Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

[LA2025]

Not everyone is the same I get it, I was brought up to believe it was bad manners to turn up unannounced at somebody’s home and expect to be invited in.

My husband’s friend and wife have now done this twice in the last two weeks. The first time we were out and spoke to them over the ring camera, I did politely say ‘if you’d had called ahead I could have told you we were out, give us a call next time’ meanwhile they had riled our dogs up and saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera. Yesterday - Sunday morning they did it again! My husband said it was awkward as I didn’t let them in but I don’t see why I should keep ignoring my boundaries for rude people. It was on the guise they wanted to ask a question (already answered in several text messages that morning). My teenage daughter was in her pjs in the living room(she wouldn’t be comfortable like that in front of visitors ) I’d just got back from food shopping and was trying to put it away. Is it too hard to send a text and say ‘is it ok to pop round in half hour?’ Daughter could have got dressed, I could have finished putting my shopping away, could have the shut dogs away (these particular people tend to get the dogs over excited). It’s really frustrating me! I even give my mom a courtesy call to say ‘I’m popping round if that’s ok’ . I honestly can’t imagine turning up unannounced- people could be in the shower, in the middle of something, already have guests, not actually want to see me 😅😅- multitude of reasons ! This was our first Sunday morning in months we were all at home and able to ‘chill’ .

Some people have an open door policy and that’s great for them if they’re happy with it. I just wasn’t brought up like that and I suppose it’s carried through to adulthood with me. I don’t know what else I can say to these people without coming across as even ruder. (I could see they weren’t impressed at not being invited in- so it may come up next time I see them) . Does anyone else feel like this?

The worst is people who insist it’s fiiiiine if your house is a bit of mess and it’s fiiiine if you’re not dressed etc. It’s not fine if I say it’s not fine!!

What was the question they needed to ask and that you’d already texted about? Was it:

Them: Can we pop around later?
You: No, we’re busy.

I agree wholeheartedly with you OP. I think it’s rude. Especially in this day and age where you just fire off a message saying ‘be round in half hour’.

I loathe people popping round. I would repeatedly say ‘Next time ping me a text to let me know you’re coming, I only need half hour notice.’ Keep saying it.

It's wildly rude to just drop by.

Call first to set up a time to visit.

Why? Any reason. Many people work. Many people work from home. They might be getting ready for something. They might want to have a quiet day without rude people just dropping on by to waste their time. They might have a telehealth appointment or online class scheduled. They might be in the middle of something like cooking that can't be interrupted. They might be sick. They might be taking a mental health day. They might be having sex. They might be exercising.

I wish it was ‘are you busy’ 😂 it was absolutely nothing of great importance- I’d said on the text ‘the brand, the cost, availability, where to buy’ couldn’t have been more clearer - I even sent a picture of said item 😂😂 - twice it was all clarified 😂

I’m getting from some of the replies that not everyone shares my view. I just really value my privacy, my family time (which can be so rare in a working house with teenagers at times) and my boundaries. Nobody ever has to ‘make an appointment’, schedule a grand visit just a text to let me know to finish up what I’m doing.

Yes this is my mil apart from it’s not fine. She wants us to act like it’s fine but will then pass comment on everything then wonders why I don’t want her in my house.

Oh that’s a lot of boxes, oh just washed up have you drainers looking full, you just have so much stuff, the children have a lot of toys don’t they, oh another pet, that needs dusting, what a big ironing pile.

She never comes on the days the house is showtime standard nope only the hectic days.

I'm with you OP. Fresh of the back of in-laws turning up 1.5hrs early for a BBQ yesterday while i was still out getting stuff, and then having to get myself, the house and the food ready with MIL shadowing me, wanting to help, getting in the way and needing coaxing through everything. I did say 'if you'd let us know you'd be early we might have been ready' resulting in blank stares of disbelief.

I think it comes down to how precious time is. If your free time is abundant and you desire more social interaction, a pop-in is lovely. If it isn't-and mine is measured out in teaspoons- a pop-in robs you.

It doesn’t bother me when people come round without notice but I am aware that other people do care (my mum, for example) so I give notice to others

They're rude, you're right, they're wrong.

First time was not great, but mabye just a bit clueless. But the second time they'd been told and chose to ignore it.

