To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

I don't take someone not wanting a pregnancy as tricking someone. Unless they're literally lying to the person's face that they want TTC while not wanting to.

But that's the whole point of the thread. The OP's brother is telling her they're trying for a child and he's so excited. The OP's SIL is saying she is using contraception but "ssh don't tell him". The OP is worried that the SIL is lying about TTC.

Did you misunderstand the original post?

I couldn't let my brother live in vain hope, perhaps thinking that he was infertile and maybe lose the chance to be a father. I'd tell his partner that and say that if she didn't tell him the truth, I'd feel obliged to say something. It's hard to understand why she thought it was ok to tell you. Does she have siblings? Can she understand the implications of what she's doing? It's a huge deception.

Is this a reverse?

My loyalty to my brother would easily outweigh the feelings I might have towards someone who might literally become an ex-member of the family and a basic stranger to me - absolutely. Not to mention, she's clearly in the wrong.

I would say to her, you tell him or I will - I won't let you deceive my brother. And accept the fall out as being less bad than this woman depriving your brother not only of potential children, but of a marriage in which he is treated with decency, honesty and respect.

If she doesn't want DC then she should tell him. I'd be telling her I'm not prepared to lie to my brother or see her lying to him so she tells him it you do.

He should know... Your poor brother 😞

I completely agree with you.

That’s not why she said she doesn’t want to get involved. She said that the SIL can try to make drama so clearly she dislikes and mistrusts the SIL and tries to stay away.

I'd want to know why she's pretending to TTC. It seems an odd thing to do frankly.

But I wouldn't leap to telling the brother. I guess I feel it's more of a commitment to a woman to go through that decision and I'd rather she didn't have a pregnancy she doesn't want. But I get what you and others say about dishonesty. It's not acceptable for either side really.

Your brother may be sitting there month after month, hoping it's all going to happen this time. And then he gets the crushing disappointment. Your DSL is very cruel to put him through that.
Whether or not to have a family is a decision which husband and wife should make together.
Having a.child is one of the big deals in a marriage. If she's not willing to agree to it then your brother should walk away and find someone else who shares the longing to be a family rather than a couple.
I really think you have to tell him and spare him potentially years.of pain and disappointment. Give her a chance to come clean but if she won't you have to intervene.
.

DiscoBob, wondering you’re a man or a woman?

Then you agree the sil is tricking her husband

She is lying to his face

You didn’t you said

If she doesn't want a pregnancy and then went on to say

and her husband is too much of an abusive cunt*

I can think of loads of reasons why sil hasn’t told her dh she doesn’t want chilfren

As op has said her brother loves his wife and the sil probably has a lovely life with her husband and she knows that if she told him she didn’t want children then his longing to be a father and her betrayal would bring this marriage to an end and that is something I don’t think she can countenance. I wouldn’t be surprised if SIL wasn’t trying to find husband No 2 whilst she has the safety net of her perfect husband

Of course it is her body, her choice. But deception that takes agency away from another person doesn't fall into it. She can tell the truth and continue to take contraception. OP should tell her brother so that he can make his own choices as well.

OP there would be no dilemma here for me. My loyalty would be to my brother over his wife, and I would certainly not feel obligated to keep a secret that is not in HIS best interests.

I would offer the info I have to my brother, as respectfully and sensitively as possible. Then it's over to him, and I would support in any way I can.

I swear, some women on this site would defend Myra Hindley and Rose West.
Her behaviour is abhorrent and if you love your brother you should have already told him what she said, for goodness sake.

Murdering children isn't the same as keeping female reproductive choices and medication confidential.

HTH.

I do not know why would she said this to you. Knowing that you may go and tell your brother? Very bizarre.

So clearly double standards. If a man lies about his contraception you say it's definitely not ok. If a woman lies about her contraception you say she must have her reasons, we shouldn't get involved etc.

You also wrote "I'd rather she didn't have a pregnancy she didn't want". No one is saying otherwise.

The choice here is not between an unwanted pregnancy or secretly using contraception. The choice is between being honest about using contraception or lying about it.

If one half of a married couple (man or woman!) doesn't want children, they should say so. If one person does want children, they should say so. Then the other can make an informed choice to stay or divorce.

So I'll go back to my original post that you disagreed with. I say it's immoral to lie about your contraception, causing worry and emotional suffering to your partner. You think it's probably ok so long as it's a woman doing the lying.

'murdering children' is ridiculously emotive and dramatic language and isn't helpful at all. I don't even know if you're talking about abortion or contraception (neither of which is 'murdering children' but the issue is the deception anyway.

She has a right to decide but not to deceive. She should be honest about it.

If this were the case why would she casually give the game away with a giggle to her sister in law?? Makes no sense.
I know the evil woman casually lying to her husband about contraception is the quintessential patriarchal fantasy and all..

I’m another who thinks there is likely to be more to this story, whether it’s embarrassment about fertility or a stupid off hand comment- maybe it’s something she did once because she was tired of the disappointment, could be anything.
OP I’d tread extremely lightly before you run roughshod into your brothers marriage. Maybe start with a conversation with your sister in law.

Maybe your SIL was joking! Perhaps it is her way of coping that she is not getting pregnant.
I find it really really creepy that your brother would discuss him and his wife starting a family with you.