To think this was a d!ck move

[Lotsa]

Me and DH aren't on good terms at the moment. Basically I am a 3 month pp mum of 2. One being a demanding toddler the other being an overly clingy baby. I am a sahm to both so he can see his new business up and coming. Lately I've just been feeling so swept under the rug. Like none of my needs are prioritised or matter. I get being a mum means putting your kids first but I had a c section and breast infection post surgery whilst ebf a baby who is (currently) cluster feeding. I would like at times, for my DH to consider me more and just ask how I'm doing. It's so bad that on days he is working I can't shower/eat until late into the day because baby just won't nap or be put down.

Anyways, yesterday, I asked for one simple thing. Something that would be a pick me up. Think a drink from Starbucks. I am exhausted from being up with newborn and bfing through this cluster feed phase. Dh dragged his feet, kids got to bed late and then surprise surprise it was too late to go. I got extremely fed up because to me it just feels like the icing on the cake to not ever being considered. I'm tired of never being able to get have breakfast or shower or brush my hair or put on makeup.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense? Last night I went to bed after the last straw for me and DH followed. DH is a massive non talker and hates communicating. Predictably, rather than just asking if I'm okay, he made a few remarks about how I was being unfair to him so I told him to give me space.

This morning he has woken up and wanted to "talk". Again all very predictable, on DH's terms and conditions. I said I'm past that point as I went to bed mad and he knows I hate this. I'd much rather communicate in the moment. He blamed me for saying I needed space as to why he didn't communicate (even though it felt like he came to me to defend himself rather than talk) So instead of just getting on with it, DH then left a screaming newborn just whilst I was making breakfast. Meaning I did not get to eat. AGAIN. Here was me thinking he is home so I can finally eat in peace and no. He literally dumps screaming dbaby down and walks off into the garden.

What really sticks to me is that I remember reading a post about what makes a strong marriage/relationship. And one of responses was that despite arguments and not being on good terms that each partner would still be on the same team and show each other love throughout. I just feel like my partner can do things out of vindictiveness and whenever we had a feud or argument that he makes it well known he isn't going to support or care for me in the moment.

Is it the pp's hormones? We are meant to be getting married soon and all this stuff, although small, is making me have doubts. I don't like this sort of dynamic for a relationship but it's just who DH is as a person. It all seems very depressing and stressful.

I just feel like it was a real d!ck move to leave newborn screaming alone in a room forcing me to attend to them when I was just about to have breakfast after bfing all night and feeling very shaky/weak. DH knows I've been struggling with the cluster feeds and it does not feel supportive one bit, regardless if we are in each others good books or not.

I know DH is working and bringing money in but I also feel he is fortunate that he gets to work on something for him (his own business) and that by watching the kids I'm supporting him whilst kind of sacrificing doing anything towards myself like he is, if that makes sense?

How do you imagine he feels? Starting a business is incredibly stressful. Can you imagine the weight of expectation on him as the sole earner? You doing him a favour? He’s the one bringing in the money and keeping the family afloat. You think he goes off to work and puts his feet up all day? “His own business” It’s not a hobby. Relationships and family are supposed to be about teamwork and sharing the load. So we’ve heard how you feel, how about him? Do you ask about him and his needs? To you treat him how you want to be treated? Have you asked him how he feeling and if he is happy. Believe it or not, it isn’t actually all about you. You’re in this together,
and you need to figure it out together. Your growing resentment of him is likely pushing him further away. He needs to communicate better and you need to lose the resentment. You both need a reset.

Sorry to say
But you in this situation,not married is the main dick move
Did your friends and family not advise you to keep your financial independence untill you were married

OP. 50% of marriages end in divorce. The figure is higher due cohabitating couples. If tomorrow he dumped you what would you do?

YANBU, when my two were small we took it in turns to get up with the baby. The fact you are breastfeeding and you are up all night and he gets to sleep is even more reason he should step up and give you a break when he can. I work but maternity leave was really hard. I used to envy my husband leaving the house for work. He also appreciated how hard it is at home and completely understood that he is equally responsible for looking after his children. If he gets to eat breakfast, you get to eat breakfast. If he can have a 10min shower, you can have a 10min shower. It has to be fair and you should want your partner to be able to wash and eat. These are basic necessities. It is really difficult when they are small but you've got to be a team. Don't get me wrong, we argued about out who was most tired, who was in the shower too long etc. It can get petty but we still knew that we both decided to have children and it was our equal responsibility to care for their needs (when both at home).

