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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
ItsBella · 13/07/2025 22:06

It doesn't matter what underlies this, if this were my DD and I got a wind of this, I'd be advising my DD to run a mile from your son and the whole family. I'd worry she's not safe. There's something very wrong with your DH but it's going to affect you and your son as well, if anything comes of it.

bumblebubble23 · 13/07/2025 22:10

DifferentChoicesTooLate · 13/07/2025 19:08

If I found out my teenager DD boyfriends father had done this I would be talking to her seriously about the type of family bf is from!

This is frankly disgusting

This, I wouldn’t let my daughter go to your house if I knew he’d done this

whitewineandsun · 13/07/2025 22:10

ItsBella · 13/07/2025 22:06

It doesn't matter what underlies this, if this were my DD and I got a wind of this, I'd be advising my DD to run a mile from your son and the whole family. I'd worry she's not safe. There's something very wrong with your DH but it's going to affect you and your son as well, if anything comes of it.

Agree. That poor girl.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 22:10

Unicornsandprincesses · 13/07/2025 21:36

"I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea."

Ah, well there's your answer....

Show quote history

If somebody asked me that auestion, I wouldn't flip because I'd think they meant serving in a pub or working in a local shop.....

OchreRaven · 13/07/2025 22:11

arcticpandas · 13/07/2025 21:32

OK so 3 options:

  1. He thinks he recognises her from some only fans site/escort service he has used/other
  2. He is racist.
  3. He's going mad.

This and one more option

  1. he suspects or knows he is her father and they are committing incest
Dita73 · 13/07/2025 22:11

Your husband wants to pay a private investigator to stalk a 17 year old girl. He’s a bloody nutjob

Rallentanda · 13/07/2025 22:13

He’s having a breakdown
he’s a racist
he thinks there’s a chance he could be her father
he’s seen her on Onlyfans or similar
he’s somehow learned something about a member of her family that worries him

If this were a tv drama then 18 years ago (give or take) he had an affair and fast forward to now: he’s just learned who her mum is and has put two and two together. That’s why he thought the suggestion of her doing porn was abhorrent. The whole thing is causing him to spiral.

wrongthinker · 13/07/2025 22:14

I hope you get to the bottom of it, OP, and that there's a reasonable explanation for your husband's insanity!

Shenmen · 13/07/2025 22:20

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:40

To answer a few qs: no trauma that I know of, nothing in DH’s past that would make this make sense. He’s not usually like this, bit overprotective at times maybe but never this far off the rails. And yes, I do think he’s been spending too much time online lately, especially down some true crime rabbit holes.

Nothing about the girl seems dodgy to me. We don’t know her in depth but she’s not exactly giving off scammer/spy/serial killer vibes. DS met her at a party via mutuals, normal enough stuff. She’s still at sixth form. I did ask if DH had seen something online about her and he got all cagey and just said “I can’t put my finger on it” which is about as useful as a chocolate teapot tbh.

I do worry there’s something else going on, whether he fancies her (grim but not impossible, someone said it and I can’t unthink it now) or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but…

And yes, noted! Not “we”. He wants to hire a PI. I told him flat out I wouldn’t be a part of it but he thinks I’m being naive.

Honestly I’m tempted to warn DS before DH does something unforgivable. But I also don’t want to blow it all up unless I have to. What a mess.

I knew 100% reading that she would not be white British heritage. Your DH is a racist twat. I would leave mine if he acted liked this. I have no time for small minded fools.

Worriedmum67 · 13/07/2025 22:23

She is an escort and he has used her services, as he can't tell you that he fakes hiring a PI

dunroamingfornow · 13/07/2025 22:25

Essentially he wants to instruct a PI to investigate a child. If he actually intends to do this I doubt he’ll find one to take the case. Wouldn’t that be illegal ?

TheJinxMinx · 13/07/2025 22:25

You did the right thing OP DHs behaviour is disgusting tbh and not at all normal. If I found out some parent had payed a PI to watch my child I would go off my lid it would be brought straight to the police for stalking and invasion or privacy. He has no justified cause at all just " a feeling" try telling that to a judge. He needs some professional help this isn't normal behaviour your poor DS

OneAmberFinch · 13/07/2025 22:25

Get a friend to pose as a PI ;)

Littleone777 · 13/07/2025 22:28

racist.

Sladuf1 · 13/07/2025 22:49

He has a witch hunter gene and the power to sense magic (although he doesn’t know this) and his unexplained dislike of this girl is because she’s secretly a witch 😆. (A plot from Sabrina the Teenage Witch back in the day).

I agree it’s odd behaviour but then again the protective instinct of parents can result in them thinking a boyfriend/girlfriend is a bad egg and isn’t right for their child. It is perhaps less common for a father to be this way about a son’s girlfriend but fathers thinking a daughter’s boyfriend is a wrong ‘un isn’t an uncommon scenario.
DH thinking about hiring Inch High Private Eye though? OTT.
Perhaps there is mileage in him having fathered another child and he’s convinced there’s a possibility the girlfriend is his daughter.

R0llingOverTumble · 13/07/2025 22:50

Perhaps he knew the girls mother in the past ?

happinessischocolate · 13/07/2025 22:51

If it was racism what would hiring a PI achieve? Is he really assuming that she or her family are criminals based on her heritage?

if it’s onlyfans that would make more sense as he would be hoping the detective would discover that, but that’s now going to be blatantly obvious if the PI “discovers” that.

its all very bizarre and I don’t think my relationship could survive either option ☹️

Itsyouitsyouitsallforyou · 13/07/2025 22:52

But if it is racism why hasn’t he objected before?

The Op says her son had been seeing the girl for a ‘few weeks’ , that she’s been in their house ‘they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway’- it seems to be the request for her to stay over (and thus potentially sex?) that precipitated the bizarre PI request.

happinessischocolate · 13/07/2025 22:53

If he suspects she’s related to him then getting a PI involved isn’t going to help him, surely he’d be trying to get rid of her not let you find out more?

Amybelle88 · 13/07/2025 22:58

God I hope her parents don’t let her stay!!!

Livelovebehappy · 13/07/2025 23:00

ChocolateCinderToffee · 13/07/2025 21:41

It's basic racism.

I'd be telling him to get over himself or leave, OP.

Nah. I think OP has been married to him long enough to know whether she’s married to a racist. It’s not something he would be able to hide from her for so long. Just not possible. More likely to be snobbery in relation to what her family might be like. He knows which town she’s from, so will know if she’s from a nice area, which I’m guessing she isn’t. Hiring a PI if it’s just a racist thing would be irrelevant, as her race is there - doesn’t need investigation. He wants to know if her family match his own as far as class goes.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/07/2025 23:02

He does sound unwell.

whynotwhatknot · 13/07/2025 23:06

he wants to what? wtf is he on

Peacepleaselouise · 13/07/2025 23:07

That’s absolutely bizarre. Definitely not normal behaviour!

zmq3Zm96uijcs2c · 13/07/2025 23:07

This is so weird it’s actually led me to question could your husband be her father?