To think DH is losing the plot re: DS’s new girlfriend??

[LittleMarmiteQueen]

DS (17) has a new GF, been seeing her a few weeks. She seems nice enough, a bit quiet maybe, but polite, comes from the next town over. He’s been asking if she can stay over one weekend (they’ve been spending a lot of time here anyway, mostly watching films in his room, door open etc)

DH has suddenly decided he’s “getting bad vibes” off her. Couldn’t really explain what he meant, just that “something’s off” and “you never know these days” 🙄

He’s now saying he wants to hire a private investigator to do a background check before we let her stay the night. A PI!!! For a 17yo girl!!! He’s already been Googling local firms and tried to act like this is totally normal and responsible parenting.

I told him he was being ridiculous and over the top but he’s digging his heels in and going on about “protecting DS” and how “she could be hiding something” and we need to be “vigilant”. Honestly I’m half wondering if he’s watched too many Netflix docs lately.

FWIW we’ve met her twice, she’s been nothing but respectful, and DS is completely smitten. I think if he finds out we’re even considering this he’ll go nuclear.

AIBU to think this is a completely mad overreaction?? Or is this just modern parenting now and I’m the one who’s too relaxed?

Can you look at your husband’s internet search history in the couple of days before he first raised it and see if there’s anything concrete there which may explain it?

Don't know about the gf 'being off' but there is something def off about h.
I think he's fallen down a rabbit hole, got in too deep and now believes this nonsense. Or doesn't want to admit it all sounds stupid and is trying to cover for himself.
I would be telling my s if h went ahead with this stupid idea and also the gf's parents. He sounds insane, I would be wary around him too.

Would an investigator be able to spy on a minor?

Morning all - thought I’d come back with a quick (ish) update. Thank you again to everyone who commented yesterday. It was overwhelming in the best way and really helped me feel less like I was being gaslit in my own house.

So. Last night didn’t end well. After I posted, DH basically sulked around all evening. Wouldn’t talk properly but kept making passive-aggressive comments like “I see you’ve made up your mind about me” and “guess I’m not allowed to trust my instincts anymore.” I didn’t rise to it.

Then around midnight - yes, midnight - he came into the bedroom and said he’d “done some digging” (his words) and found the girl’s mum on Facebook. Apparently he’d looked through her profile, gone through likes, friends, tagged pics, and somehow ended up looking at what school she went to. He said something about “certain types of people” all knowing each other. That was the moment I lost it.

I told him flat out that this was beyond weird and that if he made one more move to track this girl or anyone around her, I would not only tell DS but her parents as well. I also told him I’d start looking at legal advice if it came to that. He tried to act all hurt and “how dare you think I’d do something inappropriate” but honestly, it’s like talking to a completely different person.

This morning he’s pretending everything is fine and offering me tea like nothing happened. No apology. No acknowledgement of how invasive and borderline sinister this is. Just back to normal as if he didn’t spend half the night stalking a teenager’s family on social media.

DS has no idea still but I don’t know how long that’ll last. And honestly? I’m starting to wonder what else DH is capable of. Never thought I’d be in this situation over a teenage relationship but here we are.

Will update again if (when?) this blows up. For now I’m just keeping notes, and keeping calm. But I’m done playing along with this “concerned dad” act. It’s not concern - it’s control. And it’s not going to fly.

What do you think he meant by "certain types of people". Is it a class thing you mean?

Racist. He is surprised that mixed race people probably have mixed race friends.. shock, horror.

I think he knows her mum OP. Even if he did some digging on FB how could he glean that much info? Sounds like he’s trying to find an excuse for finding out stuff he already knows. I would call his bluff and ask him to show me his profile and spell out BLUNTLY exactly what his issue is.

You need to ask him outright what he means by "certain types".

At this point I'd be telling him outright that his attempts at being coy over what is causing his gut instincts about "certain types" were simply making him sound like an outright racist and unless he could explain otherwise that would be my working assumption.

Haven't read the full thread but I'm going to say it...

Has he had sex with her? Fancies her?

And what is his concern about these certain types of people? Drugs? Trafficking? What is the actual problem that he thinks he has uncovered or has a gut feeling about.

This could be an explanation everything else points to your DH having a mental health issue.

Goodness your dh sound’s worryingly unhinged.
I am pleased you are putting your foot down on this with him. To be honest I would be looking at him in a whole new light.

I also am hoping that no decent private investigator would take on a case like this especially with someone under the age of 18!

Its her or her mother. He hasn't said anything racist yet. He is trying to use any excuse to get your son away from her. I'd be inviting mum to a barbecue.

I bet he thinks she is after his middle class wealth and his home in a leafy area, probably plotting to murder him with her mixed raced family. 🙄
IMO lower income children show resilience, exceptionally thrive for a successful career once they hit university.
Some judgemental people are fucking horrible. your DH

She’s mixed race so you’re assuming she’s lower income?

You’re as racist as he is.

@LittleMarmiteQueen he is absolutely crazy!

Could he have had an affair/ONS 18 years ago and thinks he might be her dad? Would explain his facebook stalking the mum....

I don't see anything in the post that says this girl is low-income, not that it should make a difference if she is.

Oh my, this would be full on telenovela. I hope not, for the son's sake..

There is nothing that says she’s low income. In fact, context clues would indicate she’s in a similar socioeconomic bracket as they are.

However, some commenters on MN simply cannot wrap their heads around the fact that non-white people aren’t automatically poor. It’s quite fascinating.

Wow OP. There’s definitely a lot more to it than your dh is letting on. Personally I don’t think it’s race, I definitely think it’s sexual of some sort - her/mum/onlyfans, whatever .. but no way could I let dh drop it so easily as he seems to have.

There are two alternatives:

One is that he knows something about her, through something like Only Fans or similar.

The other is that he's stark raving mad.

Well he's either got mental health issues, he's racist, or he's a perve in some way. None of which are good options.

OP this must be so weird and unsettling!

Would you be able to access his phone or laptop and see what he's been googling?? Or is it all locked down? Just thinking it might help you see what angle of faux concern he's viewing it from.

I'd be wondering what else he was capable of as he goes further down this weird rabbit hole tbh.

I don't know, I probably watch to many movies, but to me it doesn't scream him being 'just' racist. Why is he stalking her mother. Sounds like he had history with her, maybe an ex. And is he worried he's the girl's dad? Melodramatic, I know. But something ain't adding up.

I find racists not shy expressing their views, he'd just say something like 'oh you know those people, criminals and drugdealers the lot of them, she'll lead our boy down the wrong path' or similar. Especially if the girl isn't poor, he wouldn't manage to wrap his head around the fact 'those people' can and perfectly do earn money using completely normal, legitimate means.

Something's weird, he's incredibly anxious about something. Not just simply 'she's a wrongun', this feels deeper.

I had a few 'bad boy' boyfriends back in a day (same race) and my parents weren't best pleased about it. But they didn't go straight to nuclear and started stalking them and their families..

I'd be invited both the girl and her mum for dinner.

The seems like a possibility to me. He's panicked at the thought of them sleeping together because it could be incest...