And anyone "popping round" on a Sunday morning better have a history with you and know for a fact you are good with that.

The usual pretenders on here will act as though not having your front door open to uninvited guests is weird. It's not. There were always a few people who would do this, but even in the 80s it was NOT standard behaviour outside of soap operas. I do not remember a single time I just turned up at anyone's doorstep without prior discussion or a phone call, except for my gran on a couple of occasions.

And these days it is very definitely normal to contact people BEFORE you turn up, you could be having sex, lying around in your underwear or whatever the hell else you feel like doing in your own home.

They were trying to get into your home by forcing the issue rather than offering you the choice. It's great you rebuffed the cheeky fuckers.

I was a child in the '60s and '70s and in those days people did just drop in.

I recall my late husband commenting that when he lived in Aberdeenshire, dropping in was the norm, but he found that things were very different in the central belt.

I always make arrangements to visit people (which isn’t very often, apart from my son). I wouldn’t dream of just turning up at someone’s house. I made it quite clear to someone I’ve known since school that I don’t like random visits. She’s the opposite; she likes it. That’s fine. We are different. She’s still done it to me a few times. Knowing I don’t like it. It’s bloody-mindedness and the disrespect of my boundaries. “Oh she won’t mind because it’s me”. I do mind. Piss off.

What a palaver. Friends dropping by is lovely.

But you know OP doesn’t feel like this - otherwise she wouldn’t have started the thread! So what’s the point of your comment?

I don’t understand why people who think it’s fine to “pop in” are so keen for others to have this policy too. Why can’t you just welcome uninvited guests in your home, whilst still accepting that others don’t want that? What does it actually cost you to send someone a text asking “Okay if I pop by on my way back from Tesco later?” What do you gain by not doing it?

I was bought up being told It was rude not to pop in if you in the area. Yabu. However you told them the first time you didn't like it so they were being rude to fo it the second time.

But literally no one has suggested they need a fortnight’s written notice, have they? People have said, perfectly reasonably, that they prefer a text or call beforehand. This written notice business is all your own (rather childish) hyperbole.

Oh yes - the dreaded “But I’ve come to see yoooooo, not your house!” brigade. They think it makes them sound lovely and relaxed, but actually it’s just completely ignoring the preference of the person/people they’re supposed to be so delighted to see. Maybe they DO care if the house is tidy or not.

I clearly remember my mum rushing around to shut the curtains on weekends if we heard anyone at our main gate! We even unplugged the house phone too at times. She worked FT and wanted to just relax on weekends with us. It was always all our older relatives who did this though, expecting us to be thrilled at them gracing us with a visit.

Even now friends/family always check with us and we do the same. Isn’t everyone just busy? It’s so utterly rude. I will not open for anyone if they didn’t pre arrange.

Also back then there was a whole generation of sahp who’s lived for visitors as they had not much else going on. Houses were well kept to have people come by, something always cooking to offer people, etc.
Now I think many more women are working, able to get out and about doing actual stuff, instead of unexpectedly hosting someone.

YANBU op! It smacks of them believing that their time and convenience is more important than yours.

That is exactly how it felt. Somebody on here I think called me ‘entitled’ but I think I’m allowed to be in the privacy of my own home 😅

There is no right or wrong overall - each to their own.

You made it clear the first time that you prefer requests, they rudely ignored your boundaries.

Others on here who say you are wrong or strange, FO. Respect others preferences when you are going to THEIR home!

No, that poster said your unexpected guests are entitled, not you.

And it’s so easy to notify or check with people now too. It was more difficult when I was a child - no mobile , WhatsApp or email.

There’s no excuse for just turning up.

Maybe you're one of those people whose home is always "visitor ready" @blackpooolrock , who never spends all day on the sofa in their pjs watching crap on tv, who is never so deep into an enthralling book that they don't want to stop reading for anything, who's never desperate to get the grass cut before it rains or get plants in the soil before they die, and never in the middle of dyeing their hair or bleaching their moustache.

Some of us aren't that perfect, and therefore like notice before guests arrive so that we have time not to look like total slobs and the opportunity to make a tactful excuse in case we really can't be arsed with it.

Thank you for clearing that up- I wasn’t sure 😅

I hate it when people call unannounced early in the morning because if I opened the door before my shower, my hair would scare the birds away.