To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

Can you check his history online?

It might show where he might know her from if it is that. Secondly, and more concerning to me, it might show if he is searching things that are indicative of him having a psychotic episode. I’m not saying it is, but when I have psychosis I get really obsessive about certain people, think they are a danger etc.

Yes, next level mad.
I get a bad vibe about your DH.

I am wondering if she is his daughter from an illicit relationship.

Do you think he might have seen her, or someone who looks like her on OnlyFans or some such?

Could he be worried that he is her father?

It's basic racism.

I'd be telling him to get over himself or leave, OP.

Translation - I’m attracted to her and I need to find some dirt to prevent her from coming to stay.

This is absolutely bonkers.

This is actually quite disturbing and I'm not sure the girl is safe to be around your dh, he sounds absolutely mental.

How long have you been together? Could she be his daughter?

Any chance she's his daughter? I know that sounds incredibly unlikely but I personally know of one situation where exactly that happened. The girls mother came clean when she met the boy but the boys father (who knew earlier) said nothing.

Exactly what I thought.

I'd say that if he does this, you'll be booking a PI to forensically investigate him. That'll stop him in his tracks.

Telling your son isn't a good move right now as it will break their relationship. It may need to happen later but fight back first.

He's a weirdo and no mistake.

Hmm...seen her in skimpy outfits on Instagram and now he's having impure thoughts?

Or yes something related to her ethnicity so he's othering her, or fetishising, or worried about how he'll fit in with her family.

If he was concerned she was being controlling or coercive or your son was neglecting his studies or friends,bunking off work and acting out of character or saddle had lots of extensive new things he couldn't account for or thing gone missing, your husband might have cause to say he was getting vibes. But a PI wouldn't uncover most of that. If he'd seen her with another lad, or seen something in the paper or social media about her or her family surely he'd just say?

Sorry OP, it's just next level nuts and not at all OK. I'm usually one to say trust your gut but he's taking it too far. I don't know how you can easily gave her round now without it being awkward for you but I really hope he snaps out of it soon and wonders WTF he was thinking.

If I was the GF and I found out you was wanting to hire a PI to look into me, I'd never set foot in your house or speak to your DH ever again. That is creepy AF.

This reminds me of that Netflix series where the dad was obsessed with his sons girlfriend that even followed them on their holiday, got the same room they were in and came on the pillow.

Can you even imagine finding out your 17 year old daughter's boyfriends dad has hired a PI over her?

Aside from morals, can it even be legal to stalk a child?

It's so disturbing.

She spends a lot of time at your house, but you’ve only met her twice? Sounds like your husband just needs to be around and actively engaged in his son’s life a bit more.

Check his phone to see what he's looking at

Except they won't because she is a child. If the firm was properly ethical and did discover anything, as suggested, they would inform SS and if the OP's DH has been watching child abuse images (which it would be because she's under 18) then his nice MC world might just come crashing down.
Interesting that everyone is thinking this child is involved in prostitution and that the DH isn't just a racist twat. He might have been checking out her socials and looking at bikini/dancing videos. Of course it's her fault, black girls sadly are used to this shit. That's why black children, particularly girls are disproportionately and wrongly stripped searched by the police. Assuming he is the father, means the mother is black, again posters need to check their bias. It's getting serious, of course this mixed race girl, from the wrong side of the tracks wants to bag herself his MC sion via pregnancy.

He'll be arrested for stalking a miner hopefully

Having witnessed a friend have a psychotic breakdown this sounds a bit like how it started. A random person becoming the fixation for paranoia, my friend not trying to hide his suspicions (this is key) but eventually becoming convinced more people were involved in something vague against him until then he started to say people were spies and trying to steal information from his head. I'm not saying this is definitely what's going on here but I wouldn't rule it out just yet.

Oh I'm totally thinking he's a racist twat.

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

This stood out to me. All you said 'are you sure this isn't something to do with you recognising her from somewhere', and he immediately went defensive. You didn't say anything offensive or accuse him of anything. The words you used didn't necessarily imply anything untoward but he immediately went there. I think he either recognises her or knows her Mum. I don't think this is a race thing either, it's obvious looking at her she's mixed race!

If she were his daughter how would a PI help? Unless he plans to lie and say the PI saw her breaking into a house or mugging an old lady or something...
But surely he would have to tell his son asap if that were the case, just for ethical reasons so he's not dating his sister? How would you sit on that knowledge?

Maybe he has had a thing with someone in her family at some time and doesn't want the two worlds colliding? Like he dated her aunt and hasn't told you when you've discussed exes.