Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

489 replies

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 19:05

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

OP posts:
DreamTheMoors · 13/07/2025 20:45

If your husband is trying to keep this young lady away from your son — and your son catches wind of it — that’s the surest way in the world for your son to want be with this young lady.
The exact same thing happened to me, only my mum tried to keep me away from a darling boy I fancied.
She was exactly right, of course, but what kid with stars in their eyes can see that?

Smittenkitchen · 13/07/2025 20:46

I wouldn't say anything to DS unless he actually goes ahead with it. It shouldn't be his problem that his dad is a crank.

Mmhmmn · 13/07/2025 20:46

Despite my last comment, given his behaviour I’m starting to wonder if you should hire a PI to investigate your DH!

ilovemydogandmrobama2 · 13/07/2025 20:47

Logically - any information about a 17 year old, i.e. not an adult would be about A CHILD, so a PI would not be able to access much anyway. If she did have a criminal record, it would be under seal, but she is too young for a DBS check.

But if you as a PI to look into the background of a 17 year old girl, mixed race girl at 6th form, am sure that most PIs would run a mile.

Your DH sounds unhinged.

cc99xo · 13/07/2025 20:49

What possibly does he think a teenage girl is hiding?

Dstoat · 13/07/2025 20:50

He needs to think how this will play publicly for him and DS. White middle aged man stalks son’s underage girlfriend hiring a private detective to know her very move and routine. He will look like an utterly crazy, dangerous pervert. Think of how that will feel to DS what it will do to him (not to mention her!). Maybe she’s quiet because she’s picked up on that he’s fucking unhinged…He’s risking his reputation his sons and police involvement. He needs a serious sharp shock and you need a real think about what else about him isn’t right…

Cucy · 13/07/2025 20:51

Well done for being so straight with him.

This is not normal.
No matter how much of a bad feeling I get from someone’s new partner, it has never been crossed my mind to get a PI!

How dodgy can a 17yo actually be!

Do not tell your DS anything and continue to welcome her into your home.

Dramatic · 13/07/2025 20:53

LittleMarmiteQueen · 13/07/2025 20:33

Honestly I don’t even know what to say anymore. This has gone from me thinking DH was just being a bit OTT to full-on questioning if I’m living with an actual lunatic.

I’ve just sat him down and tried to get him to actually explain why he feels so strongly about this. And you lot are right - he still couldn’t give me anything concrete. Just kept saying things like “something’s not right” and “I’ve got a gut feeling”. I pushed and asked if it was about her race or background and he got all defensive and accused me of turning it into something it’s not. But still gave no reason. Just more vague vibes.

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

So… yeah. I’m really not ok with this. It does feel racist or obsessive or something equally disturbing, and I can’t believe I’m saying this about my own husband. The thought that he might actually go ahead and try to hire someone to follow this poor girl makes me feel sick.

I told him flat out, if he contacts anyone I will tell DS and I’ll be the one calling her parents myself. I also said he needs to either tell me what this is really about or go talk to someone professionally, because this isn’t normal.

DS is still in the dark for now but I honestly don’t know how long I can sit on this. DH has completely lost perspective and it’s like trying to reason with someone who’s halfway through writing a conspiracy blog.

Thank you all so much for your comments - I think I needed the full chorus of “this is bonkers” to really hit home that this isn’t just a bad parenting moment. It’s something bigger and possibly darker. I’m honestly a bit scared of where this goes next.

I'm sorry op, it is a really bizarre and extreme reaction from him. I think you're right to be concerned about some sort of darker reason, I can only think that either he fancies her, he's seen her on OF or he's racist. None of them are innocent reasons and all of them would have me questioning the relationship if it was my husband doing this.

Blessthismess2 · 13/07/2025 20:54

DH has lost the plot!!

PinkyFlamingo · 13/07/2025 20:54

My first thought is he's becoming unwell with some sort of paranoid psychosis. But it sounds like it's just specifically focused on your DSs girlfriend. Unless you've noticed other signs?

outerspacepotato · 13/07/2025 20:56

I'd insist he tells you just what's up with such an irrational idea of stalking a minor via private eye or he's going to schedule a mental status exam or he's going to be divorced.

I suspect he's wildly racist and having a mental health spiral because of his son dating a young woman who's mixed race. But it could be he thinks she's someone he's seen on Only Fans.

Has he been watching right wing or incel content? Is he on Only Fans or other porn sites?

I wouldn't have son's gf over at this time for her own safety. Your husband is acting irrationally and hiding something and I would be worried he would possibly harm her.

Monty27 · 13/07/2025 20:57

Is your dh hiding something. Also I'd tell ds and ask if he could stay at gfs instead.
I'd also consider leaving dh for all the surmised comments above.

Delphiniumandlupins · 13/07/2025 20:58

I would ask him what he thinks a PI could discover about a 17 year old schoolgirl and what he would do with the information? How would he feel if it was his child being investigated - and statistically your DS is more likely to be a danger than the girl.

notawittyname1954 · 13/07/2025 20:58

Has your son had previous girlfriends? If so its strange that he has got so suspicious of this particular one. I imagine your son would be extremely insulted and how awkward will it be moving forward if he employs a PI. he does need to explain his reasons properly to you.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:02

Yeah sorry @LittleMarmiteQueen you are married to a racist, and one who is fucking bonkers. I don't think I could get past this tbh. He sounds dreadful.

Zucker · 13/07/2025 21:02

If this was the movies it would turn out years ago he had an affair and this was his long lost daughter!

However real life is far more boring and most likely he's being racist. Plus as others have pointed out she's 17 so in what world would a P.I. investigate someone underage. Her parents would do well to keep their daughter away from your husband tbh.

Robogob · 13/07/2025 21:03

He knows her. I’d put money on it.

bjkhilg890 · 13/07/2025 21:03

bumblecoach · 13/07/2025 19:18

he probably fancies her

A 17 year old?

vivideye · 13/07/2025 21:04

I'm afraid the first thing I thought was that your husband made some sort of an unsuccessful pass at her or otherwise has said something so wholly inappropriate he's terrified that she will tell your son or you about it. It happens a lot, sorry.

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:04

bjkhilg890 · 13/07/2025 21:03

A 17 year old?

Show quote history

He's a middle aged man, so possibly yes...... More likely he's a raging racist though (the OP said the girl is mixed race.)

Digdongdoo · 13/07/2025 21:05

He fancies her, or he's racist. Probably both.
Or he already knows her.
There's no good reason for that behaviour

LikeWhoUsesTypewritersAnyway · 13/07/2025 21:07

vivideye · 13/07/2025 21:04

I'm afraid the first thing I thought was that your husband made some sort of an unsuccessful pass at her or otherwise has said something so wholly inappropriate he's terrified that she will tell your son or you about it. It happens a lot, sorry.

Yeah this. ^

cupfinalchaos · 13/07/2025 21:07

FrenchandSaunders · 13/07/2025 19:07

He’s spotted her on his onlyfans account …

This was my first thought.

EveryOtherNameTaken · 13/07/2025 21:08

I think it's sexual based. I don't think he would be thinking to get a PI if he was racist. It's like he KNOWS something and can use it against her. Cam girl or something.

Lilactimes · 13/07/2025 21:08

Could she be his child from a past relationship and he’s trying to find out for your son’s sake?

I would show him this thread too maybe.
His behaviour is extremely strange.