Dd(10) uninvited from party

[freddiewini]

Dd (10) was invited to a girl in her classes leavers party after their last day. She’s not best friends with this girl, just friends but she was excited. All the girls invited( only 8 in total ) some of the boys.

She has now been uninvited because the boy the girl fancies told his friends he fancies dd. Dd doesn’t even like this boy or care about boys in general (thank god) But the girl doesn’t want dd at her party because he will be there. Dd has since been called names and been made fun of by this girl at school.

Her mums answer when I queried was just sorry but you know what girls that age are like when it comes to boys.

I would be unreasonable to let dd have her own party here wouldnt I? Dds best friends mum is encouraging me to. We have more room and a swimming pool and I know dd is generally more liked, girl has history of being mean and upsetting people.
What if we have it this weekend, (they breakup Tuesday after) inviting the other girls but obviously not the one who’s been mean to her? I

Wow...such wit.
Such a way with words. I'm so in awe you've completely changed my mind.

Are you prepared for the invitees not turning up and choosing the other party? The kids might want to but as you’ve noticed, it’s the parents that have the power…

do yours earlier and invite the girl

doing later after school is done is a sure way of not having people come as once school is out, association with school is done (if it were me)

Can't believe you are a teacher encouraging this behaviour.
Surely working in a school you see these fall outs all the time. It's always the girls who have these issues.

Questions for @freddiewini Why didn't the school organise a leavers event? Is it because this year group are known as being challenging? Or based on this thread, the parents are challenging?
Schools near me generally support organising a party to make sure all children are included (as going back to the OP not all children have been). Staff don't attend but they facilitate the communication between parents and not all will know each other.
Though from a friend I know it does still become bitchy as even though the party is for everyone you still get groups trying to out do each other with hiring a limo but only for certain children.

Also you mention DD being bullied by this other girl. What has been done about that? Like everything there is usually two sides to every story. You say your DD is more popular, you mention you have a pool so could do a pool party, so does she also lord it over the others that she is better than them? There is clearly more than just one fight over a boy going on here.

In general I am sure it's the parents who get overly involved and wind up situations that are likely to blow over if children were left to sort it out themselves.
For all we know mean girl might not have said anything about DD not going, it could all be the mum.

Also what happens later OP? If mean girl is a proper mean girl aren't you putting a target on your DDs back? What if mean girl is popular girl in another school year? Perhaps think about some of the unintended consequences. By all means have a party and don't invite her, but you can approach it in different ways, some will make you come across much worse then others. Personally I'd say this "gossip" will spread like wildfire, and I'd be encouraging my DD to avoid both girls

@Isitreallysohard They are all going off to secondary school - they will likely form new friendship groups anyway. You can't live your life worrying about not including nasty kids in case they bully you. The fact is that if OP throws another leaver's party on a different day (which she is planning), then her dd gets to celebrate end of primary with her friends. It isn't stopping the other girl from having her party too.

Well exactly that's why I don't get the point of throwing a party and inviting everyone except 'mean' girl. But all I'm saying is it could also have repercussions

Yes, and the repercussions for mean girl is that she doesn’t get invited to nice girl’s party? I also think there are repercussions to being a doormat as well. Speaking from experience.

As a pp said, no adult woman would be encouraged or guilted into inviting someone who's treated her badly, to a party. So why should a child have to?

You've missed my point, I was talking about unintended consequences, but nevermind 🫠

Hmm... I'm all for kindness but actually in this scenario I think I'd do what you suggest, even if your DD only gets a couple of friends coming over.

It would be easy for others to justify boycotting mean girl's party by saying that she's been really horrible and they are staying away out of solidarity for your DD.

If the mother complains you just say 'You forced my hand - I didn't want to.'

Teacher encouraging op to sabotage the other party?

This thread is pretty depressing .....

Yeah definitely - I've seen it at 7.

Would you invite someone to your house for a party who had been mean to you? spent all week calling you ugly and making fun of your curly hair and gapped teeth?
No. So why should my 10 year old? It’s not being a mean girl to just want to spend your free time with being who are kind to you and make you feel good about yourself.

Anyway dd would invite her if I told her to, because she’s 10 and not a mean girl and knows I’m in charge. I’m not going to tell her to because I’m not teaching her that it’s okay to act how this girl has acted and for her to be upset.

Yep.

It would be one thing if OP’s daughter was already due to have a party (etc upcoming birthday), and OP and DD decided not to invite this other girl. That would be quite understandable/reasonable.

Ditto, to want to do something nice for OP’s daughter to cheer her up after being disinvited and missing out.

But to organise a party the main/only purpose of which is to exclude a 10 year old, and to rub her (and her mother’s) face in it?!

Yep that’s stooping to the same shitty, petty, relational bullying level of the other mum and daughter.

Sloe hand clap for anyone that thinks that’s the solution here.

10 year olds? Boys? A swimming pool?

Oh dear, find something else to worry about.

Skip the tit for tat party. Cancel the Dominoes and drinks.

Choose a favourite charity and make a contribution.

And what happiness does her daughter get from that?

I think you have the party OP.

Your daughter was excited to go to a leavers party and now she's the only girl not going, and she had initially been invited so had been excited for it- she deserves a party!

It's fine to suggest to your daughter that if someone is mean to her she does NOT have to be friends with the nasty person

I think its another level to deliberately engineer a party at the same time as nasty girls party to take away from nasty girls party vibe. That's stooping very low. As low as nasty girl imo. And its teaching your daughter to be nasty

Have a party. Another time. Dont invite nasty girl because she's no longer a friend.

You can look at it that way.

I see it as, DD got her hopes up about a cool party. That was cruelly taken away and so the OP has stepped up to return her daughters happiness.

The timing of the party is important. It's an end of primary party.
The fact she can cater to more isn't her problem.
She doesn't have to limit the guest list for any reason.

Yes! Go ahead. If the mum says anything just repeat "you know what girls that age are like"..

I'd do the pool party, make it fabulous, but also invite the other girl. It will make the child & mother think about their behaviour but you also get to take the high ground.

Oh, don't listen to the the holier than comments. This is not about excluding someone- it's about making up to your DD being excluded. Go ahead with your party!

WTF is wrong with people expecting OP to invite a child who has bullied her daughter? It's no wonder there are so many posts on here of people complaining about being treated like absolute door mats. Absolutely ridiculous.