DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

But you can do the driving? I haven’t driven for two years, my licence was taken off me due to psychosis. It was returned a couple of months ago. I’ve driven once since it came back. I cannot tell you how scared I am about driving now. I used to love it, I was the main driver if we went anywhere, even though DH is a very capable driver too. I’ve never had an accident but the fear when I get in the car now is horrendous.

Am i missing something why don’t you drive the three of you to the places you want to visit? Surely there are places close enough that even if your husband didn’t want to split the driving you could manage to drive the whole distance?

Yabu.

This would do my head in, he sounds like a dick. Panic attacks indeed, grow the fuck up.

But you can drive, so your DS isn’t going to miss out on those days.

However, having said that, he should maybe look into help with the panic attacks. You live rurally so not driving will be a pain. My DH can’t drive due to a disability that legally prevents him from doing it, and it is annoying being the only driver.

Maybe you need to move somewhere less rural if he refuses to drive

I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc

Why can’t he do those things?

Any reason why you can't drive instead?

I understand the frustration, OP, as a lot of my friends from my home town don't drive. If he had medical reasons then I'd be more inclined to say you'll just have to drive when you fancy a day out, but I'm guessing you also do the majority of ferrying kids around/shopping trips etc.

Maybe you need to just be firm and make him get on the bus and lug the shopping back every now and again. Sounds harsh but then he'll appreciate the impact of his choices rather than you taking the load (don't mean this to spite him, but just to even it out - he may even come to the realisation in time that driving is less hassle than the alternative).

Why can't you drive to places?

The amount of people saying "why don't you just do it" is insane.

That wouldn't be response of he just opted out of doing the dishes, laundry childcare.

The whole point is that he can share the load and chooses not to but doesn't have a solution beyond expecting you to do it. It's really entitled behaviour.

For the same reason she can't do all the washing, ironing, and general housework on her own! Why should one partner run around like a blue arsed fly because the other prefers not to despite being able to?

He needs to try and deal with it or find another way to contribute. Even something like propranolol would help with the sweaty palms/racing heart element, so until he's at least tried to tackle it he's basically just saying he's happy for OP to pull his weight for him.

Snap.

Unless there's more to it then I'm inclined to agree.

I think there are a lot of non drivers on here as I've seen a lot of heated threads before with people moaning about being looked down on for not driving. If it was 'husband won't change nappies because the smell makes him anxious' it'd be a different story.

I was the default driver for the 1st 20 odd yrs of mine and DH's relationship. I passed my test at 17 and drove everywhere and anywhere. Drove us round the USA. DH only learned when I got pregnant and I insisted I couldn't drive us to hospital and home with a newborn- was 30. fast forward to my early 40s and peri menopause anxiety put paid to me driving anywhere where I had to drive over 30 mph - sounds mad I know but i had a full blown panic attack on a motorway and had to pull onto the hard shoulder and let him take over. I thought I was dying heart pounding, black spots in front of my eyes the whole shebang. I was someone who had never had an anxious moment in my life before! It's got a bit better now- can drive very locally but bigger trips DH has to drive or I purposefully book places we can go by train. He is not the best driver (I know I'm a hypocrite) Go easy on him I doubt he's making it up. I was really embarrassed to admit it. I just felt like I would crash and kill us all😳

Worth getting some driving lessons or doing pass plus? Or seeking some therapy if this is such an aversion?

If he has no problem getting on the bus then I think there's no reason why he can't just go and do the shopping etc this way sometimes. However, I'm willing to bet this doesn't happen and OP drives every time.

I'm rather like your DP. I can drive and I do but I find it very anxiety inducing, especially if required to go off my usual patch. We live semi rurally too so it is necessary. I don't drive now unless I absolutely have to. In the next couple of years DH and I intend to sell our house and move to somewhere with more amenities close by and much better public transport.

Fortunately my children are all now adults who can drive themselves so I no longer have to drive anything like as much as I did when they were ternagers and it is such a relief.

Driving anxiety is a thing and is more common than many people seem prepared to admit. It's also horrible when people expect you to drive and can't understand why it is a big thing.

I am a nervous driver so I can understand the DO point of view. I really do not understand why the OP feels her children will have to miss out on days out,why can't she do the driving if she is so keen on such trips. Walking,cycling an using public transport are all better for the environment so I'm not that sympathetic. If the burden for shopping trips falls in the OP she could try getting home deliveries,so many supermarkets offer the service now.

Seriously? Ever suffered with panic attacks?

I think he’s allowed to make that choice. You say he’ll do it if he absolutely has to so you’re not going to be stuck in an emergency, but when there are alternatives, he’s choosing to use them. Better for the environment, better for his health and happiness.

I do most of the driving in our family for health reasons, and I rather like being in charge 😃

I’d sooner drive myself rather than be a passenger with a panicky driver
this isn’t new he’s always been like this from what you say
it’s not like he’s picking and choosing and just dumping the driving when he’s with you

ultimately driving isn’t for everyone also there’s the pressure of being responsible for your son whilst he’s a passenger

When women on here say they are nervous to drive or done poster's climb over each other to be understanding about how difficult and understanding their partners have to be and you need to leave if the partners dont drop every and assist you

Why is it wrong for a man? Are women not capable to drive

Posted too soon

Given all the alternatives he uses, that isn’t as convenient, it must be pretty serious for him.

I mean this sounds like a legit problem for him, only made worse by the birth of your child - driving a child around carries even more mental load having that responsibility.
If he’s having panic attacks I’m not sure what more you can do bar suggesting having some additional lessons to build confidence .

Sometimes these crash courses are too much too soon. Does he drive manual? An automatic might take some of the stress out - it certainly worked for me and I love driving now, but before, i couldn’t tell you anything else I feared more .

It’s understandable in the circumstances, living rurally, that you would feel a bit resentful, but he’s got some deep issues with this that can’t be forced either.

If people don't want to drive that's fine. What's not fine is expecting others to pick up the slack.

I grew up in a small but really pretty town and a lot of my friend group never left, so many didn't ever learn to drive. In our early/mid 20s it was probs the majority that didn't drive, which seems weird nowadays as I rarely meet people that don't. A few have learned since but it's probs still 50/50.

All of them say they're happy to use public transport but I've found this is not generally a statement made from experience - they usually end up getting ferried about in the end as it becomes too complicated otherwise or they end up going home early due to bus timings etc.

They'll get the bus to work but a lot of them seem to get the hump a bit if you don't offer them a lift home after going out. The unspoken sentiment seems to be "well, it's only five mins drive for you but it's an uber or 15 mins walk for me".

I'm pretty ruthless nowadays tbh. I never look down on non drivers but I won't ferry them around. I live an hour's drive away so don't want to be fucking around for 20 mins dropping three people off - although if I'm just meeting one mate I'll usually offer. I also can't drink due to the distance home so it irks me a bit when they hint for a lift - many times I think I'd happily spend a tenner on a uber rather than having to not drink all night and do a two hour round trip.

I just say "OK, lovely to see you all, I'm off now" but I defo sense a bit of resentment when they start mentioning sharing an uber etc. Not my issue though.