To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

I agree with this....

If it’s not a mental health issue, the private eye thing makes me think it’s not actually racism, I think it’s as another poster has said, and that it’s a cover for him already knowing something about this girl or her family, because he doesn’t want you to know HOW he knows it.

Are there any other behaviours to suggest this might be MH related? Does he have form for obsessing over things? Is he under a lot of stress for any reason?

He's shagged the mum in the past. Nailed on.

The problem seems to have moved on from him wanting a PI to you not trusting anything he says.
I don't think it's too mad to do 'a bit' of digging when a child has a new girlfriend that isn't from a known circle. A quick look at an open facebook page or instagram isn't that damning. What is weird is not coming to you straight away and saying 'I've found this out about x and her family' what do you think?' Sounds like he only looked on FB after his 'gut' said he didn't like her.
He won't tell you why he is behaving like he is. That is what I would want to get to the bottom of pronto.
He was OK at first then went off on one when DS wanted her to stay over. It's like one of those films where he suddenly works out he slept with her mother 18 years ago, or she's his dating his best friend.

I think there are two separate issues here and they've come together around this girl.

Firstly - I think the reaction to her and the sense that something is off is racism. If he has he never demonstrated any racism previously, it may be unconscious bias so even he isn't aware of what it is which is why he can't put his finger on it.

Is she mixed heritage white / asian or white / black (or something else). The 'these type of people all know each other' tends to be a stereotype associated with the Asian community due to them generally having fairly large networks, but could also apply to stereotypes around criminality for black people. Both are shite, but present slightly different issues!

Either way, I think that needs to be addressed - most people have unconcious bias, but it is about recognising it and actively addressing it within yourself. That's an easy fix if he is willing to talk and think about it.

More worrying is his reaction around wanting to get a PI and stalking her family on social media - you say he spends a lot of time watching true crime documentaries. Is he also doing a lot of 'research' online?

Because it sounds very much like he is going down a conspiracy theory rabbit hole and that never ends well and is almost impossible to pull people out of - think 9/11, cloud seeding, vaccine denial, deep state etc. Once people are captured by that nonsense, it is really, really difficult to pull them back and they can become obsessive very quickly.

It may be that the girl is just a trigger if he was already starting on that path.

I would get him to the GP and into some kind of therapy ASAP and stop him watching that sort of thing.

Do you know something I couldn’t get my head around this madness, but this makes sense. .
He can’ come out with the reason himself so he needs to or at least pretend “someone else like and investigator” has found the info out )

What do you think he means? It’s very obvious he’s a racist but trying to keep up the pretence of not being one. Everyone is grasping at straws that he’s into the girl, had an affair etc. but he’s just your standard middle class racist. Much ado about nothing.

OP, your DH's behaviour reminds me of someone I know who slipped slowly into a paranoid and psychotic state after spending 15 hours a day on the internet, getting more and more immersed in conspiracy theories and other nonsense. It was such a slow descent that his family didn't notice how far he'd gone until he totally lost it. They'd been in a boiled-frog situation: they used to laugh at all his conspiracy theories until one day it was too late.

You might want to have a long think about anything that's changed about your DH and any other things he started doing/ believing in the last couple of years. What's he up to on the internet every night while you're in bed? Can you have a look at his browsing history?

If you can pinpoint other changes, and if your husband isn't willing to talk about what's going on and admit that he's behaving inappropriately, I would be concerned. The woman married to the man I alluded to above has been involved in divorce proceedings for three years now. Her husband's MH is so bad that he's spent many months in a psychiatric unit and that has made it very difficult for her to end their marriage. She's said on many occasions that if she'd realised how badly affected he was earlier on she might have separated or divorced quickly and easily and created some security for her children. Sorry: that's the worst case scenario, but internet use does seem to activate MH issues in susceptible people.

Hi OP, I don't have any anwers but just wanted to say this must be so shocking for you and difficult to deal with. It must feel that he has turned into a crazy stranger with god only knows what possible secrets lurking under the surface.

But wouldn't OP have noticed before of he IS a racist?
I would notice, if it was my DH.

@LittleMarmiteQueen it sounds like you have sadly only just found out your (h) is a creep .
He blew up when you mentioned online .. gaslit you that you’re thinking bad and not that he’s up to something.

I think it could be something like only fans for sure now.

My kids dad went paranoid like this for a while and eventually went into psychosis. We are not even together and I was the only one who noticed he had as he was acting so odd.

A lot of people “aren’t racist” in the sense they don’t go round using the N word and committing hate crimes but they change their tune real quick when the possibility of a mixed grandchild is on the table. It’s not nice, but I have known people like this. I would probably assume it’s that if it wasn’t for the PI thing.

To me, the PI thing makes me think he knows her from onlyfans or porn.

If I were you I’d sit him down, say you’re worried about his mental health and you’re giving him an opportunity to tell the truth. I would straight up ask about the onlyfans thing as well. Give him a safe space (or the illusion of one) to come forward and then if he does fess up proceed as you see fit.

EDIT: just read your updates and now my money is on issues with her race. Doesn’t want a mixed grandchild.

Aww, sorry for you and your DC

Sorry for him too of course.

From your update OP, I’m thinking two things. Could be one or the other or a bit of both.

It’s a race/class thing. Is the mum white and she has black and brown friends/family? Does she associate with people that look, let’s say a bit ‘thug’? I agree with others that a lot of people aren’t racist as long as people who aren’t like them stay in the next town over or don’t try to mingle too much.

Or he knows the mum or an aunt or a sister for reasons that he would not want others to find out and is now in a panic because worlds are colliding?

I think we’re supposed to speculate, for the amusement of others elsewhere.

Yes. Or something like this. He has some reason to think she’s bad for your son that he can’t tell you about.

That or he’s not well at the moment - could that be the case?

Unlikely. Probably wrote off previous mutterings as nonsense. Now it’s reached this level she’s concerned. Many partners miss warning signs.

Yeah, he would have had a problem long before the wanting to sleep over if it was just about race.
He's realised who she is, or what she is, or who her family are. There is more to it.
There is clearly something a PI would easily discover about this girl that he is not saying. Her skin colour was obvious from day one.

He's fully nuts.
And he's going to do incredible damage here if you don't put a stop to it.

How dare you. I am not racist.
or if there’s something buried like unconscious bias about her background. She’s mixed race and we are very white middle class suburbia, so maybe something’s been triggered and he can’t admit it even to himself? I don’t want to believe that but
This is OP'S words, she implied the issue was race and class.
Knob.
I am working class, from a low income family. I was thinking about my beautiful teenage daughter in this situation, that a boyfriends father would assume she is trash because I went to a poorer school. I'm that "type" of person, in reality they'd be lucky to have her.

This is the best explanation to what could be happening. I doubt your husband is serious about the PI. He already knows what the issue is. Most likely a dodgy stuff from the past.

I would have listened to everything he had to say.

In fact he was already going there with the past and schools etc…

OP he needs to see a doctor.
Pp's suggesting that they slept together are crazy. Why would she? Yuck.

Could she be your husbands secret daughter?