To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

You're coming from the mindset that talking about TTC is cringe and it should be secret/hidden.

If the brother and SIL wanted it it to be confidential, then I agree that it's bad form for OP to share with a friend.

However, if they don't mind who knows, then it's fine for OP to share. I have a friend who has told a lot of people about her struggles with IVF, for example, and doesn't mind at all if people discuss it. I myself shared with family that I was TTC and wouldn't have minded if they talked to others.

So very much depends on the people involved.

Totally agree its her body and her choice, but its not the point, she's lied to her husband!

I’d have gone straight to my best friend as well. The OP has been unfairly put in a massive moral dilemma- she absolutely should seek out an independent party to help her work out what to do. There is a massive mental stress involved keeping secrets.

I’m close to my brother- i absolutely would tell him no question. If the roles were reversed I would be devastated to find out he knew something that it was life changingly important that I know.

Yeah right.

She could just have started an anonymous thread on here. I wonder who the friend will tell? After all, as you say yourself "There is a massive mental stress involved keeping secrets"

And the friend now knows something that it was life changingly important that I know.

I would speak to her first, tell her its unfair of her to put that on you..... and that she needs to tell him. That you will give her that opportunity, but give a time frame.
I would not want to be told a secretive that.
I think this betrayal is as bad as saying you are on contraception when your not...... because although yes its the woman's body. They are married and she is taking a choice away from him in an untruthful way.
A hard conversation needs to be had, whether its she doesnt want chikdren right now, or she never wants children. But she needs to let your brother make an informed choice

He deserves to know she doesn’t want children. She is being very selfish

I would be VERY careful about saying anything - it might lead to them splitting.
In your shoes I would be gently suggesting to my brother that he talk to his wife as I was under the impression that she wasn't as interested as him in having children...
If that fails, I would talk to the SIL and point out that its a massive betrayal on her part that, if found out, could cause serious problems; she needs to be honest about her thoughts on children to save her marriage

If they never have a child and he finds out 10-15 years from now you knew she was sabotaging the process, you will lose your brother.

I speak to my best friends about most stuff going on in my life. I wouldn’t create a forum thread for it. What are best friends for if not to offload problems you are carrying. I would trust my friend to not tell anyone else. Doesn’t everyone do this? I wouldn’t expect my friend to be burdened by the secret as it isn’t her brother.

Well we shall have to disagree about that. If you were my sister I would not be happy about you discussing something like this about me with a friend.

It's not "stuff going in the OP's life" - it's her brother's life.

This isn't really to do with her body, though, it's to do with her morals.
OP's brother has every right to know that his wife is actively avoiding TTC.

Hi op,

I would say that you have been told « this » from « that person ».

that will teach them both 👌

Expect he’ll from both though. Don’t get more involved. Do say that if you are now aware…who knows when your brother will?or if he is already? Also mention that same as her, you will have to say to your brother the tales being told and from who as it isn’t nice and he should know!

take popcorn. Watch the truth unfold. Don’t assume she lies. Or that he doesn’t know. Or whatever other crazy stuff!

Ridiculous statement giving the context

She is robbing him of his chance to have kids. You absolutely must tell him.

Have a talk with your brother and suggest he investigates the idea of fertility checks by talking about it with his wife- if she told you, she will probably admit it to him.

People can’t just tell others secrets like this in the manner she’s done it and expect anything. Especially when she’s the sister and the OP is not even close to her SIL. And like others have said there’s a burden put on you with secrets like this.

Nah, that doesn't fly here. Her body, her choice, fine. But what is not fine is to lie to your partner about trying for children and actively prevent it without their knowledge. You have choice over your own body, not someone else's life choices through deception.

OP I would give her the chance to tell him first, but would definitely tell if she doesn't. Just be prepared for some fall out to come your way - what a horrible position to be in.

She's allowed to not want kids. She's not allowed to waste his life by deceiving him, for fuck's sake.

I wouldn't hesitate to tell him. This is grounds for divorce. It's every bit as bad as if he'd had a vasectomy and was lying to her about trying to get her pregnant. It's monstrous. Also the giggling? WTF?

As for the people saying speak to her... no, don't forewarn I liar. It just gives them time to prepare a better lie.

Your SIL didn’t ask you if she could burden you with a horrible secret. Had she asked, you could have said no thank you, talk to your husband not to me as I don’t wish to get involved.

There was no obvious reason why she did off load to you. The way you describe it, it was almost random. She dumped the fact that she was deceiving your brother on you out of nowhere in a giggly way and then said shush don’t tell in a light and breezy way that demonstrated complete indifference to your own feelings or those of your brother.
And she hasn’t come back to you to explain herself nor to remind you to please keep it a secret.

If you didn’t promise not to tell, you are under no obligation to keep that very worrying information to yourself. If they don’t have children, it will play on your mind for ever. He could be feeling sad for her month after month while she is delighted and thinks nothing of her cruelty to him.

I would tell him you have something you feel is only right he should know as it may be affecting his future and it may be something really upsetting or it may be nothing at all. So could he please think about whether or not, he wants to hear it. I’m sure he will then ask you questions so that you can reveal exactly what was said and the cavalier way in which it was said.

I wouldn’t keep this to yourself OP. It’s far too burdensome. You have no alternative but to allow him the chance to sort out how important it is to him.

Many posters are very sure here, on the back of one weird, off-hand comment to the OP from her SIL that doesn't seem to have been repeated, that the SIL has been maliciously and callously conspiring to prevent the OP's brother from becoming a father over a period of years.

Maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't go flinging any wild accusations around without doing a bit of digging first because I'd be afraid of ending up with egg on my face (and a ruined relationship with SIL and Dbro).

What if SIL turns round and says "Yeah I made a silly comment when I was under a lot of pressure but I didn't think you'd take it seriously and I told you not to say anything anyway. How dare you interfere with our marriage when it's hard enough that we've been trying for years with no success and I've got enough to deal with? Do you have no sensitivity at all?" Which she could very well do. Where would that leave things?

What if SIL turns round and says "Yeah I made a silly comment when I was under a lot of pressure but I didn't think you'd take it seriously and I told you not to say anything anyway. How dare you interfere with our marriage when it's hard enough that we've been trying for years with no success and I've got enough to deal with? Do you have no sensitivity at all?" Which she could very well do. Where would that leave things

Personally the SIL would sound unhinged to me. I don’t think the OP should add anything, like presuming this has gone on for years etc. Just repeat what was said to her.

why would that not be a good option? Them splitting up I mean?

Agree.
Pretty sure this level of deception is such that even in the Catholic Church, not exactly known for a casual attitude towards separation, this would be grounds for an annulment.

Why would anyone pretend to be taking birth control if they weren’t? That’s not a “silly comment”, and under the circumstances of them trying to conceive it would be a bizarre thing to say just for a laugh.