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AIBU?

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Original poster

Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

137 replies

LA2025 · 14/07/2025 07:51

Not everyone is the same I get it, I was brought up to believe it was bad manners to turn up unannounced at somebody’s home and expect to be invited in.

My husband’s friend and wife have now done this twice in the last two weeks. The first time we were out and spoke to them over the ring camera, I did politely say ‘if you’d had called ahead I could have told you we were out, give us a call next time’ meanwhile they had riled our dogs up and saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera. Yesterday - Sunday morning they did it again! My husband said it was awkward as I didn’t let them in but I don’t see why I should keep ignoring my boundaries for rude people. It was on the guise they wanted to ask a question (already answered in several text messages that morning). My teenage daughter was in her pjs in the living room(she wouldn’t be comfortable like that in front of visitors ) I’d just got back from food shopping and was trying to put it away. Is it too hard to send a text and say ‘is it ok to pop round in half hour?’ Daughter could have got dressed, I could have finished putting my shopping away, could have the shut dogs away (these particular people tend to get the dogs over excited). It’s really frustrating me! I even give my mom a courtesy call to say ‘I’m popping round if that’s ok’ . I honestly can’t imagine turning up unannounced- people could be in the shower, in the middle of something, already have guests, not actually want to see me 😅😅- multitude of reasons ! This was our first Sunday morning in months we were all at home and able to ‘chill’ .

Some people have an open door policy and that’s great for them if they’re happy with it. I just wasn’t brought up like that and I suppose it’s carried through to adulthood with me. I don’t know what else I can say to these people without coming across as even ruder. (I could see they weren’t impressed at not being invited in- so it may come up next time I see them) . Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
FfaCoff · 14/07/2025 07:54

It sounds like you were pretty clear the first time that they need to let you know if they want to pop round. They sound a bit pushy to chance their arm again.

I don't think there's anything categorically wrong with popping in to see people but you need to respect their feelings on it - you have made it clear you prefer a heads up.

NazeLife · 14/07/2025 07:58

I was brought up the opposite so where you can't imagine dropping by I really can't imagine being in and not letting someone in unless I was ill, - weekends were for visitors, we would always be out visiting or people would drop by to ours, nobody ever called in advance (it was relatively new that everyone had a phone anyway -70s - we shared one with a neighbour) and if the person was out you just went on to someone else! I was the daughter in my PJs and I would just go and change. I wish people were more like that these days.
But you don't like it so you should probably just say that directly.

BeMintFatball · 14/07/2025 07:58

They are very pushy. Halving had a clear message this is our boundary send a message first they turn up on a Sunday morning.

What loon does that ?

RosesAndHellebores · 14/07/2025 07:59

It is customary to let people know you are dropping in.

In your shoes, I wouldn't have just turned them away. That was rude. I'd have said how lovely it was to see them, another time I'd love to have offered a coffee but you and John have plans this morning and only two minutes to spare but what can we do to help? Tinkly laugh.

My mother has people.dropping in the whole time but is very elderly and it may be generational. DH and I never have and it tends not to happen to us but people know we are busy.

KaydenJayden · 14/07/2025 08:00

I’m totally with you OP but this definitely WASNT the case in the 80s when I was growing up

Belladog1 · 14/07/2025 08:04

Like the OP, I wouldn't even drop into my parents. I always give them their heads up.

I've always hated unannounced visitors. Before someone comes over I like to flick the hoover around, throw some clutter in a draw, get the dogs away. 20 mins is all I need, but give me that time

Original poster
LA2025 · 14/07/2025 08:08

RosesAndHellebores · 14/07/2025 07:59

It is customary to let people know you are dropping in.

In your shoes, I wouldn't have just turned them away. That was rude. I'd have said how lovely it was to see them, another time I'd love to have offered a coffee but you and John have plans this morning and only two minutes to spare but what can we do to help? Tinkly laugh.

My mother has people.dropping in the whole time but is very elderly and it may be generational. DH and I never have and it tends not to happen to us but people know we are busy.

Thank you, I wouldn’t have been so rude just to shut the door on them or anything, I just spoke them in the ‘front garden/at the door’. I just wasn’t about to invite them in as it gives them the go ahead to do it again next time. My daughters 14, very body conscious and the way our house is laid out - she would have had to walk past them. I did try and be as polite as I could but without budging my boundaries x

OP posts:
Original poster
LA2025 · 14/07/2025 08:15

NazeLife · 14/07/2025 07:58

I was brought up the opposite so where you can't imagine dropping by I really can't imagine being in and not letting someone in unless I was ill, - weekends were for visitors, we would always be out visiting or people would drop by to ours, nobody ever called in advance (it was relatively new that everyone had a phone anyway -70s - we shared one with a neighbour) and if the person was out you just went on to someone else! I was the daughter in my PJs and I would just go and change. I wish people were more like that these days.
But you don't like it so you should probably just say that directly.

My husband grew up in a house like that - in some ways I wish I was like that! 😅 it’s just ingrained in me to always message. If it was family or very close friends it probably wouldn’t bother me soooo much. We have one relative who does this to me all the time- I’ll have a stage where he just turns up at 8am! As he’s my FIL and in late 70s- I always let him in - almost 20 years of setting boundaries never worked so no point 😅😅

OP posts:
Ruggerlass · 14/07/2025 08:22

I think it’s common courtesy to give someone a message or a quick phone call to check if it’s convenient. I do this to my son and vice versa.