Oh FFS. I’m willing to place good money on the fact that her partner is still getting to eat and take showers. The fact that he would rather leave her unable to eat than set aside any difficulties they’re having in order to behave like a loving, caring partner speaks volumes.

He is doing something he loves, gets all the benefit of OP managing all the house and child stuff, while recovering from a C section, and he can’t even be bothered to lift a finger - or a baby - so she can have something to eat? He has time to himself to think, drink a cuppa.

There is no way my DH would have left me without food, drink and support, and he would absolutely have been bringing me little treats to show his appreciation. OP’s partner is breathtakingly selfish.

The baby is not going to spontaneously combust if you put them down for 2 minutes to clean your teeth and have a shower. Put them in a bouncy chair or something in the bathroom so you can still see and talk to them, stick the toddler in the shower with you, and crack on.

Oh FFS. I’m willing to place good money on the fact that her partner is still getting to eat and take showers.

Why cant she eat or take showers? Put the baby down. Crying won't harm a baby for 5 minutes.

He isn’t working to bring money in for you. If you leave now he still gets to be a father to your kids (which you produced for him) and yet you will have zero claim on his money or work product.

Put the baby down and let him/her cry. You need to eat. Go and eat now. When you have eaten sod the dishes, they can wait. Pick up baby, pick up book to read to toddler. Feed and read. When baby has had ten minutes either side put baby down in cot. Have a cup of tea/coffee whatever (gin and tonic probably unwise!), have playthings out for toddler. Shower, wash hair, dry it, brush it. Make-up if you fancy. Feed and read again. Put baby back in the cot.
Whilst baby is in cot - within sight if this helps you - work out what you need to do because you need a routine. Write it down: i.e. times for breakfast, lunch and dinner, shower time, bedtime for toddler. Stick to it.
Make sure you have meals (you can't b/f if you do not eat properly), that you shower, that you rest. Find out if there are mothers' groups in your area that you can go to. If so, go to it.
Tell DP to stop being a prick. If he doesn't, do not marry him, he is not good husband material.
Better off a single parent than stuck with a jerk who can't understand that what you are doing - raising the next generation - is more important than his job and so he should make accommodation for that and also treat the person he is supposed to love above all as a person.

It's interesting (and a bit worrying) that he views attentive care as "simping."

Adjusting to new babies is difficult for everyone and it sounds as though he is glad of his work to get him out of it all. He might also be resisting any extra support you need because he thinks that is the slippery slope to you relying on him for everything, not just finances.

Could you have a talk with him about how you each manage to preserve your own identity and boundaries faced with the challenges of raising another child? Instead of expressing resentment that he didn't help you more, describe how much difference it would make for him to just make that extra effort as you are struggling to keep your head above water?

All this said, I am sorry to say this but I would hesitate to commit for life to someone who does not see me struggling and step in to help me, without needing to be asked. My first marriage was to someone like that, and the loneliness intensifies over time.

Probably because the poor woman is sleep-deprived, trying to manage a cluster-feeding baby and a toddler, and absolutely running on empty. It’s hard to think straight or focus on other things when the baby is crying and the one person you should be able to rely on to back you up fucks off and leaves you to it.

The hungry cry was one that always got a visceral response from me: it’s really hard to ignore. I was lucky that DH eventually just got some formula and forced me to take a step back so I could look after myself. But OP doesn’t have that support from her partner and knows that if she doesn’t deal with it, nobody will. I have nothing but sympathy for her and what she doesn’t need right now is to get dunked on here when what she needs is support and some sympathy.

Her partner punished her for being upset by neglecting his own baby. That’s very definitely a dick move.

It doesn't matter whether it doesn't "suit him" to be at home with the kids. He's a parent. He's going to have to step up more and support you.
Have a conversation - when both of you are able - about needs and expectations.
When you decided to have children did he say that he would be a proactive parent?

OP, you say he wanted to talk this morning, but you refused. He may have many faults, but you can’t say "he won’t communicate" if what you mean is "he won’t communicate at the time I choose". Perhaps it’s just that you prefer to air grievances in the heat of the moment and he prefers to wait until you have both calmed down a bit.

