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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

306 replies

MyameVyce · 13/07/2025 18:41

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

OP posts:
Jochef · 13/07/2025 20:27

MyameVyce · 13/07/2025 18:41

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

Keep out of it.
You will be painted as a mixer and the bad guy when your brother finds out. She will deny it.

Sounds like a shit marriage, I would stay well clear.

RelishingGrpSupport · 13/07/2025 20:27

Might be have doubts anyway?

happyinherts · 13/07/2025 20:27

Rosscameasdoody · 13/07/2025 20:24

Until it all comes out and SiL tells OP’s brother that OP knew what was happening.

Why is she likely to do that?

Notfinanciallyresponsibleforyou · 13/07/2025 20:29

You tell your brother. He may or may not end the marriage. They may or may not have children. Your relationship with your SiL is over.

Catdoorman · 13/07/2025 20:29

tripleginandtonic · 13/07/2025 19:01

Her body, her choice. Keep your knowledge to yourself OP.

It's her body, her choice. Agreed, but why tell her sil and not her husband, the man she married, who she knows wants children?

Flashahah · 13/07/2025 20:30

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:26

People don't always behave in the way you'd expect them to behave. And cries for help can take many forms.

I'm not saying the OP should never tell her brother, but in this situation my first step would be to try to have an honest conversation with my SIL first to understand a bit more about what is going on. I wouldn't rush to tell on her. Also, it is clear from the OP's posts that the family have a certain perception of SIL - "drama queen" etc - and if I were the OP, I'd question a bit more critically what is behind that perception. It's not uncommon for victims of controlling or abusive behaviour to come across badly.

It might be that the right course of action is for the OP to tell her brother, but if I were her I'd assess the situation and speak to SIL first. Yes, many men "future-fake" and I suppose women might to (although the more usual accusation against women is that they "trap" men through pregnancy), but this is an unusual situation.

You are never going to believe the SIL is wrong because she didn’t have a dick!! It’s pointless arguing with you, she’s right by definition of being female.

Luckily you are in the vast minority and hopefully OP tells her DB sooner rather than later, so he can make an informed decision about the rest of his life.

No point in wasting anymore time.

gotmyknickersinatwist · 13/07/2025 20:31

Telling your brother could blow up their marriage.
Would it not be better to have another conversation with your SIL first?
Tell her you think she should be honest with her husband, that he seemed so excited and now he seems so deflated. Tell her she needs to put him out of his misery, she's being really unfair.
Tell her, not that you're giving her an ultimatum but, that you can't stand seeing your brother like this, hanging on to hope, and you don't want the burden of this secret and you feel the need to have an honest conversation with him.

gamerchick · 13/07/2025 20:31

I'm torn tbh. It's not your business and we can't really know what goes on in a marriage behind closed doors but equally he's missing out on finding someone who wants kids. It's not exactly the same as wasting a woman's fertile years but it's still a lie.

I think I'd tell her that if she doesn't have an honest conversation with brother then you'll have to tell him.

HereAreYourOptions · 13/07/2025 20:32

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:10

Why would a woman pretend to her husband that she is trying to become pregnant when actually she is taking steps to prevent pregnancy?

That's the question that needs to be answered before the OP tells her brother. Because I can think of a few reasons which are quite worrying.

Maybe she doesn’t actually want children and doesn’t want him to know as he might decide that’s worth ending the relationship over.

Or is that just too straightforward?

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:33

HereAreYourOptions · 13/07/2025 20:32

Maybe she doesn’t actually want children and doesn’t want him to know as he might decide that’s worth ending the relationship over.

Or is that just too straightforward?

Maybe that's the case. The OP should ask her.

HereAreYourOptions · 13/07/2025 20:34

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:33

Maybe that's the case. The OP should ask her.

I agree, but if she doesn’t get a proper answer, she should then tell her brother.

And if bizarrely she does admit that’s the reason, then OP should definitely tell her brother!

