Unexpected visitors - rude or not?

[LA2025]

Not everyone is the same I get it, I was brought up to believe it was bad manners to turn up unannounced at somebody’s home and expect to be invited in.

My husband’s friend and wife have now done this twice in the last two weeks. The first time we were out and spoke to them over the ring camera, I did politely say ‘if you’d had called ahead I could have told you we were out, give us a call next time’ meanwhile they had riled our dogs up and saw them having a good ole nosey on the ring camera. Yesterday - Sunday morning they did it again! My husband said it was awkward as I didn’t let them in but I don’t see why I should keep ignoring my boundaries for rude people. It was on the guise they wanted to ask a question (already answered in several text messages that morning). My teenage daughter was in her pjs in the living room(she wouldn’t be comfortable like that in front of visitors ) I’d just got back from food shopping and was trying to put it away. Is it too hard to send a text and say ‘is it ok to pop round in half hour?’ Daughter could have got dressed, I could have finished putting my shopping away, could have the shut dogs away (these particular people tend to get the dogs over excited). It’s really frustrating me! I even give my mom a courtesy call to say ‘I’m popping round if that’s ok’ . I honestly can’t imagine turning up unannounced- people could be in the shower, in the middle of something, already have guests, not actually want to see me 😅😅- multitude of reasons ! This was our first Sunday morning in months we were all at home and able to ‘chill’ .

Some people have an open door policy and that’s great for them if they’re happy with it. I just wasn’t brought up like that and I suppose it’s carried through to adulthood with me. I don’t know what else I can say to these people without coming across as even ruder. (I could see they weren’t impressed at not being invited in- so it may come up next time I see them) . Does anyone else feel like this?

I grew up in a northern culture of people dropping in on each other. Neighbours, friends... everyone did it, and our house would be buzzing with people at times

When I left uni and got my first job, I moved to the Southeast, made friends among my colleagues etc, and continued to do just drop in unannounced (and stay too long 😳). It took an uncomfortable amount of time for me to realise that it wasn't the done thing here! I'm still mortified 45 years on!

It's sheer bad manners. I wouldn't even answer next time OP! Or just say you don't like people coming round unannounced.

I find this attitude so strange and honestly till I'd been on mumsnet I'd never heard before of people not opening the door or answering the door or turning visitors away and wonder how many people I've offended but just dropping in.

To be honest I rarely just drop in on people and would normally call or text first. Unless it's in laws.

But if someone just turned up at mine, I'd welcome them in, they'd get a cup of tea and I'd say 'excuse the mess' - if there was a mess. It's basic hospitality.

OP, you were perfectly reasonable. I can’t bear people who turn up unannounced. Stick to your boundaries - or be trampled on!

What a palaver. Friends dropping by is lovely. Give the DD 2 minutes to go and change and shut the dogs up. Put the coffee on. You sound immensely hard work to me.

I come from a culture where unexpected guests are always welcomed. Gradually that has watered down to calling beforehand, which is much better for me as it gives us time to get the house in order.

I think expectations have also increased. Years ago unexpected guests would be given a cup of tea and biscuits but this has snowballed into impromptu meals and Deliveroo takeaways.

I remember my mum frickin losing it on a couple of Sunday mornings because an elderly neighbour would just appear about 8am for a cup of tea and a chat. (She'd lose it when she saw him approaching, not to his face) We were all always still in PJs with cereal bowls lying around! This was mid 1990s and seemed very weird then, let alone now, though he must've just been very lonely.

Someone rang on our door 3 hours early for my son's birthday party once (when i was trying to get him to nap..) and expected to be invited in and just wait and drink tea till the party started. I nearly lost my shit.

I would not answer the door even if I knew they knew I was in.

I know it's not the social norm to just visit.
But I do get secretly delighted when we have a surprise visitor. It's usually a neighbour or friend.

I only go unannounced to neighbours and to a few friends who also have an open door policy.