RawBloomers · 14/07/2025 08:25

I think cultures where people just drop in tend to be more sociable and that's probably a more healthy approach than the current trend towards barely knowing the people you live next door to and not meeting up with people face to face so much. But I would feel self conscious and want to tidy up/get dressed/hide the ice cream I'm scoffing at 10am.

In general I don't think it's rude to just pop round (even if I don't like it) but equally I don't think it's rude to make excuses at the door and not invite them in. Your visitors sound particularly pushy, though.

Thepossibility · 14/07/2025 08:30

They sounds like overly keen weirdos

FamilyPhoto · 14/07/2025 08:30

Family or a very close friend fine to pop in. Anyone else, no its rude.
Feeling grumpy about this today as DH's kind of friend from a hobby group tried to pop in yesterday and woke me up an hour after Id finished my night shift. DH was out with the dog and this person rang the doorbell for 2 mins straight until I got up.

fluffiphlox · 14/07/2025 08:32

How things have changed since I was a kid. ‘Please call in by appointment only’.

Tennislives · 14/07/2025 08:35

Well handled OP.
Absolutely no way that I would like that.
IMO it's very rude.
Next time don't go outside at all and prime your husband.
This is why people love "fxxk off gates"😁

gottalottodo · 14/07/2025 08:36

Depends how close friends they are. If my best friends turned up and the house was a mess I know they would give two shits. But anyone else I absolutely hate it when people do that! I think leaving them on the doorstep will probably send that message loud and clear!!

ScaryM0nster · 14/07/2025 08:42

Perfectly normal to drop by, also perfectly normal not to be invited in when do that if it’s not convenient. Or to be invited in and stand in kitchen to chat while person also gets on with what they’re doing.

(If it’s an issue to you, explain it clearly. Mentioning that if phone first next time can tell you if we’ll be there isn’t making it clear. It’s just a suggestion to avoid inconvenience. If they don’t feel inconvenienced by you being out then that message means nothing).

whistlesandbells · 14/07/2025 08:52

Times have moved on. In the past drop ins were more accepted. There is now technology in place to message ahead and easily indicate you are going to visit or ask if a visit is welcome. People are more insular in general these days (whether this is a good or bad thing I don’t know) but it’s really out of date to just turn up. Women are now mostly in the work force - home hours undisturbed to relax and also get everything done before going back to work are precious. YANBU - and you told them the first time to check before turning up. Also doesn’t sound like the visit was necessary.

Original poster
LA2025 · 14/07/2025 08:53

FamilyPhoto · 14/07/2025 08:30

Family or a very close friend fine to pop in. Anyone else, no its rude.
Feeling grumpy about this today as DH's kind of friend from a hobby group tried to pop in yesterday and woke me up an hour after Id finished my night shift. DH was out with the dog and this person rang the doorbell for 2 mins straight until I got up.

I feel your pain - I would be feeling quite grumpy too! 😅

OP posts:
Cynic17 · 14/07/2025 08:55

Being "family or a very close friend" makes no difference. It's rude for anyone to call around without prior arrangement, and I don't know anyone who would do that. It's also just not very practical!

DontReplyIWillLie · 14/07/2025 09:11

YANBU. There’s only one reason people do this, and it’s not because they think it’s “friendlier” or “more sociable” than asking in advance if you’re free. It’s because they think people will be too polite to tell them it’s not convenient and to bugger off perhaps call at an agreed time instead. They want to come in and will shame you into it if necessary!

saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera.

Colour me amazed…

Original poster
LA2025 · 14/07/2025 09:13

Cynic17 · 14/07/2025 08:55

Being "family or a very close friend" makes no difference. It's rude for anyone to call around without prior arrangement, and I don't know anyone who would do that. It's also just not very practical!

family and close friends know me that I like a courtesy text (apart from FIL 😅) and if I’m honest anyone (like these visitors) who don’t know me well SHOULD DEFINITELY text or call. I don’t need to ‘make an appointment’ but some visitors are happy for you to carry on putting your shopping away, be in ‘housework/slob clothes’ 😅- these are not, they would want entertaining and I don’t know them all that well and am always polite etc but not my cup of tea.

OP posts:
blackpooolrock · 14/07/2025 09:21

its absolutely fine to turn up unannounced - it isn't rude to turn up without contacting whoever it is.

I don't get the angst about wanting people to tell you they're coming.

thepariscrimefiles · 14/07/2025 09:27

FamilyPhoto · 14/07/2025 08:30

Family or a very close friend fine to pop in. Anyone else, no its rude.
Feeling grumpy about this today as DH's kind of friend from a hobby group tried to pop in yesterday and woke me up an hour after Id finished my night shift. DH was out with the dog and this person rang the doorbell for 2 mins straight until I got up.

That is unforgiveable behaviour. What did you say to him when you opened the door? I hope it was 'fuck off'.

PinkyFlamingo · 14/07/2025 09:29

blackpooolrock · 14/07/2025 09:21

its absolutely fine to turn up unannounced - it isn't rude to turn up without contacting whoever it is.

I don't get the angst about wanting people to tell you they're coming.

So you really don't get why someone would like to know if someone is coming? You don't understand they could be doing something in the house, sleeping, having sex etc?

Esperanza25 · 14/07/2025 09:37

My priority in this particular situation would be my daughter’s feelings, so I’m with you OP.
More generally, times have simply changed (at least in my circles) and I don’t think just dropping in is the done thing these days. A quick message to check if someone is free takes all of two seconds.

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