Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

[LA2025]

Not everyone is the same I get it, I was brought up to believe it was bad manners to turn up unannounced at somebody’s home and expect to be invited in.

My husband’s friend and wife have now done this twice in the last two weeks. The first time we were out and spoke to them over the ring camera, I did politely say ‘if you’d had called ahead I could have told you we were out, give us a call next time’ meanwhile they had riled our dogs up and saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera. Yesterday - Sunday morning they did it again! My husband said it was awkward as I didn’t let them in but I don’t see why I should keep ignoring my boundaries for rude people. It was on the guise they wanted to ask a question (already answered in several text messages that morning). My teenage daughter was in her pjs in the living room(she wouldn’t be comfortable like that in front of visitors ) I’d just got back from food shopping and was trying to put it away. Is it too hard to send a text and say ‘is it ok to pop round in half hour?’ Daughter could have got dressed, I could have finished putting my shopping away, could have the shut dogs away (these particular people tend to get the dogs over excited). It’s really frustrating me! I even give my mom a courtesy call to say ‘I’m popping round if that’s ok’ . I honestly can’t imagine turning up unannounced- people could be in the shower, in the middle of something, already have guests, not actually want to see me 😅😅- multitude of reasons ! This was our first Sunday morning in months we were all at home and able to ‘chill’ .

Some people have an open door policy and that’s great for them if they’re happy with it. I just wasn’t brought up like that and I suppose it’s carried through to adulthood with me. I don’t know what else I can say to these people without coming across as even ruder. (I could see they weren’t impressed at not being invited in- so it may come up next time I see them) . Does anyone else feel like this?

Sharptonguedwoman

I can assure you I’m the furthest thing from hard work 😅 I really don’t see why after a rare and planned family morning, myself or my daughter she made uncomfortable because somebody decided to ignore a previous polite request. Had they have text I could have said ‘give me an hour and I’ll have the kettle on’ - daughter could have had the morning she’s been waiting for for weeks- relaxed time with her close family, I could have put my shopping away. Hard work is constantly asking people the same advice first thing in a Sunday morning, ignoring people’s boundaries and turning up in person to ask the same advice - that could have been found on Google. I’m actually a really good friend and family member tbh 😂, always helpful, good fun, just expect a little courtesy now and again

This! 🙌🏻

In the past lovely; nowadays rude.

I think this is a woman thing - people turning up expecting 'hostessing' - it's been said several times in this thread. It's based on the past where women were expected to serve others - usually men, whether it was convenient to them or not.

Expectations that a woman must always put themselves out for someone else - that they stop what they were doing and perform 'hospitality' - making refreshments, conversation etc. Get your pinny on girls and get that kettle on!

Sod that. I'm not a bloody hostess. I don't exist to welcome people to my perfect home. I work a stressful job. When I'm not working or cleaning, or managing family stuff I want people to leave me alone to do whatever I want to do, which will only involve seeing people who I want to see when I want to see them.

I do not think people would have these expectations of men.

I was bought up being told It was rude not to pop in if you in the area

Ha! Yes, my mum and my grandma would have been horrified if a friend had been in the area and NOT popped in! They'd wonder what they were doing wrong.

I was a very shy kid, but I loved all the people popping in and out of our house, save us popping in to other people's.

I think it's a combination of different regional cultures (see my post about getting it very wrong when I moved down to the Southeast!) and changing times.
We have the means to contact each other easily these days, so it's expected that we do. And as eating out and meeting at cafes has become more affordable, people seen to prefer planned meetups there.

I miss having friends in my house.

I know a hell of a lot of Mumsnetters frown upon people who aren't up for totally unannounced visits from anyone,but I'm definitely with you on this. I absolutely hate with a passion people just rocking up and expecting to be made welcome. I even finished with a guy a couple of years ago after a few dates because he turned up uninvited and unannounced twice at my place. I happened to be out both times (thankfully!) but it annoyed me so much because I had specifically told him to phone or text first before turning up. So it was goodbye from me. My ex-husband's family also had form for doing this. What made it worse was that a) I know that his mother and sister didn't really like me,so I suspect that turning up unannounced was an attempt to catch me on the back foot. And b) his sister had a habit of turning up at all sorts of unsociable hours. Like 2 in the morning when they were on their back from visiting someone else. She had the nerve to say the next time I spoke to her 'I knew you were at home because your bathroom light was on'. I said 'Yes,we were in bed asleep!'. Thankfully now I'm divorced,I don't have to deal with that kind of shit anymore!

I grew up in the late 80s and 90s, it was very normal then, it is really NOT normal or welcomed now.
My dad wanders into my house whenever he feels like it and I'm sure he thinks I'm just sitting there waiting for guests to come.
I'm really not, I have a job, a child, a messy house I'm trying to sort out, I'm running out to swimming lessons, tennis, to pick up something for tea, making tea, school runs argh!
So if you asked my dad he would say yeah it's perfectly fine to visit unannounced but anyone who actually has a busy life it's really not OK!