Yes, times have changed.
In my childhood, random friends and neighbours used to knock once, open the door and shout "Hellooo!...Joannaaaa?!" through the front door then just step inside, wait for my mum to appear and make them a cuppa then spend 30 minutes chatting. It wasn't rude then, it was how the community worked and kept everyone in touch with each other's gossip news.

Different approach and expectations these days. There are community WhatsApps and Facebook pages to keep people up to date and people have less time.
I wonder if community spirit is still as strong as it used to be?

Sorry posted wrong place

Maybe it does depend on where you live & how you grew up because in my family/friend/neighbour circle, popping in is still very much the norm and I’d probably wonder if a friend was bringing the King with them if they called or text in advance to arrange a visit 😂 but that said, none of us are bothered if the house isn’t perfectly tidy, everybody not perfectly dressed etc so it really doesn’t matter to any of us. Lots of my friends/family & actually neighbours come in and pop the kettle on themselves and wouldn’t be bothered in the slightest about helping put shopping away so I do think that’s probably the difference.

Agree it’s very very outdated to just turn up. There is just no need for it now that we all have phones and you can find out within a few minutes if it’s convenient for someone. People are so much busier now it’s just completely unfair to expect someone to give you their time just because they happen to be at home as well.

Yeah you don’t just turn up at peoples houses. I grew up in a house with my mum who does shift work and I was a carer for my Nan. A courtesy text meant we could say yes or no, because mum was in bed or Nan wasn’t having a good day or we was at the hospital all day. It’s not fair to impose yourself on people (fine if they’ve told you that’s ok to do, but common courtesy is to check first!)

Unless they have already spotted me I just won’t answer the door. Everyone has a mobile these days it’s not hard to pop a text to say

hey I’m just popping in sainburys you free for a cuppa after since I’m near by.

I think a lot of people who don’t bother to text must know deep down they would be rejected so it’s easier to just arrive as people are too polite to not even just chat in the doorstep.

It used to be the norm and I still like it when people drop by. In this weather if the house is a state I say “come around back to the garden and I’ll make us a cuppa” so we sit outside instead.

My neighbour drops in twice a week. It’s nice to see her.

I’m a grown woman, I’m perfectly able to say “sorry, now is not a good time” if it isn’t.

Bloody hell!
The weirdos are the ones who need a written request to call, issued two weeks in advance. Even by their own parents.
What sort of tightarses live like this?

I hate people dropping in unexpectedly but if any of my (very small) family did it, I would be delighted. I would be delighted because I love them, because they would have had to make a huge effort to get here and because they would be doing it to give me a lovely surprise.

Nah everyone can ram it. I live in chaos it would only upset them to see.

Says a lot about me that sex is the first thing I think of on these threads - especially when people talk about visitors turning up unannounced on a weekend morning...

Well, it's your husband’s friend, so he should be dealing with it.

But anyway, no, YANBU. I actually don't mind being dropped in on, but no one does it; even my upstairs neighbour/friend will text and say, 'Can I pop down in 5 minutes?'
The first time, you told them to call next time and they didn't. That's rude of them, so I wouldn't worry about coming across as rude yourself or them being unimpressed.
If it comes up the next time you see them, say pleasantly, 'I mentioned this, but we need a bit of warning so we can all get ourselves together.' with a smile.

I think the issue here is that OP had already told these particular people to message ahead and they didn’t so I guess that’s on them. You can’t just expect people to fall into line with your personal ways as that’s rather selfish and entitled behaviour!

My ex husband does it (obviously when the kids are here) and it drives me insane. He will not be told.

On Saturday he did it when we were getting ready for a party for my dd - which he was invited to so he knew about it. Who turns up at someone’s house (with a toddler) when they know they’re getting ready for a party? Or at all!

Then the next day he came to get something he’d leant us when we were out - if he’d sent a message in advance he’d have known we were out!!

My best mate can come and go unannounced because we have a pre-arranged mutual "let yourself in" policy.
Anybody else can forget it.

No it's not something i consider. Where i live your friends and family just give a quick knock as they come in, no one waits on the door being answered.

I don't know anyone in real life who says call before you visit.