Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

Well it does if it’s a last day of school leaver’s party. It didn’t originally need to clash, though, when OP’S DD was invited to go to it.

I’m over this ‘when they go low, we go high’ bollocks. When they go low, we go fuck that.

DD isn’t sending mixed messages or inviting and uninviting and bullying in the playground. She’s scheduling a party so she doesn’t sit alone on the last day of school in the knowledge that everyone is at a party she’s been purposefully excluded from. I’d say it would be a salutary lesson to the other girl on not being a bully and how everyone won’t just roll over for it.

ETA I’ve just seen that the party isn’t even on the same day, so even more reasonable. Though honestly, she should just do the party when she wants to.

Good on you OP I hope your DD has a great party this weekend.. had similar with my youngest DD at this age and it seemed to set the tone for high school.

Don't try and downplay it, you've been very clear on your intentions. You wanted to have a party for the sole purpose of inviting the whole class and excluding that girl, you originally were going to hold it on the same day. You're a terrible role model to have made this into such a huge drama. They are 10 ffs.

But that’s what the other mother has done. Are you seriously suggesting the OP should sit at home and do nothing. When her daughter was excited at. Party and her invite has been withdrawn about a boy. Age ten.

the OP is holding a party to show this mother she is absolutely ridiculous. And given the nature of the OP posts, she seems entirely reasonable and normal.

why would ANY a mother of a ten year old cancel a party invite over a boy.

what are we teaching our children.

Don’t invite her to the party- she sounds like a trouble maker & could go just to cause. Plus, who as an adult would throw a party and invite someone who’s been bullying and excluding them.

Absolutely do it. A leavers pool party will be amazing. That means that otherwise your poor daughter won't get a party at all. No don't invite her.

dds having a party so she can have a party, spend time with her fiends and celebrate the end of the year. And to cheer her up for being excluded and bullied when she has done nothing wrong.
i never said we were inviting the whole class, dd isn’t friends with all the boys.
the girl made the drama by univiting dd and bullying her because a boy fancied her instead, her mum encouraged that drama. There’s no drama on our end, dd is just going to spend time with her proper friends and not engage with people who are mean to her. I didn’t reply to the mums text and have told dd you walk away and tell the teacher which is exactly what she’s done.

I think the original post is mad.

If you want to throw a party then throw a party.. obviously.

But from your OP you are quite clear that the plan is to do a better party for your more popular daughter to leave the other child out in the spirit of revenge. Otherwise why mention the other party at all?

Oh and let your child decide who comes, perhaps she would like to fix things between this other girl and herself and that's okay. Have you even asked her?

I think you’re having a go at the wrong parent but you do seem to be enjoying yourself.

I’m wondering if you often entirely misconstrue what people have said or misunderstand tone.

I actually encouraged her to do it the day before the other party

I'm sorry but on reflection I think the fact that there are only 8 girls and all would be invited except the bully moves the party into tit for tat territory. I don't agree with what the other mum did, but I think this is retaliatory at a similar level.

I had - for some reason - thought there were plenty of girls who wouldn't be invited to your dd's party. Apologies if i misread. Asking everyone bar one or two is always bad form imo. Its frustrating in this circumstance but still, on balance I don't think its the right plan.

Oh please don't waste too much of your time pondering imaginary socially awkward moments of strangers on the internet, it's quite weird and probably unhealthy.

And 10 is a good age to learn that when you act like a nasty bully, there's consequences.

Being a bully back, isn't a good thing to teach your kids 😑

You should really be doing another job, you have no place influencing the minds of young children with sociopathic tendencies

Choosing not to include a bully in your party isn't bullying.

If you victimise and exclude someone else and they turn out not to be such a victim as you thought and arrange their own thing, and if the people around you choose to spend their time with that person instead of you, you are NOT the victim and you have NOT been bullied.

They're both as bad each other, if anything OP is worse. That's kinda my point 🤨

You were expecting everyone to say no because in your gut you know it's the wrong thing to do. You're letting a whole bunch of MNers who as you know have unhealthy relationships, awkward social skills and often not many or any friends influence your decision.

As PP so eloquently put it, it's "tit for tat" 🤷🏼‍♀️

It's not tit for tat. Tit for tat was if OP's daughter planned a party, invited the bully, uninvited her, called her names and mocked her appearance.

Just not inviting her to a gathering is not what has happened to OP's daughter.

I hope your daughter has a brilliant time at her party OP!

Oh, there we go, you read my tone accurately. You’re absolutely right in that case, I should really stop giving people the benefit of the doubt 😊

I think your response to this is perfect OP. Why should your daughter miss out because of the awful behaviour of this girl and her mum, and she definitely should not be inviting a girl that is bullying her to her party. Hopefully the girl will learn what happens when you are mean. And either way your daughter won’t have to feel she’s being excluded and missing out, or having to be be kind to someone that’s being horrible to her, or worse, invite the bullying into her own home.

Yes
having had 2 daughters go through this age I would do it - have the party give your daughter a lovely leaving memory.
be prepared for the mean girl to retract and redact and suddenly want to be dd s friend - and for dd tk want to invite her possibly (it s an absolute minefield at this age navigating these relationships)
you can have a plan with dd for in case this happens.
or it may escalate mean girls s behaviour to further jealousy and meanness.
just consider what the next steps will be in these scenarios.

seperately I would be having many many conversation with dd around self worth , friendships, external validation

it s tough