To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

I am just so sorry you are going through this. Its all the more horrendous because it is so puzzling, out of character, and mean spirited. It doesn’t easily fit with normal life (your normal life) nor is it a common form of breakdown. At this point I rather side with the posters who think its an internet induced psychotic episode. This is so scary for you all. Please take care of yourself. Its hard to have your husband acting so erratically while he seems oblivious to the harm.

I even said, “Are you sure this isn’t something to do with you recognising her from somewhere?” and he properly flipped. Said I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things. Wouldn’t even entertain the idea.

and there you have it…. He’s answered your question, he just hasn’t said what it actually is. Has to be pretty bad to allow it to get to the point you’ve said you’d seek legal advice and he’s just doubling down and gaslighting you further… how could YOU treat him like this OP? 🤦‍♀️ it’s classic deflection.

I’m sorry OP, I guess atleast he’s not a lunatic? Just frantically trying to cover up a lie.

Sounds like as pp said he's found her only fans and freaked out now he realised how young she is? Orrrrrrr he tried it on with her mum or something and is worried you'll find out?
Or he's having some kind of breakdown? A knew someone with schizophrenia who became very obsessed with checking that he hadn't "put me in danger" and that's there were "people out there". It's probably not that but it sounds similar

I'd be inclined to have a good search on his laptop/ phone to see what he's been looking at, his googling history could be very revealing. He absolutely has a guilty secret Op, the remarks about what you think of him are a giveaway. Maybe the one who needs a PI is you but to follow him

But wouldn't OP have noticed before of he IS a racist?
I would notice, if it was my DH.

Not necessarily. The father I mentioned in my previous post gave absolutely no signs of being racist and in his own words "had no need to be until they started trying to join his family"

He kept his opinions hidden until he couldn't hide any longer.

His wife ended up divorcing him after over 20 years because that's when it surfaced.

I agree it would be a good idea to check out his search history. The only thing that makes sense here is that he knows something about her and desperately wants you to know too, but needs someone else to discover it and tell you. Otherwise the PI thing is so, so bizarre.

Not all racists are that obvious. Some of them are exactly like the OPs DH, it means they can hide behind confusion. Look at any number of the threads where racism comes up. Unless they outright use a racial slur people defend and say it’s a misunderstanding or the victim has a chip on their shoulder.

At 17 she is a child. No way in a million years would a private detective take this on. Stalking a child????

The only one that ends up looking like a nut job is your DH.

He’s either racist or he knows more than he’s letting on. He recognises her family name or used to know her parents. Something fishy going on.

But random but I think he’s been watching porn and thinks he’s seen her but can’t be sure or explain what that’s where he though he saw her

I'm sure that a passport verification process is required for registering an OF account.
There are legal consequences, fraud and deception.
I doubt she is on only fans, the suggestion is offensive.
I think he's just a snob that expects his DS to have a white MC GF.
He doesn't want the relationship to become longterm.

Ffs now she is a porn actress. 🙄 Poor girl. Terrible speculation defending a snobby white man.

Literally nothing about that indicates that she’s low income or not middle class. Just that she’s mixed race. Read it as many times as you required until you grasp that.

Again, you’re as racist as he is. And reacting precisely as one would expect.

But then what would getting a PI achieve? I could have bought that it was racism if he was just chuntering about her not being good enough for their boy or something.

The obsession with having her investigated doesn’t tie up with that.

Plus there’s his overreaction when OP asked if he’d recognised her from somewhere. That sounds like he’s hiding something.

Definitely check his browsing history. His defensive reactions tell you everything.

He either needs to admit what’s really going on or agree to speak to a doctor for his concerning behaviour.

My error doesn't make me a racist. OP mentioned White/MC. I made an error assuming her descriptions were the opposite of this girl. Class and colour, as OP mentioned.
That doesn't excuse you calling me a racist.
Your post undermines racism.

She most likely isn’t, but could look like someone he’s seen online.

So people assume she is an on camera prostitute or porn actress, terrible.

Are you going to elaborate more on "He said something about “certain types of people” all knowing each other. That was the moment I lost it."
You clearly know what his comment was aiming? Please share?? Is your DH a racist?

OP, hire a PI to investigate your husband. You need to know the truth and he is clearly hiding something. I would also check your son's room, at least, for any recording devices. Awful.

The PI stuff is a red herring. There's no way he was intending to do this, he would simply reveal any information he has (Ta da!) as coming from a PI, therefore not implicating himself.
I do think this is rooted in racism and the Facebook stalking etc is him looking for anything to back up his racist views.

I think you should team up with OP's DH, grab yourself a coffee too.

If you asked me to guess I would say racism is the most likely explanation. If he had been in any kind of relationship with the mum (or aunt or other relative) and it was before you met, I think he would be more forthcoming. Or if say he had crossed swords with one of her parents.

I'd sympathise if he thought there should be more time before staying overnight, but I don't think that is the reason.

It is hilarious that you're calling me racist for assuming this girl is working class because she is mixed race, yet there are pages of poster's assuming she is an on camera prostitute but that is fine.
There is nothing wrong with being WC.
I'm working class.

Nobody is assuming anything. They are offering up possible reasons for his lunacy. You just automatically assumed she was poor.

It’s great that you find your racism hilarious, though. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