To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

Yes, precisely.

I'd think equally badly if a man had had a vasectomy and kept quiet about it when he knew that his wife/partner wanted a baby - even more so if he lied to her that he too actively wanted a baby, knowing full well that he'd deliberately prevented it from happening.

Everybody has the right not to become a parent if they don't want to; but everybody in committed marriages and relationships with somebody who does want a baby has a responsibility to be honest about it.

Before telling your brother, I think you need to reflect carefully on the possibility that his and SIL's relationship is an abusive one and that this may be the easiest/safest way for SIL to protect her bodily autonomy. If you love your brother, I'm sure you think "He would never...!" and all of that, but the truth is that many men all we know well, love or trust implicitly behave badly in their intimate relationships.

I would definitely ask SIL why she is doing this before telling your brother, and give her a head's-up that you're going to tell him.

Erm no. If op really wants to stick her nose in then she should tell the sil to tell him.. seriously whats them being brother and sister got to do with it.. its still someone's marriage.

Normally Im full in the mind your own business camp. But I would tell my brother this.

Let their marriage burn if thats what happens but I wouldnt carry this secret

How could you not tell your brother? Do you have no sense of loyalty at all towards your own family?

I would absolutely tell him, if she doesn't want kids then it could actually be a deal breaker if your DB wants to be a dad. He should have all the information to make the choice himself.

I don’t think I could hide this from my brother, I would be incredibly upset with my sibling if they withheld something like this from me.

Keep out of it, not your business.

If that’s how she reacted, forget giving her chance. Tell him he needs to know, he deserves to be treated better.

if they were to spilt (not just over this) he is still brother she would no longer be family.

Absolutely, but if your partner does want kids, you need to tell them so they can decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

You didn’t even say you’d keep it secret. He’s your brother, you obviously tell him. She’s probably hoping you’ll do it for her anyway

Yeah I had this thought myself. It was such a weird thing to “confess” to his sister. Me and SIL are not very close either so extra weird.

to those who are asking why I obviously just don’t tell him. Feels like she is trying to create drama (she has a history of trying to whip up drama) and I don’t want to be roped in. I’m starting to question whether it is real. Maybe they are having difficulty and this is her odd way of trying to make light of it. I don’t know. It’s left me with a weird feeling

There's a lot of room for misunderstanding or only having some of the facts here so I'd go extremely tentative. And probably say to him that she made a weird comment that made you uncomfortable, repeat exactly what she said then just say I'm not sure what this means but felt I had to tell you, I don't need to know any more details. Or something like that.

Do not ever get involved, family or no family. They need to sort their own issues out. Stay away. It won't end well either way. You don't need to be some kind of hero telling tales. Nothing to do with you whatsoever.

This is a really good way to approach conversation with bro . Thank you

Why would your SIL be so comfortable sharing such a big secret with you? Are you the type of sibling that is untrustworthy, so she thinks you'll be comfortable withholding this from him?

It could be her who is the abusive one. She was giggling about it for goodness sake.

That's a hell of a take..of course its her body and if she doesnt want a baby than more power to her but that's a choice she needs to inform her husband about. Not just let him think they are trying for a baby whilst doing the exact opposite

Oddly worded post.

In the same post: AIBU
To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?
AIBU to keep this info to myself?

There have been a few of these recently.

AIBU to think that Mumsnet is turning into Bored Panda ' 5 second crafts and this thread is totally made up for the clicks?

Shes made it your secret now so do as you will.

I could write pages of why id tell him. Kids is a deal breaker, shes asking you to lie to your bro, shes lying to him... but the truth is we all know why its not ok and we've seen who she is. So I wouldn't let her know whats coming. Id tell him and even if he hated me for it, or didnt believe me id still have loved him enough to give him something his wife should have and didnt. Honesty and fair choices

Do you want her to be pregnant against her own consent?

If she doesn't want a pregnancy and her husband is too much of an abusive cunt to accept that then she should leave him. And no of course you shouldn't tell him.

He should be a decent enough human being that his wife doesn't have to hide the fact she's not wanting a kid with him. You should be supportive to her personal right to choose.

All I can say that she should have kept quiet in front of you. 🤐
Shame.

Just realised I voted the wrong way round because I read the question the wrong way around. You are being unreasonable to keep this to yourself.

Your loyalty should be with your brother. Tell him the facts of what happened. Or tell her to tell him.