it from family and friends rather than their partners. Women post children can be just trying to survive. If you found it easy, great. Well done. But lots of women struggle with such a huge transition and they may not have the emotional capacity to support another person beyond their child. Men need to appreciate the complexity of post partum and realise that it’s a time when men and women are not struggling in the same way with the same problems.

Secondly, there is struggling and then there is telling your partner that you ‘don’t want to give into her every request’ because you have mummy issues. I think this is the problem many people have with the partner. He’s actively not making an effort when his partner is clearly struggling. He may be struggling too but he is certainly not being kind or in any way helpful if he cannot even help his partner eat three meals a day and shower regularly. Meanwhile, she’s still looking after THEIR kids, THEIR home. She’s trying her best to be a good team mate while he is actively resisting doing things for her (because of his issues with his parents’ relationship not because she’s done something wrong).

Did he really say that though or is the OP embellishing as that didn’t start in the original post.
you’ve also ignored the fact he has tried to discuss with her at different times but because she couldn’t deal with it then she walked away. I’m simply saying communication is the issue if they both behaved like adults and talked about how they are both feeling they’d be better able to get the support they need from wherever they need it.
if he listened to her he would be able to see the areas she’s struggling in and they could devise a plan to see how they could work together to improve things. If she listened to him she may be able to see what it is he is finding so difficult and find ways to help him.

Do people really put a dress on and walk down the aisle to say vows they don’t mean so they get half the house? I’m not sure I could do that

I doubt it would work anyway. Fairly sure short marriages courts aim to return things to how they were prior to the marriage, to stop exactly that happening.

I agree with @NoSoapJustUseShowerGel

However, I think
Op has made it as clear as day and he's stu being a shit.

I would try relationship counselling and if no improvement make a plan to leave (after the wedding if financial better for you) and in the meantime he needs to fund some help if he can't do it himself - 1-2 hours a day babysitter from an app to be mothers help /make you food/ hold baby while you shower /play with toddler with you there, etc.

He's disgusting - imagine finding it embarrassing to help you postpartum post surgery mother of your child.

He is gaslighting you a lot, my ex did this to me a lot while pregnant kept making out that me wanting any care, help or kindness was a completely unacceptable unreasonable unusual neuroticism of mine and he was so hard done by. He walked out juts befor baby was born and I was with my parents post Partum and your post is making me grateful
That this trauma happened as the alternative would be what you're going through now!

Just because she didn’t mentioned it straight up, it doesn’t mean we immediately have to look at it with suspicion. Personally, I’d rather give a postpartum mum looking for help the benefit of the doubt and provide advice/support as best I can.

I didn’t ignore the parts about him trying to talk about it, I just don’t think it’s that remarkable or unusual for a postpartum mum to not necessarily have the strength to battle through another defensive chat that she knows won’t actually solve the issue which is that he struggles to communicate. Plus, it sounds like OP was keen to work things out before bed and he ‘couldn’t deal with it’ at that time so he doesn’t get praise for doing what it sounds like she was keen to do hours before.

So yes, I can agree with you that communication is what needs to be worked on but her struggles should be really quite obvious to him and she can only ask so many times for him to open up. Hence why I said therapy for him would be good because he can work out why he struggles to talk about stuff. I’d also recommend therapy for her as she’s feeling so unsupported but then I genuinely believe almost anyone would benefit from therapy!

He doesn't "suit" being at home with the kids, so he gets to spend all day on his dream career? How lovely for him.

This period is always tough, when one of you is home on mat leave and the other person is working full time - it's almost impossible to relate to the other person. Even taking that into account, though - your partner is awful. He should be acknowledging your MASSIVE contribution to your family, and showing you love and kindness. And showing up for his family, regardless of whether it "suits him." What a loser.

I'm married to someone like this. (Though mine would never come to me to talk like yours did.)
It doesn't get any easier. It does get harder. From this post and your replies, this isn't an isolated incident.
You already know he's not interested in meeting your needs and isn't concerned with your well being. It only gets more lonely and overwhelming feeling like that.

(I'm 20yrs in and constantly feel like we would all be better off divorced. But 2 kids, a mortgage, me typical default parent but with chronic illnesses making me unable to work for 5+yrs now, means I'm financially dependent on him and feel trapped. The resentment builds too. - and if anyone reads this thinking my poor DH, he is fully aware of how I feel having tried to discuss it all with him probably 50 times over the past years, but he disagrees and refuses. Nothing changes. Which just goes to show even more how my wants and needs are non existent to him.)