What the fuck am I reading?

You do know that this man has two children and, as it's not the 1950s any longer, that he needs to put as much work into his family as OP does. It doesn't matter that he has his own business and may be stressed, they are his children too and he needs to give his wife (to be) a break no matter how he's feeling.

He's a spineless, moronic manbaby who needs a kick into the real world. Using phrasing like simping and saying he doesn't want to cave to your demands - what an utterly disgusting, Andrew tate loving, embarrassment to mankind.

I read this on here once and it stuck with me, many men seem to think that babies and small children are like a sort of hobby for mums. He thinks you are lucky to be at home indulging in your hobby, even though it leaves you exhausted and with no time for yourself. As a pp said, his working and bringing in money is not something he is doing for you and the dc, he is doing it for him, and the rest of you benefit from the rewards. Supporting his family is the absolute least he can do, the absolute minimum, morally and legally. Babies and toddlers are fucking hard work, you need to take care of yourself, and he needs to support you in that. Not eating or showering or whatever is not an option for your children, or your dh and it shouldn't be for you. If you need to eat/wash you hand the dc to him, if he won't engage with them, you need to eat/wash anyway. Most decent men understand that mums have needs too, if yours doesn't, he needs to learn. It won't harm your dc to be left crying for a few minutes, and like your dh, they will learn that they have two adults in their lives, not just you.

His behaviour is awful. For the first 6 months of DC2, my husband brought me breakfast in bed as I was famished from breastfeeding and being up all night. Now my baby is older, one of the first things he still does is make me a coffee as I'm still the one getting up at night. Your partner sounds like he has a very strange and aggressive attitude to someone he's supposed to cherish - fiancée and mother of his children!

But “we” won’t have lots of money. He will.

Unfortunately this is the best advice at the moment.

If you were financially secure we would be telling you to just leave him.

She absolutely should not marry this abusive twat. It might be better for her financially - MAYBE - but you can guarantee his treatment of her will get worse once she's 'locked down.'

I really admire the couples therapy that you have done

but if you’ve got that far and that’s still not working or not being out into practice of what their suggestions was to communicate more effectively. Then what more can you do?

I don't think it's fair to say this is the honeymoon period with two little kids underfoot. Surely the honeymoon period is when you've just got together, getting to know each other, unaware of each others annoying points and shagging like rabbits?

I mean how can you be sure it will be very successful?

You could have worded that so much nicer.

You sound like a devoted mum albeit an exhausted one. My second baby went through a phase of cluster feeding which went on for far longer than my first. The health visitor said to persevere as he was quite a big baby who coudnt seem to get enough. I won't go into all the reasons suffice to say I made the decision at 4 months to change to bottle feeding & we never looked back. Dh shared the feeds as did grandparents & baby started sleeping through the night. I know this wouldn't be for everyone but I have no regrets & would do the same again.

I didn’t spot this additional info earlier - sorry to double post OP! This is why it is your husband who needs to pop along to therapy! He cannot bring his own baggage into your relationship like this at your expense. He is being triggered by his parents’ relationship and it’s affecting your wellbeing. Caring for your post partum wife isn’t ‘simping’ or a sign of weakness. To be honest, you shouldn’t have to request to eat or shower everyday. He should make sure you’re doing that because he’s a decent human being.

Unless you are making outlandish requests 24/7 (which it doesn’t sound like you are), he needs to realise that a relationship involves give and take. Yes, he has this amazing and probably stressful career but that doesn’t mean you get to neglect your family. Post partum women are vulnerable and need to be looked after. The fact he’s worried about spoiling you is (in some ways) like worrying about spoiling a new born - god forbid you rely on your partner in a vulnerable moment and feel loved and comforted by him! Please tell him you are not his mum and he needs to do better. He needs to work on why his parents’ relationship is such an issue for him and why his automatic reaction to a request from his partner is resistance.

And to those saying just leave your baby to cry whilst you shower, aside from some people not being comfortable doing that when they’re so little, the main reason OP shouldn’t have to do this is because she has a partner. If he is home, there is zero reason why he shouldn’t be responsible for at least trying to soothe a sad baby whilst his wife has a shower/eats a meal. I don’t care what your job is, if you choose to have children, you step up and when you’re home you try your best.