To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

His wife needs to tell him I would be telling her that!

What would you do if she doesn't?

It’s his body and his choice too. He’s choosing to have sex with her on the basis they’re trying to conceive a child. It would be exactly the same if the other way round & he’d had the snip for example & not told her.

I don't think the OP has enough clarity on the situation to tell her brother anything at the moment. It might have been an odd off-hand fabrication by SIL (who the OP thinks is fond of creating drama) at a difficult time. SIL may have completely forgotten about it.

The OP is very sensibly reluctant to interfere in her brother's marriage because she does not know the ins and outs of their relationship. She doesn't know the present status quo. She'll look a right fool and cruel to boot if she makes a big "smoking gun" announcement to her brother and actually it turns out that SIL is not on contraception and is in reality struggling to conceive and may have suffered losses, but doesn't want everyone around her to be aware of her private business.

If it’s acrimonious she may look for something to deflect the heat from herself. I’ve seen it happen before. Why on earth would you tell your husbands’ sister something like this. There has to be a reason.

@MyameVyce

It's no different than if your DB didn't want children and your SiL had giggled and confided she'd flushed her contraception down the loo. You'd tell him that, wouldn't you? I sure as hell would.

I would be telling my brother he needs to talk to his wife. I expect it’s one of those situations that his wife went into thinking she could get away with for a bit and then it carried on. He isn’t going to be happy I expect. The bigger question is why did she do it.

Only read the first page but everyone saying she should tell her brother bought another thread to mind where the lady she was from Pakistani heritage & was being abused physically & emotionally she was going to try & see her doctor to prevent pregnancy, so I would be very hesitant in offering advise to OP imagine if the OP told then the husband hurts his wife, this is only one side of the story.

I wouldn’t say anything.She has made the decision for a reason.

OP you have to tell your brother or give her the ultimatum to tell him herself. Family always come first. Not only that but the relationship is based on lies. Your poor brother imagine the psychological impact if wanting a child, choosing to have and want a family then thinking maybe is there something wrong with me? Why isn't it working? Am I the problem? Its disgusting the fact she giggled and laughed too. If your brother finds out u kept this from him it would ruin ur relationship what a vile person he is with of she doesn't want kids just say it or if she's not ready just tell him and have the conversation. I'm disgusted by this girl but please don't keep ur brother in the dark

I’d appeal to her better nature and say how upset my brother/her husband seems. I wouldn’t accuse her, I’d put it delicately even if I felt angry about it so it didn’t sour our relationship.

I mean in your position I’d have told my db within 30seconds of hearing it. I wouldn’t otherthink.

His life, his choice. He wants kids, she doesn't. That's fine if they're both honest. They can find a compromise or break up. What is never ok is lying to your partner, pretending to want kids while actually doing everything you can to prevent having them. Anyone who does this is a deeply immoral person.

If his wife is really on contraception without your brother knowing then that’s pretty abhorrent. I would tell him, tbh. Your loyalty is to him.

What an utterly ridiculous comment
She is not being honest with her husband

I said 'If...he was an abusive cunt'. Not that he definitely was one. I've never met him.

It's not OP's place to get involved in other women's contraception choices.

The SIL can use whatever contraception she wants. What's not ok is lying about it to her husband.

I can only imagine the emotional pain the brother is going through. Really wanting a child, hoping each month that this will be the one, the crushing disappointment when it comes to nothing, the worry that there's something wrong with him.

It's immoral to lie and put someone through that. Do you think it would be ok if the brother had a secret vasectomy and yet pretended to his wife that he really wanted a child?

Say nothing, you could put her in danger. What if there is some reason why she is holding off breeding with this man? May be she is working out a way to extract herself from the situation.

You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Some people are good at masking.

In answer to the last part no. Of course it's not.

I guess I'm running with the assumption that the woman doesn't feel able to tell her husband she doesn't want a child. Why? Then I'd go to the feeling he could be coercive or bullying. As normally you'd hope she'd just be able to say no, I'm not wanting a kid.
I could of course be wrong.

It’s certainly her body, her choice. However, she does need to communicate that choice with her partner who believes they’re actively trying for a family. If she doesn’t want kids, he may want to move on to someone who shares his values like having a family for instance.

What wonderful double standards you have.

There is nothing in OPs story that hints at the brother being abusive. If nothing else, why would the SIL be giggling and telling people if she was terrified of her husband finding out?

In any case, the OP can first talk to SIL and warn her that she'll be telling the brother. That way the SIL has a chance to share her side of the story.

But helping a woman to lie and steal years, potentially a lifetime, of being a father from this man is horrific. I truly don't understand why you and other posters think it is ok to do this to anyone, man or woman.

Give me an example of my 'double standards' please? I said I made an assumption and it could be wrong.

Honestly that's so cruel on her part. PP says her body etc but to be deceitful is pretty low.
I just don't understand woman who think its okay to lie about contraception either way.

The double standard:

I say it's not ok for a wife to trick her husband. You say we shouldn't "get involved in other women's contraception choices."

I ask is it ok for a man to trick his wife. You say "of course not".