Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

OP, do what is best for your DD. If my child had been bullied by another at school, no way would they be invited to a party - why would I want the bullying to continue? I think you’re doing right by your DD to let her have an end of term celebration with her friends - nothing to do with revenge, just a nice end to the school year for her and her mates.

Doing it on the sane day is ridiculous as most parents will honour the commitment to the first party and probably choose a birthday party over a leavers. Definitely do it the day before or immediately after and use the time of the first party to plan her party with your daughter.

the girl and her mother sound appalling.
i am glad you have organised your own party.

Why on earth should dd miss out on having an actual end of year party though?
She doesn’t want a meal out or a shopping trip she wants a party. She was happy to go to somebody else’s but now she can’t so she’s having her own.
I struggle to understand why dd should sacrifice her end of primary school wishes because of a boy-mad little girl’s tantrum. 🤷🏽‍♀️

Having a party on a different day to the mean girl’s party is a good idea. Not the same day! And raise the bullying with the school.

Absolutely do it.

Because it would teach her daughter how not to be a c#$t. It would teach her about resilience, self respect, kindness, and not retribution.

OP that would be a childish and arsehole thing to do. Don't do it. Find something else.

Why should your daughter not get to go to an end of year party? I think organising one for this weekend now your daughter has been uninvited from the other party seems reasonable and she should invite whoever she likes.

Of course have a party; the best party yet, the party that no one will ever forget.
And of course don't invite the bully
By all means have it shortly before, so those attending both compare the bully's party unfavorably to your daughter's. It is quite petty but no doubt satisfying.

But don't hold a competing party on the same day, that is incredibly mean (and may backfire) these are 10/11 year olds, the bully obviously has confidence issues and is immature, hopefully she will grow out of it without being traumatized.

Also the number of grown women on here relishing in the vision of a little girl sitting at home with a lonely cake and no one to play with because they are all at OP's house is a bit sick

Don’t do an overlapping party, you’ll be teaching meanness is the response to meanness. Be the better person.

Haha! Do it!

If there's ever a perfect time to be petty af, it's the final week of primary school. Your DD never has to associate with that girl again. Even if they're at the same secondary school, they'll be just one of dozens if not hundreds.

Two wrongs don't make a right. How is doing it back teaching anyone a lesson. It just descends into pettiness all round. Tit for tat. Isn't it better to talk to the teacher about name calling and bad behaviour. I always think distancing yourself from idiots is the best answer to bad behaviour.

This is the kind of thing I would want to do and my DH would talk me down. It is petty and bitchy, but I totally see why you want to do it.

On account of the fact you have a pool, I suspect you will win the popular vote. I know if definitely want to go to the house with the pool.

No it’s not. It’s teaching her daughter not to be a door mat and to stand up for herself! People will think twice about treating her like rubbish in the future!

It would also teach her that she has to miss out on fun stuff because of boys. Remember in all this the message to her daughter will always be that her friends all got to go to a fun party except for her because a boy fancied her. She’s 10. I don’t see any positive messaging about resilience and self respect and kindness (hate that word!) in there.

Throwing a party which DD gets to decide the guest list on a day that isn’t the other girls party absolutely fine

doing something just her and her best friend afterwards also absolutely fine

anything else is crossing a line which could cause future issues

@zingally i disagree her DD is already in the crosshairs high school can be a lot smaller than you think if someone goes after you. Which is exactly what the OP wants to avoid but handling it well so the association does just evaporate

it is also important not to have your DD look back and feel bad and that she was petty and a bully. DD had a girl in year 2 hand out invites to everyone other than her - coincidentally DD got invited them to our neighbours riding party so she did win but in a way that she could live with. Because 9 years later the girl dropped out of school because of her issues and her brother is in the same year at high school as DS and they still interact and can do so fine. DD now feels sorry for her and understands what happened and feels fine in her decision making

i would absolutely let the other parents know why my daughter had been disinvited. Up to them whether they want their children to an attend the other girl’s party. I know i would have second thoughts about it if I found that had happened

Don't understand some of the comments. Leaving primary school to go to high school is a big deal. The DD thought she was going to a leavers party with her friends which now she isn't, so she's having her own celebration on a different day and not inviting someone who has been mean to her. That's not sinking to their level.

I'm surprised the Mum has allowed this. If it was my daughter I'd tell her to get a grip and stop being so mean! Imagine excluding a friend because you were jealous.

Anyway @freddiewini, I hope your DD has a fabulous party! And I agree with you that she shouldn't be learning that even if people bully you, you have to be nice to them. Terrible lesson to teach your daughters. They'll end up putting up with crap from people their whole lives.

It's never dads telling their sons to rise above things, surpress their feelings, put other people before themselves. It is always mums encouraging their daughters to behave like this.

How can you think that this is good parenting? Forcing your child to feel unsupported, teaching them that their feelings don't matter and that they just have to put up with bullying and abuse? YOU are teaching your child this when you push this #bekind #riseaboveit bullshit on them. YOU are responsible if they grow up with low self esteem, unable to put up healthy boundaries, making themselves miserable because they've been taught to be such weak people pleasers. YOU are to blame if they go on to live their lives surrounded by unhealthy and abusive relationships. Protect your child, protect their feelings. Be a fucking parent. It's not hard

What would the something else be? Why should the DD look back on leaving primary school being the only person not celebrating it with a party, just because of a jealous bully?

Terrible some of you would quite happily see the OPs DD missing out, and she would be a c* to actually celebrate?! A 10 year old ffs. She deserves a party like everyone else and it's nasty that supposed grown ups are on the side of the bully.

Hope today goes well, how was school drop off. Has she handed out invites?

Everyone went to the beach on my kids last day, no invites just turn up if you want. Leaving parties as a thing must be fairly new are they? (my youngest left primary 2016).

If my son had said he was rescinding an invite for no other reason than they fancied the same girl (at ten!) I’d tell him to wobble his head or there’d be no party at all. Very poor parenting on the other mum, it’s no wonder her daughter doesn’t know how to behave.

OP and dd have got new (non-toxic) plans.

It is so scary how these things are cropping up earlier and earlier, my eldest son had a really good friend that was a girl, got on great and was a lovely friendship.
On entry to high school they were teased unmercifully about fancying each other etc to the point the girl said she couldn’t hang out with him anymore because she couldn’t cope with the response of their peers.
If the girl is going to the same school in September as your Dd I would invite her to the party you are having, because it would be better to start the next school year with a bit of a clean slate.
I would explain to your DD that the girl is obviously being mean because she’s jealous of her etc and on issuing the invitation to the other girl I would drop a message to her mum as you have her number and say you’re happy for her DD to attend but she will need to stay and supervise her daughter due to her recent behaviour that you have flagged to the school (make sure you are making the school aware of what’s going on)
That way you are showing your daughter that having good boundaries in place is important, you’re not being spiteful in retaliation and highlighting the girls unacceptable behaviour again to her Mum. Chances are they won’t come, but you’ve still extended the olive branch.
If they aren’t going to the same school after the summer then you can just not invite her and that can be the consequence for her because she’s been vile, but I would be wary of taking a hard stance if they feature in each other as lives going forward.

No, don’t stoop to her level. By all means throw a party but don’t exclude just that one girl, thereby giving credence to the other girl’s behaviour by doing the exact same thing. Set a good example to your daughter, do as you would be done by and be the better person.