To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

Did he date her mother?

So true. I think it must be related to something pervy he’s doing because this is a weird reaction. Most people would say “no I don’t think so” or assume you meant at work/local pub/shop etc.

I’m sorry OP

Your spidy senses are going off for a reason.

Don’t ignore them.

I don’t know what it is but I’d be checking his phone.

Yup. Oh dear. I couldn’t live with this.

But then how’s a PI going to help?

I think all the wild ideas are probably less likely than a dad realising his son is growing up and freaking out as he has no control and trying to find some control (in a totally bonkers way!). I’d get him to go to counselling.

Bizarre!
Lets say worse case scenario she is cheating, your DS must love and learn the hard way like the rest of us. It’s called life experience and regardless of how he found out if she was cheating, it’s going to hurt him either way.

Has he expressed racist views throughout your marriage? Why would he be okay the first couple of times meeting her and then suddenly change?

It’s almost like something has happened?
maybe it is OnlyFans although you would need to be 18 and surely verify age?

This will sound mad (but not madder that hiring the PI in the first place) but maybe he will get them to collect something with her DNA to compare to his. Then he’ll also want the PI to find something incriminating to break them up if he is her dad. Again, I know that sounds mad!

Adding to the other theories:

1. Is this your DS's first proper girlfriend (as in sexual partner) & your DH is a bit prim & proper?

2. Did something bad happen to your DH earlier in life & the GF has somehow triggered him (something to do with her name, looks, general background) e.g. was your DH attacked, a drug dealer or involved in any crime & the girl's family were involved? Or has your DH committed a crime against her family?

3. I don't know what your DH's job is but if he's in the police, social services, security services, military, medical services does he know something that would get him into trouble if he directly told you because of the confidentiality/ethics of his profession? (This does happen)

4. Is your DH a true crime fanatic & he's thinking the GF is a child of a major criminal or a notorious murderer?

5. Does your DH have a secret life - is he a secret drug dealer & has sold drugs to her family?

I really think you need to have it out with him.
I hope it's scenario 1 or even scenario 4 although that is a bit bonkers!

I hope your DH isn't in the throes of a mental breakdown or up to no good

Could he be spying on your sons phone?

If he thought he was her dad and wanted to hide it, he’d hardly be pushing for a private investigator with OP’s full knowledge. That doesn’t make sense. Some of you have read too many twisty ‘family secret’ thrillers.

Surely it’s more likely he either knows her from somewhere dodgy or mistakenly thinks he does — or his mental health is out of whack in some broader way, and he’s fixating on this young girl. Maybe he’s been reading a lot of toxic machismo BS online.

Tell your husband that if he doesn't stop gassing on about stalking a child via a PI for absolutely no relevant reason, you're going to call his GP and the local MH crisis line on his behalf. As he's clearly suffering from paranoid delusion, possibly psychosis.

What an absolute weirdo.

And if you think it's because she's half not white then you should divorce the racist prick..

The poor girl!

Willing to bet he is a racist, but given that the OP says she lives in a majority white area it has never been an overt issue. Now he has seen his son with a dual heriage girl he hates the idea and just like any racist he assumes that she or her family must be involved in some shadowy stuff. Her parents will surely go beserk if they even get wind that he has been contemplating this let alone doing it

I'd say it's racism. He may genuinely not be able to cite anything specific - because the only thing there is his unease at being around a mixed race girl, his son being with her, maybe mixed race grandkids down the line.

This was also my first thought although in that case surely they wouldn't need to hire a PI and would already know what's going on...or is the PI a decoy so OP wouldn't know about his OF account? Hmm

My first thought is that he's seen her in pornography/something like onlyfans and wants someone else to find it so he doesn't have to tell his family he's searching for 'barely legal' or similar. Awful but that would explain it.

Nothing more to add other than yes, bokers

Agree it's either Racism or something sexual (seen her onlyfans / fancies her / chatted her up once somewhere / who knows?)

Is she weird around him at all? Or is it one way?

Either way, I would be putting my foot down. Hard.

This is so odd that I want to laugh but in all honesty, maybe your DH needs to see the GP.

Does he suspect she’s his secret love child? Sorry I watch too many soaps.

OP what a weird and unpleasant situation, I'm sorry. I hope that the above comment is right and DH is having some sort of parental midlife crisis.

But I must admit that the fact that he blew up when you asked whether he recognized the girl from somewhere makes me wonder whether he (thinks he) has seen her in some unsavory context that would reflect poorly on him.

Then again, that feels like jumping to conclusions and rifling through his phone on this basis doesn't seem healthy. What a mess.

As someone said, a PI would be stalking by proxy and that is just not on. Have another go at talking to him calmly. But if he doesn't relent, there isn't really a good way forward I can see, or an explanation that isn't at least somewhat unflattering for DH.

😲

If he had that kind of job he’d surely be able to handle this scenario better.

Your DH is projecting. He's hiding something.