Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

My god half the posters on here would have you think that not excluding a child will turn OP’s child into a people pleasing door mat with no self esteem or boundaries 😂 it’s all so dramatic.

I fell out with a girl in primary and didn’t want to invite her to my party. My mum said you either have a big party and invite everyone, or you have a small party with a select few, but you don’t get to use your party to punish or exclude another child. That is exactly what this ‘boy crazy’ girl’s mother should have told her daughter, and what OP should be telling her daughter.

This is not a case where the girl is genuinely being bullied. This is two little girls who have fallen out for a week over a boy and unkind words have been said. They’ll be friends again before you know it and you should prepare for a lot more of this as they grow up.

My niece is 13 and her friendship group is constantly evolving. It’s a tumultuous time and it was the same when I was in school. If OP never lets a girl into their home who has been mean to her child, she’ll never have anyone round by the time she reaches 14!

As an aside, it is damned scary how many young girls are seeking validation from boys so early. I think the modern parlance is thirsty but good God, TikToks should be banned.

Struck me too. That's a different world to when I was ten, when boys and girls led largely separate lives.

No I would not. All this #BeKind nonsense is just that. I was always taught to treat "mean girls" as zero, to totally ignore them, they're being horrible, so you don't need their validation or company. My mum was right, you find your tribe and these girls weren't in it.

Might be area dependant? My sons primary school does a disco organised by the school for years 5 and 6 and you pay £1.50 to go. Nobody that i know of has parties organised by an individual parent. We are in a deprived area though. Secondary school catchment is a bit more mixed though and some people host after prom parties but only a few are invited so some people get multiple invitations and some don't get any.

100% do it. Sounds like everyone will have more fun. And your daughter will remember how you had her back for the rest of her life. And the girl and her Mum will definitely learn a lesson. I would however hope that they ask if they can come and then say something along the lines of "of course, I would never be so cruel as to leave someone out, teaching our children manners is super important no matter how young they are"

Sorry what? 10 year olds fighting over boys?

@eqpi4t2hbsnktd at least one of them it seems, and not being discouraged from doing so by their parents!

Do it.

Sorry, just a bit confused.
Mean girls party is on weekend before last day ( Tuesday) or on last day? Whichever the other one is, I suggest you go for the other.

Bollocks to inviting her bully to her party! Where are the boundaries??

All this 'rise above it' and 'be the better person' is just teaching our girls to put up with bad behaviour from others, and to try to teach those others how to behave by demonstrating good behaviour. It doesn't work, because there are no consequences for bad behaviour.

What works is valuing yourself enough to choose who and what you want in your life and excluding those who bully you. If all of us excluded bullies, they'd either only have eachother as friends, or they'd change their ways - and either way, that's the win.

So much anger and aggression. I wonder where the children get it from.

All of the people on here bleating about @freddiewini being mean are the exact same people who have issues being walked over, being excluded from friendship groups, and in general being doormats.

The number of threads where some drippy OP is upset after having been treated poorly for the millionth time is telling. Maybe if their parents had helped them stand up for themselves their self-worth wouldn’t be in the toilet.

You teach your children from young bullies are dealt with and the bully being excluded or upset is the direct consequence of their nasty behaviour.

1967, I had my one and only birthday party.

My two cousins were invited. From our tenement block, the three girls and one boy in the block whom I played with were invited.

To my consternation, the bullying family from the block turned up. Mum didn't have the heart to turn them away: "They were just on the doorstep and they had a quarter pound of Milk Tray with them..."

A good time was genuinely had by all. The bullies were thoroughly reformed.

Just at the point when my adult front teeth were growing through, I had a stone thrown at me by a member of the bullying family. Result: I attended the latter part of primary school and part of high school with an inverted V-shaped gap in my teeth.

At 14, the dentist was able to fill the gap with composite. On the evening of the senior dance, one side fell off. Joy.

At 20 I had them crowned. At 55, I paid more than 4k to have the crowns renewed. By then, the root of one was being absorbed into the jaw. Very rare, I'm told, but it can happen with some crowns, so a titanium implant had to be used.

My point is that you're really not going to reform children who are the product of bad parenting and it's not the OP's job to be kind and to civilise another woman's child. As she has quite rightly said, her concern is looking after her daughter and making sure that she doesn't miss out on the experience of an end-of-term party.

I miss the laugh emoji.

But it's not #bekind nonsense, that's what many posters don't seem to realise. It's about not stooping to someone else's level and giving them the power. This is an important "teachable moment". So OPs daughter either has a fun day with her friend, or she is taught to seek revenge and put all her energy into someone who thinks very little of her. Think how this then plays put for the rest of DDs life. The thread has been enlightening and shows how people can't even fathom a mature or reasoned avenue, and also is a good indicator of the low IQ and EQ of the majority of parents raising the next generation

They're already "the better person" by not being a bully themselves. They don't need to prove it.

Exactly this. Bullies thrive on getting headspace and attention from their victims. Being strong willed and not giving bullies your time or effort is much more powerful in the long run. Not all bullies can be dealt with by a quick punch on the nose, especially when you are older. Standing up to bullies can also be a lot more dangerous than it was in the past.

Teaching your DD to be confident and not resort to trying to 'beat' the bully is more important. A party given as a reaction is not really the basis for having fun

I wouldn't say your response is bullying, but it certainly is looking down on, belittling and insulting people. If you think #bekind isn't nonsense, then why not practice it.

her daughter is being punished

She can have a dip in the pool, be OK

I think for me the tipping point is the DISINVITE. Had she not invited her in the first place, for some reason, different scenario. Rise above it. Blah blah.

However, for an adult to go as far as retracting an invite for a child, over such nonsense. No chance I would be any part of that.

I would be very factual, and very brief, but host her a party, with whoever she wishes and have a blanket accurate response to anyone who questions it.

What on Earth are you talking about?
Are you OK?

Anyway Op have your party your daughter deserve it. And definitely don't invite the bully.

Agree

Have the party. Invite the girl. Show everyone that did is the bigger person

I am baffled by the posts suggesting that OP’s dd should take some kind of high road, and miss out. Hosting her party is not a reaction or an unkind gesture, it is a solution to a problem. Why should she not celebrate leaving her school just because some other child has been incredibly rude and uninvited her? Of course she must celebrate the milestone, and enjoy a party just like the other children. it has nothing at all to do with kindness but just plain common sense.

You must not invite the rude girl op, this would only encourage more poor behaviour. It would teach her that she can behave poorly and still be rewarded with invites.

Inconspicuously or do you mean conspicuously? I don't think it would make OP's point if it was inconspicuous.