Lollypop701 · 13/07/2025 20:35

There’s either a certain amount of power play going on… sil lying, controlling fertility and the ‘drama’ that happens each month when she hasn’t conceived and then including op and saying shush…

she doesn’t want children and doesn’t know how to say this

or she knows her dh has spoken to op and she’s downplaying the difficulties

there’s no way to know. I’d tell him the conversation and that you have no idea if it’s the truth or not but either way he need to deal with it

Everythingisokay · 13/07/2025 20:37

You absolutely have to tell him.

If she doesn't want children, she needs to be open about it.
Imagine how hurt your brother would be if he finds out in the years to come. Knowing that his sister knew and said nothing, and he had wasted many years with that woman as a result.

Willwetalk · 13/07/2025 20:39

2025ismybestyear · 13/07/2025 19:00

What sister are you? You're literally choosing your SIL over your own brother. Awful.

And you're talking out of your arse.

2Hot2Handle · 13/07/2025 20:41

If you think about it this way, your SIL has put you in a position where you HAVE to tell your brother, if you want to maintain a good relationship with him. If you don’t tell him and he finds out/SIL confesses, she may well tell him that you knew too, destroying his trust in you.

I’d tell your SIL to confess to him, or you’ll have to do it. That what she’s doing isn’t love and you can’t watch your brother go through this pain, knowing what’s going on. If she confesses and tells him you knew, after you’ve told her to come clean, you’ll be able to say that you insisted she tell him, after she told you and that if she hadn’t you would have told him, but that it was better coming from her.

EggCustardTartt · 13/07/2025 20:42

I defo couldn't keep this from my brother. She's put you in a really difficult situation and tbh unless she's a complete sociopath she should realise this.

Imagine if he later found out. Worst case scenario you could be implicated in him never having a family as possibly he'd leave her if he knew she didn't want to.

Catdoorman · 13/07/2025 20:50

oncemoreuntothebeachdearfriends · 13/07/2025 19:34

Keep out of it, not your business.

It is her business now. Her sil made it so.

HauntedMarshmallow · 13/07/2025 20:53

Conception can be a long, arduous and stressful process, maybe she just wanted the month off from worrying if she is or isn’t pregnant. I’d be having a more in depth discussion with her. Then tell my bro if I still wasn’t happy.

DreamTheMoors · 13/07/2025 20:59

Either you tell him or I will, is always a good strategy.

I found a note to my dad once telling him that she’d - his secretary - go out for cocktails with him, but she wouldn’t park (and do anything).
I told him either he showed Mum the note or I would. He was livid, and I thought he would harm me for a few days, but he finally confessed to my mother. She wasn’t surprised, to my horror.
And I never looked at either of them the same way again.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 20:59

jacks11 · 13/07/2025 20:09

@NeverDropYourMooncup

What utter bullshit.

If this woman was terrified of her DH getting wind of her deception because he was abusive, I seriously doubt she’d tell his sister, of all people. Far less do it in the manner she did- giggling and whispering etc. The lengths some women will go to excuse other women of any wrongdoing or having any accountability astounds me. It also undermines women who are actually victims.

No-one is saying women do not have a right to bodily autonomy and to decide whether to have children or not, regardless of their husband/partners wishes. He does not have a “right” to impregnate her. Nobody had suggested otherwise. Which I think you know.

In this situation, OP’s SIL has every right to decide she does not want to have a baby and to take steps to prevent that, without consulting her DH. She does not need his permission to use contraception. I would not argue otherwise.

Where she is utterly and completely wrong is the lying- she should tell her husband she does not want a child- whether that is a “not right now” or “not ever”, she still owes him the truth. Pretending they are TTC, knowing he really wants children, whilst also actively preventing it is cruel and a complete betrayal of trust. It is a horrible thing to do to someone you supposedly love. For many, the lies alone would relationship ending. Not having a family may be a dealbreaker for him. He deserves to know the truth so he can decide how he wants to proceed. She does not owe him a child, he does not owe her a relationship. Especially one based on lies and deceptions.

