To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

For some bizarre reason your husband doesn't want your son dating this girl. Now it could be he's struggling to accept his son is growing up, particularly if this girl is his first relationship. It could be a class or race issue. Or it could be that he knows (of) the Mother or other family members. To look at someone's school, and decide they must be a terrible person because, I assume, the school wasn't great, is ludicrous! Plenty of people don't go to the best schools but achieve in life. He's looked at who's she's friends with on Faceache, and decided they are dubious characters!! Unless he knows the Mum or her friends, he's got zero idea what these people are like!! If the girl came from a notorious family known for their criminal activities, I could absolutely understand his concern, but there's no suggestion this is the case. No PI, is going to track a 17 year old girl, who's still in 6th Form, she's not an adult, and he'd be hard pushed to find someone above board who would do this, as it's highly unethical or appropriate. My only other thought, has your husband ever been alone in this young girl's company? Could she have made a pass at him???! Sounds far fetched, but not all 17 year olds are sweet and innocent!

He knows the Mum/Family and whatever it is, it will not shed him in a good light - that's what I reckon.

"Certain types of people"? What does he mean by that?

Do you live in small town/village?

Could he have seen this girl and think she looks just like her mum who he has some type of past with? Have a quick look at her Facebook profile picture to see how similar they look. Do they share the same surname and has your son posted or shared his gfs surname?

My money is that or he finds this girl very attractive and its alarming him so he wants her out of the picture so he's inventing reasons she's not good for your son.

When was the last time she was at the house? How soon after that did this bad feeling about her get brought up @LittleMarmiteQueen

So you asked if he recognised her, and his response was "I was being disgusting and that I was trying to twist things".

He knows that whatever the connection between them, he is disgusting, because it is a connection that would disgust you.

Unless you actually did mention something like an OF account.

The more I read it is obvious that either this is a proper mental health crisis or the DH knows her/her family in some way that would shed him in a bad light (OnlyFans, sex work, drug buying, affair). There is just no other rational way of explaining this

I wonder if he is on a dating site and had set his searches for much younger (because, men), and is worried that she would recognise him and say something.

This is almost certainly being lead because of something sexual. Men are not usually this weird when it comes to sons dating.

Sorry, OP, your husband is a racist and is being creepy AF about it.

I don't think your son's gf is safe around him. I think you need to talk to your son and let him know that his gf shouldn't be around his dad. I think her safety is more important than keeping your son in the dark.

I think your husband needs a physical checkup and mental status exam if this is a drastic behavioural change. He's showing paranoia and his behaviour is not normal.

Look at his Internet history. Has he been on right wing racist sites or watching conspiracy content?

Your DH is the girl's father. Or thinks he might be,

Wild stab in the dark here. He doesn't think he may be her father does he? From a previous relationship with her mother?

@LittleMarmiteQueen even before your DH started digging into her life you contrasted the pure fact of her being mixed race with your own very white middle class suburbia - without, as far as you’ve said, any knowledge of her own background. Why did you assume she wasn’t from middle class suburbia?

It’s a little worrying that you seem unaware that having parents from more than one ethnicity doesn’t actually preclude one from, for instance, owning vast tracts of land, or attending a £60k a year boarding school, or studying at Oxbridge, or being a concert pianist or a KC.

I’m afraid your assumptions might be almost as knee jerk as your husband’s.

Anyway …

My guess - he’s her dad.

seems way too soap opera!

This.

He thinks he knows something about her, but doesn't want to to admit it.

Very odd indeed and more than a bit creepy. By rights, at 17, she’s still a child and he’s pretty much stalking her.

Ok so I do now think he’s just racist. I don’t know where you go from here. Just keep supporting your son and tell your DH if he continues to pursue this you will report him for harassment? Poor girl 🥺

He knows her mother and is trying to create a smokescreen

Is it really? Honestly didn’t know that! I say mixed race all the time even at work, ffs, I’m officially my Nanna!

I’m very proud of you. Genuinely in a non condescending way. It’s hard to stand up to them and I haven’t managed it yet and I’m a shadow of my former self. I hope he drops it now.

I’m Black, I have mixed relatives and friends. We’re in our 20’s and 30’s, and what MN would consider hyper woke. And none of us says ‘dual heritage’. It’s not a commonly used term, it isn’t ’preferred’ and it’s certainly not how anyone self identifies, in my experience. Particularly as many people may have more than two ‘heritages’, so it doesn’t really work.

You’re fine.

went through my overactive brain too...😬

a) had an affair with her mother years ago,
b) fancies her for himself,
c) racist,
d) just generally unhinged

Unless he's got some intel that she's from a family of gangsters, then yes, he's losing the plot!

Tell us more about your husband. Does he work? Has anything else strange happened lately?

This is beyond bananas op. In no world is this a normal thing to even consider. There's no real way of knowing where this is actually stemming from whether it's an attraction fixation or if she has an online presence or if he's having a mental health crisis and this poor girl has become the target for his paranoia but it is really worrying. The other issue is that even if it was any of those options, the idea he feels entitled enough to hire a Pi to effectively stalk a child for him is very worrying. Even if he found her attractive or had seen her online etc he should still be aware enough of the social boundary that exists when talking about minors. Either his boundaries are not as clear as they should be, or he's unwell and has lost all perspective in which case he's actually a bit unpredictable. Honestly right now, either way, he sounds like a safeguarding red flag and I think you're right to be worried.

I would actually be doing digging of my own to try and work out if he has form for this. What type of content is he engaging with online? Does he track you or your kids for example (and I don't mean PI i mean with apps or air tags?) Are there other elements of control that exist that up to now you've accepted and thought of as normal or protective? You say he can be a bit over protective at times - what does that actually look like?

Is this the first time any of your kids have had boyfriends/girlfriends? If he struggles with control then this could be his narcissistic personality struggling with the fact your ds will naturally become harder to control as he gets older and forms a new family of his own.

Do you have access to your own money/ savings and is there somewhere you could go if you needed to in a hurry? I hate to say it op but a friend of mines husband started to display very paranoid behaviour out of the blue and she went along with it trying to support him and understand him and he then tried to kill her and their kids before killing himself. Thankfully she and her kids survived. Obviously this may not be that extreme but my point is always listen to your gut. It's giving you red flags for a reason here.

weird as fuck.
I think he's definitely done something dodgy here.

Don't wait for a blow out, OP You need to talk with your DS. He's almost an adult and NEEDS to know what's going on. Trying to hide this kind of information from him is letting him believe everything is fine at home when it's not.

My heart goes out to you. You are doing everything in your power to confront your husband and shield your son and his girlfriend before it blows up. Unfortunately, it's not your decision to make, your DH took away that decision by behaving like a lunatic. Be honest with your son, he deserves it.