To tell my bro his wife is secretly preventing pregnancy?

[MyameVyce]

About 2 years ago my bro told me he’s trying for a baby with his wife. He was really excited and was hoping it would happen quickly for them because he can’t wait to be a dad. With it being a personal sensitive topic I would not ask further updates, but he’s made a few rueful comments about how it isn’t happening. He mentioned that his wife had said she doesn’t want fertility investigations or treatments and if it doesn’t happen naturally she’d be ok with that.

Problem is that SIL made a weird kind of confession to me where she basically told me she’s on contraception and my bro doesn’t know. Conversation was bizarre. She giggled and saying “ssshhhh” don’t tell him.

I have no interest in getting involved in someone else’s marital problems but I told my best friend about this and she strongly thought I needed to tell my bro.

AIBU to keep this info to myself?

Is there more to the situation.

I would never withhold this information from my brother

I would tell them immediately.

I'd say your loyalty is to your brother here. She really should be lying to him and it was a bit stupid to tell you.

I have an answer which was shared with me by someone who does counselling. You say "What do you want me to do with that information? You obviously want me to do something with it because you told me." If she doesn't give you an answer that you can accept, then you move to "tell him or I will" Its the usual problem though with these nuclear secrets. The messenger gets caught in the blast. I hope you can find a way through this that doesn't wreck your relationship with your brother.

Her body her choice of course. But the problem is her lying to her husband, pretending they are TTC, potentially making him worry about his own fertility and wasting his life if DC are something that's very important to him

The issue is not her decision to take contraception or have a child. You don't have a right to lie to people ffs

In his position, would you want to know? I would. I’d be deeply hurt to find a sibling or close relative knew and did not tell me.

I think your brother deserves to know what his wife is doing- it is a huge betrayal of his trust. She has a right to not want a child, absolutely, but she owes him the truth. If he finds out you knew all along and let him be strung along for years, how do you think he will feel? I think your relationship will be irreparably damaged. And he may lose the chance to have a family, something he clearly wants.

I cannot believe women are defending her. Of course, she has every right to not want to be pregnant/have a child now or ever, or to have changed her mind having previously said she did want children. In either scenario she owes her husband the truth. How many men get absolutely castigated for “future faking” by telling a woman he wants children when he doesn’t/ changes his mind? These men are called all the names under the sun. Same applies to women, it’s no different when it’s the other way round. His wife is not allowing him to make decisions for himself with the full knowledge of the situation- he might end the relationship if she doesn’t ever want children, or because of the lies she has told him.

As long as you fully accept the responsibility if he were to beat her up or even kill her, I guess the woman's rights over her own reproductive system < your brother's wish to have his sperm fertilise an ova in this world. Or that's what this thread seems to be saying, at any rate.

Tell her if she isn’t honest with him, you will be.

I'd tread very carefully with this. As much as I'm sure your brother will be hurt, you have no clue what goes on behind closed doors. She could have a valid reason why she doesnt want a baby just yet with him. Stupid for her to tell you and put you in this position either way anyway.

And what happens when it eventually comes out, as all things do, and he finds out OP has known for a long time?

It might be her body her choice but she is blatantly lying to her dh. Do you like people lying to you?

I think OP wants her to be honest with her husband tbh...

If your issue is your scared of your husband, and he's abusive, why on God's earth would you tell his sibling? Probably the one person most likely to tell your husband bar perhaps his mum

If it’s valid why doesn’t her husband know?

What would people say if it was the other way round and the man had secretly had a vasectomy or something while ‘trying’ for a baby!

Not when she’s lying to her husband it isnt.
I would be saying to her either you tell him or I will. And do it.

I’d tell my brother. Wasting someone’s time when you know you don’t want what they want is the biggest betrayal

Beat her up or kill her?

I think OP may know her DB a little better than that!

She also should not be lying or pretending to be TTC.

Why are people jumping to the conclusion he’s abusive and might kill her, bit of a reach when OP has given no indication her brother is a bad sort.

OP is your brother the violent type? Does their dynamic seem tense or off?

Would you say that if the sexes were reversed?

I would tell because whilst it is her body her choice she is taking away someone else’s choice

If she doesn’t want children then no one is going to force her but she needs to understand that whilst she might be vehemently opposed to having children it doesn’t mean she ban make that choice for anyone else including her dh

There are many family members of abusers who don't believe their loved one is capable of behaviour like this behind closed doors. And often they skew the narrative to paint the victim as "difficult" to justify the little acts of contempt and disrespect that they do witness.

Tell him.

Agree with the majority. You need to have an honest conversation with her. Tell her your bro told you how much he wants to be a dad and was hoping it would be soon. She’s put you in a horrible position, and can’t expect you to keep a confidence that was so casually made. If she doesn’t tell him, you will.

I honestly don’t think it’s your place to say anything. Really your brother needs to decide whether it’s a deal breaker or not and you could maybe have that conversation with him.. but I deffo don’t think you need to say anything tbh.

I haven’t rtft, but just wanted to add my two pennies worth. I have an older brother (just us two siblings) and I would 100% tell my brother. I have his back and he has mine. He needs to know that (for whatever reason) his wife is being deceptive here 😢

I would be saying nothing to him personally. Yes he’s your brother but you have no idea what their marriage is truly like and what her health history is. Maybe she just isn’t ready, maybe she’s scared. Who knows

Her body her choice but she’s taking the choice away from someone else. You can’t take the high road unless you’re being honest. And she isn’t.