So no, this is not a debate about bodily autonomy or women’s reproductive rights, this is about dishonesty and deception within a marriage.

Edited

all of this plus dragging the OP into it is doubly unforgiveable

Flashahah · 13/07/2025 21:00

HauntedMarshmallow · 13/07/2025 20:53

Conception can be a long, arduous and stressful process, maybe she just wanted the month off from worrying if she is or isn’t pregnant. I’d be having a more in depth discussion with her. Then tell my bro if I still wasn’t happy.

It’s been going on for two years….

It can be long and arduous, but they’ve haven’t started yet…. Not the the DB is aware.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 21:00

HauntedMarshmallow · 13/07/2025 20:53

Conception can be a long, arduous and stressful process, maybe she just wanted the month off from worrying if she is or isn’t pregnant. I’d be having a more in depth discussion with her. Then tell my bro if I still wasn’t happy.

Nope. its a joint enterprise and there shouldn't be lies between the partners.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/07/2025 21:01

I think you have to tell your brother

AvidJadeShaker · 13/07/2025 21:01

I’m not sure if I would outright tell but I think I may plant the seed and say something along the lines are you absolutely sure SIL isn’t using contraception?

jacks11 · 13/07/2025 21:02

LimitedBrightSpots · 13/07/2025 20:10

Why would a woman pretend to her husband that she is trying to become pregnant when actually she is taking steps to prevent pregnancy?

That's the question that needs to be answered before the OP tells her brother. Because I can think of a few reasons which are quite worrying.

And I can think of quite a few which are nothing to do with her being the victim of abuse and/or coercion. Not every woman who behaves badly does so as a result of abuse.

In this case, I think there are several factors which would tend to suggest that she is not a victim of abuse or coercion. Firstly, why on earth would she tell her abusive husband’s sister- to whom she is not close, from what op has said- that she was covertly using contraception whilst pretending to him she was on board with TTC? That makes no sense at all, surely his family would be exactly the people most likely to tell him (especially if they have no idea he is abusive)? Why would someone terrified that their abusive husband would find out about such a significant deception tell the very people most likely to tell him her secret? She would be highly unlikely to make that choice, unless she was very close to her SIL and was confiding in her about what her brother was doing/swearing her to secrecy or asking for help. if she did want to confide in her out of desperation, to gain her SIL’s support to help her out of an abusive/coercive situation, then I seriously doubt she would have gone about it in the way OP outlined in her OP and gave more details about in her subsequent post (I.e, by laughing/giggling).

The stretch to get this to be all the fault of the man is quite something. Abuse and coercion by men towards women is far too common, but we cheapen it and do genuine victims no favours when we try to call anything and everything abusive and claim women can only ever be the victims and can never, ever just be in the wrong. You are aware that women can be deeply unpleasant people too? That sometimes women are selfish, manipulative, lie for their own gain etc? Women are not always victims, they are not always in the right and they are capable of doing horrible things.

In this situation, I presume the reason she is lying to her husband is either that she wants to stay married to him but knows that not wanting children is likely to be a dealbreaker for him, or possibly because she gets a kick out of leading him on. I think the former is a more likely scenario. I can imagine that if she knows/thinks that her husband would end their marriage if he was aware that she does not want children at all, or cannot commit to wanting them in the future, but thinks he probably wouldn’t leave her if one or both of them was infertile, that she might then have gone down the line of faking infertility either hoping he would just accept it as “not meant to be” until she is beyond the age of conception (if she never wants to have children), or until she changes her mind (if she is just not keen right now). Thus keeping her marriage intact, whilst also not having children she does not want. Or, perhaps she has a reason to want to stay married right now- this could be financial, for instance- but knows he might end their marriage if she was honest with him, and so has chosen to string him along by pretending to TTC, until it suits her to end the marriage (or she changes her mind). Or, she just enjoys the power trip/playing games etc. Some people are just horribly manipulative, for no other reason than to show to themselves that they can/to make them feel important or to get what they want, regardless of the harm they cause to others. Women are not immune from any of these awful behaviours.