To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

If your DH is uncomfortable with the situation the first thing he should do is question your son & be honest about his feelings.

I'm also thinking he knows her, or knows someone connected to her.

He'll present you with what the investigator has unearthed, only he knew it all along and didn't actually hire one.

Too close to home. If he was racist, you'd know by now having been married for so long.

Fancies,
Hit on her sister/mum/friend,
Online shenanigans/sugar daddy sites,
She's an ex's child.

This is one of the maddest things I have ever read on here. I can't even begin to think of any reason he would do this unless he knows her or someone in her family or social circle who knows something dodgy about him. Other that that is is just bonkers

This is a difficult one. All I can say is, if your husband does have the girl (& presumably her family), checked out, she won't know. The people who do these snooping things are professional and discreet. It might put your husband's mind at rest but I agree with everyone else, it is most odd and not a pleasant idea. However you can't stop it if he is determined.

That is what jumped out at me, probably thinks she is from a family of drug dealers all dripping in gold with diamonds drilled into their teeth.

I’d be reporting him to the police if he got a private investigator stalking a child. I’d be seriously sending him to the GP, this is far from normal.

Is your DH suffering from a mental illness or sudden neurological condition? Assuming this is not normal for him I’d maybe get a drs appointment as this is not normal
to the point of being deranged.

This is what I was thinking. I’d have to LTB, sorry OP. He doesn’t sound like a nice person to be around…

Let's reverse it and the GFs father wants her bf investigated. Thinks he's a wrong un. What would the boys father think?

Is there anything else strange in your husband's behaviour which might point to some sort of paranoia/psychosis developing? Is he typically very closed off and doesn't welcome others into his bubble, or is this behaviour aimed solely at this poor girl?

I would worry about her safety at your home tbh, I wonder if he doesn't trust himself.

Good luck OP, sounds like a difficult situation and you are doing your best to keep it rational

He has seen something online through OF or whatever. He wants the PI, so you won't know he already knew.

Stalking a teenager by proxy. Unhinged.

Why? Why does everything irreverent need to be ‘reversed’?

He's racist. Liberal on paper, but wants no divestment from Whiteness besmirching his family life.

More likely a class thing tbh. Just with OPs wording she comes from ‘the next town over’. This has connotations of ‘wrong side of town’. If you’re middle class you’re going to want your dc to mix with the same ilk, not someone from a lower class background who might be a distraction. That’s the reality.

This is intriguing. I don’t think it’s anything to do with race because what will a PI uncover about her , her race is already visible in her skin tone. I’m thinking what an OP said about her socials that DH has found out but don’t want to let on . Otherwise maybe he’s suffering from Paranoia which is grim.

He is a racist I reckon , I had a long relationship with a guy who was black and some of the things that white people would come out with really shocked me at first. He was used to it as sadly that sort of crap is what black people have to contend with all their lives. Here is one example that I will always remember that happened when we were in a club. A white man came up to us and said "Hey, I am not being rasict or anything, but have you got any drugs, you guys always have drugs on you" . There are plenty more that spring to mind but this one stands out as it has the classic preface of " I am not being racist..." I thing OP's husband has seen a non white person and his "gut feeling" is actually his racisim

Are you billionaires?

I once went out with a boy whose family home had a ha-ha. I was from deepest, darkest South London. They were fine with <ahem> mixing, but not with mixing-mixing IYSWIM.

This (or similar)

Of course I’m supposed to say your DH is a psycho, but then I’m also a nosey cow and want the PI to investigate just so you can come back OP and tell us all that she’s got OnlyFans and your DH is subscribed to it! (Or whatever other salacious reason your DH has for being so suspicious of this girl)

OK so 3 options:

1. He thinks he recognises her from some only fans site/escort service he has used/other
2. He is racist.
3. He's going mad.

My guess that this is a little bit of racial prejudice (he may not even be able to put his finger on it being that, this is why racism is so insidious) and a little bit he’s gone down some misogynistic incel rabbit hole online about women being out to scam men. I bet he’s worried she has falsely accused another boy of rape or assault or is involved in some scheming online about how to trap a man in something nefarious. And yes, he sounds bonkers. I bet his internet search history would be enlightening.

All that being said, a PI is not going to stalk a girl under 18 on behalf of some creepy obsessive adult man.

None of these options are good news for the OP, but I agree.

My first thought too. He's seen her somewhere he shouldn't but can't tell anybody, so needs to hire somebody else to "discover" her secret and spill the beans...

"I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea."

Ah, well there's your answer....