To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

Where does it say the husband is an abusive cunt

What a weird, ignorant and completely irrelevant comment.
His life, his choice whether he wants to be with someone who deceives him in such a cruel way. Yes her body her choice regarding having a child, but she could have told him at the outset she didn't want a child, lying to him about something so important to him is nothing to do with her body, and totally about his choice to make his life with someone who wants a child a much as he does.

About the suggestions that my db is abusive … 100% not the case. He is a gentle person. Always has been. I’ve known him my whole life and he is a straightforward kind of man. If SIL really is doing what she said it’s probably that she has changed her mind about kids but wants to keep the relationship or wants to end it for whatever reason and doesn’t have the guts to pull the plug. Db would never leave her because they couldn’t conceive (he’s not a monster!) but he might leave if he knew she didn’t want baby

You’re making such a massive leap it’s untrue!

Sometimes women are wrong, like this. The OP has the right to not keep such a massive secret from her DB.

I agree.

I would wonder why she feels the need to do this. Is he coercing her to have a baby she doesn't want?

How is he supposed to decide if it’s a ‘deal breaker’ if he doesn’t know he’s being deceived ? If SiL doesn’t want, or is not ready to have kids, then she should tell him. Not deceive the poor sod so that he’s thinking they’re trying to conceive when there’s absolutely no chance. The fact that she’s covered her tracks by saying she doesn’t want investigations and will be OK if it doesn’t happen ‘naturally’ is just disgusting.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

What utter bullshit.

If this woman was terrified of her DH getting wind of her deception because he was abusive, I seriously doubt she’d tell his sister, of all people. Far less do it in the manner she did- giggling and whispering etc. The lengths some women will go to excuse other women of any wrongdoing or having any accountability astounds me. It also undermines women who are actually victims.

No-one is saying women do not have a right to bodily autonomy and to decide whether to have children or not, regardless of their husband/partners wishes. He does not have a “right” to impregnate her. Nobody had suggested otherwise. Which I think you know.

In this situation, OP’s SIL has every right to decide she does not want to have a baby and to take steps to prevent that, without consulting her DH. She does not need his permission to use contraception. I would not argue otherwise.

Where she is utterly and completely wrong is the lying- she should tell her husband she does not want a child- whether that is a “not right now” or “not ever”, she still owes him the truth. Pretending they are TTC, knowing he really wants children, whilst also actively preventing it is cruel and a complete betrayal of trust. It is a horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love. For many, the lies alone would relationship ending. Not having a family may be a dealbreaker for him. He deserves to know the truth so he can decide how he wants to proceed. She does not owe him a child, he does not owe her a relationship. Especially one based on lies and deceptions.

So no, this is not a debate about bodily autonomy or women’s reproductive rights, this is about dishonesty and deception within a marriage.

Why would a woman pretend to her husband that she is trying to become pregnant when actually she is taking steps to prevent pregnancy?

That's the question that needs to be answered before the OP tells her brother. Because I can think of a few reasons which are quite worrying.

I would tell him about the conversation without a second thought tbh.

Ah yes, always the blokes’ fault. Even when she’s giggling about it and saying sshh, don’t tell. It’s deceit. He’s expecting to conceive. She knows it won’t happen. If she doesn’t want a baby she should tell him and let him decide whether he wants to stay in the relationship.

This.

What happens if he doesn’t find out for 20 or 30 years from now that his wife was lying to him and his family knew.

If as far as he is concerned his wife is fully on board with having children how does this make him abusive.

He doesn’t just want to “have his sperm fertilise an ova” He wants to raise a child with the woman who had said she wants this too.

The only abusive person in this relationship is the lying wife.

Of course her rights over her own reproductive decisions trump his desire to have a child. That doesn’t make it reasonable to lie to him. What’s she hoping is going to happen here - surely pretty soon he’s going to suggest seeing a dr.

And if she’s giggling with his sister about it, she doesn’t sound scared of him.

Your loyalty lies with him, not her.

Why would she giggle when she told her SIL that she’s deceiving him?

Because she’s a coercive bitch?

You do know that women are not always 100% honest and right?

My loyalty would be to my brother.

If she doesn’t want a child she needs to speak to her husband

If it was an abusive relationship the last thing SiL would do is tell his own sister. And certainly not in a nod and a wink ‘sshhh don’t tell’ kind of way.

Why? Because she’s a lying manipulative bitch, that’s why! For whatever reason she’s decided she wants to stay in the marriage, for now at least, and is stringing him along with the promise of a future he wants and she apparently doesn’t. Men do it to women all the time. Promises of marriage or babies in a few years time, and then keep moving to goal posts. Why does her lack of penis automatically make her an abuse victim?

This was my first thought too. SiL has passed on the information hoping OP will spill the beans and then any fall out can be deflected back on to her.

Yes-a similar case was where a man had a vasectomy and didn't tell his wife. She was so angry she wasted the best years of her life on him. Obviously anyone, man or woman, should have the right to choose whether they want a child/to use contraception as it's their body, but their partner has the right to be on the same page. No one should pressure you to have a child, but if you don't want one, your partner has the right to know. Apart from anything else, it can be very worrying/upsetting to think you're infertile, and it can be a sign of other health issues, so if me/my partner weren't getting pregnant when (as far I knew) we were trying, I would be definite we should get tested, and if my partner effectively lied to me, I'd really resent them, BIL has the right to know if she doesn't want kids and to make the decision about whether he wants to be with someone who shares his dreams. If they end up splitting up when he finds out what she's done, well, would you want someone who lies about something like this-and then has the nerve to tell his sister, and put her in this kind of situation-with your brother? OP, brother might resent you for letting him waste more time with someone like this, instead of finding a truthful, caring woman who shares his plans. If SIL was caring/kind, would she have done this?

So why is the OP discussing such private matters with her best friend?

Until it all comes out and SiL tells OP’s brother that OP knew what was happening.

People don't always behave in the way you'd expect them to behave. And cries for help can take many forms.

I'm not saying the OP should never tell her brother, but in this situation my first step would be to try to have an honest conversation with my SIL first to understand a bit more about what is going on. I wouldn't rush to tell on her. Also, it is clear from the OP's posts that the family have a certain perception of SIL - "drama queen" etc - and if I were the OP, I'd question a bit more critically what is behind that perception. It's not uncommon for victims of controlling or abusive behaviour to come across badly.

It might be that the right course of action is for the OP to tell her brother, but if I were her I'd assess the situation and speak to SIL first. Yes, many men "future-fake" and I suppose women might to (although the more usual accusation against women is that they "trap" men through pregnancy), but this is an unusual situation.

I would never forgive my husband if he'd let me think we were struggling with infertility for two years, but secretly was actively preventing pregnancy.

I'd also never forgive my sibling if they'd known but hadn't told me.

Some women are just awful.

Some love drama, love to pretend their lives are like a soap opera...

Some love to play games, gain control.

There are some genuinely horrible women around believe it or not.

SOMETIMES, just sometimes, the guy isn't the villain.