I'm with you OP. I am not a fan of the unannounced 'pop in'.
I also have 2 Autistic DC who find unplanned visitors turning up really tricky. People might think it's not a big deal, but for us it can de-rail an entire day. It doesn't take much effort to send a quick text. We have tried to explain this to PIL who have found a passive aggressive way of getting around our polite request to stop turning up unannounced. Now they call one of us from the car to inform us they are on their way and will be here in 20 minutes, which isn't much better and they know it.

I think this is exactly right. Some women still enjoy this or are culturally expected to be like this and do it because they can’t say no; many have turned their backs on it. Women’s roles in the home and workplace have changed so, so many things. Most of it doesn’t get talked about, hence “tensions” when there’s a mismatch of expectations / boundaries being asserted or crossed.

I just like to feel that the house is at least a little bit tidy (not guaranteed otherwise) and that I have time to socialise with them because I'm not already doing something else and don't want to be interrupted.
To be honest, it's not the end of the world if someone turns up suddenly, but I would find it quite weird now that we all message each other so frequently - why wouldn't someone say? The only people that turn up unannounced at my door are my neighbours, but they always just want to tell me something and don't want to come inside.

I hate when people do this even when family. I struggle with anxiety/ocd and it really catches me off guard and makes me anxious for days. I was in the bath a few weeks ago and a fanily member I havent seen in some time txt saying they were outside. I had just got in the bath

Even once my ILs had finally got the idea that we weren't always at home if they just turned up they used to call and say they'd like to come round at the weekend so we'd ask when and it would be "sometimes". So we'd point out we needed to go to the supermarket, the launderette, the DIY store or whatever or we'd be out at a particular time and it would throw them. We'd end up saying Saturday after 3 or Sunday morning but we're going somewhere at 12. (DH was a scout leader and a football referee at the time so had commitments for those).

I am with you on this.
There is nothing I detest more than people just turning up.

Absolutely nobody did it until we had our first baby. Suddenly every man and their dog thought they could just turn up whenever they liked. MIL was the worst. Turned up every single day without fail. Partner asked her nicely to message first in case I was sleeping etc. She kept doing it, so I just stopped answering the door. I once caught her peeking through the living room window because I hadn’t answered the door 🙈. No one does it anymore thank god.

I miss having friends in my house.

Invite them! You don’t have to wait for them to just turn up.

My BIL and SIL do this. In fact once the front door wasn’t locked and they just sauntered into our kitchen. I had to get dh to speak to them.

My in laws have done it a few times, and I bloody hate it.
It’s always when I’m busy, so, I have to stop what I’m doing and entertain them.

And like a PP, i like to run the hoover round before people come over.

I agree with you OP and also agree with PPs who say things were different when we were kids however what matters is that you've told them you would like them to call first in future and they've ignored you so that is rude. Just keep saying no.

100%.

I personally don't like it if people show up unannounced. It partly also depends on how long they are expecting to stay - if its a quick 10 minutes to drop something off for example, that's a bit different but if they're expecting a cup of tea or a long chat it is strange.

Some people are very laid back though and they wouldn't care, but I would try and gauge how the other person would react first. It also depends on the closeness of the relationship.

Unless there’s some kind of emergency there is absolutely no need for anyone to turn up unannounced ever because it is the worst 🤷‍♀️😂

I do get it because our house is not close at all to visitor ready most of the time, but at the same time we don’t have many visitors and I miss it (we live far away from my friends and I suppose everyone doesn’t want to just drop by without notifying so none of dh’s friends come either - pre Covid they’d have said we’re on a drive etc). I miss the old days

Yep, you're right, they're wrong. Very clear cut in this case.

it's not true, anyway. Nobody did this when I was young, decades ago, living in a working class environment.

I remember the one and only time a relative turned up unexpectedly, he was welcomed as he had cycled quite a distance and we hadn't seen him in a couple of years, but it caused a bit of a kerfuffle and my mum was quite stressed rushing around trying to get biscuits and tidy up, it stands out because it was literally the only time any relative had ever just shown up unannounced, and I was a teenager at the time. To be clear, he'd have been welcomed anyway as we were polite and he was family - but at least in his case it was sort of a welcome drop in, though it caused some rushing around.

There was always a pre determined time and date decided upon on a previous occasion, or they phoned first. I had one friend whose dad got her phone disconnected, so sometimes I would show up and knock at her door, but that was the only reason - she had no phone.

Family and ONLY family turned up very rarely uninvited, it was not standard at all.

Maybe before phones were invtented this was standard, but nobody here is old enough to remember that.

And in the OPs case her daughter was hanging out in her pyjamas, she was busy unpacking food and it was a Sunday morning, she didn't mention the house not being clean, she just didn't want to be hassled in her own home by uninvited people who'd already been told to call first. I'm so glad she didn't let them in, we need more of this, women who know how to enforce their boundaries.

You've just denied my whole childhood!

Because it didn't happen to you in your childhood where you lived, doesn't make it untrue! It was absolutely standard in mine and in many other posters lives back then. Calling us liars is beyond the pale.