DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

I tend to think that the fewer nervous drivers there are on the road the better, so I wouldn’t be trying to force his hand. I certainly don’t want to be driving anywhere near someone who could have a panic attack.

I understand the pressure of being the only driver, as my husband has hardly driven for the last 30 years, though he still has a licence. However, as he is so nervous, I would far rather drive than be his passenger. And I wouldn’t want my children to be driven by him (which is not an issue now that they are adults and better drivers than he is).

I drive but absolutely hate it. If I need to drive somewhere I don’t know, I feel physically sick and shaky. I really only drive in my local town. If I need to go further out, I would rather take public transport. My husband drives, so if he is there, he will always do the driving.
you can’t force your husband to drive. If he is happy to take public transport/cycle/walk and you don’t want to, then it’s only fair you do the driving.

If he’s having panic attacks I’m not sure what more you can do bar suggesting having some additional lessons to build confidence.

Maybe see his GP?

Years ago I was having anxiety about public speaking in front of our dept of 50 people - law firm with lots of very confident speakers, which terrified me in my early 20s! I got prescribed beta blockers and they really helped as I was able remain outwardly calm and didn't go red/have sweaty palms. I gradually stopped using them once I'd got enough experience and the fear slowly faded.

It might sound like I'm being insensitive but I really do know about driving anxiety. I used to drive heavy plant as part of my job and it's pretty scary the first time you have to drive through a city centre in rush hour in a 40 ton truck after being used to having somebody with you. But the more you do it the easier it usually becomes.

The fact he used to drive makes it more probable that he could overcome this IMO. Although I may of course be wrong.

If he is happy to take public transport/cycle/walk and you don’t want to, then it’s only fair you do the driving.

No, what's fair is a 50/50 split and he just gets on the bus when he has to.

My friend’s husband is like this then, when her dad was dying in hospital he wouldn’t drive her because he was so out of practice and All the kids clubs fall on my friend because he can’t logistically get her to them after school on buses in time. Unless there a medical reason, adults not driving is hugely limiting and very unattractive.

If it was 'husband won't change nappies because the smell makes him anxious' it'd be a different story.

Nobody ever died because someone was nervous about changing a nappy.

A nervous, panicky driver could kill someone.

I am really, really annoyed by this MN insistence that everyone should drive, even when they are nervous and not confident. We don't need drivers like that on the roads.

And not to mention the sexism here - becase he's a bloke, he's not allowed to be nervous or anxious.

If he was pushed into driving by his parents and never really liked it/he was an anxious driver anyway - he’s going to be more anxious now you have a child hence why he’s stopped driving as much. Maybe @Fantatwist23 he’s actually terrified at the extra responsibility and that’s the root of this problem. You need to talk to him and if that’s the case, support and maybe get him to do shorter drives and you take on the longer ones xxx

All the people on here saying he should drive… you would knowingly put your child in the car with a driver who suffers from panic attacks when driving. WOW.

No, the issue is everybody saying OP will just have to drive. He can get on the bus.

After doing this for a while he might actually think "this is right faff. Maybe I'll look into getting back behind the wheel".

I think it is unfair on you. Yes if you were happy to do all of the driving, but as you say you're feeling resentful about it. When you met/previously he would drive. He should seek treatment for his panic attacks.

I would rather not drive, but I have to as I'm widowed and walking or getting public transport to everywhere I need to go or take DC to isn't possible. Therefore I have no choice.

Long term, something needs to be sorted out as it's not going to work out if you're unhappy doing all the driving.

Has he lost his licence without you knowing?

This. That's a medical reason for not driving IMHO. I do know someone who had that for a few years and managed to get back to driving but I think that's rare.

That's what I was going to say. Personally I don't want to be driven by an anxious driver who might have a panic attack at any point. And I ABSOLUTELY WOULDN'T want my baby to be driven around by him.

This is clearly a real problem. He's not choosing not to drive because he doesn't want to. He doesn't feel safe driving. Panic attacks are very real, and I'm astonished at the number of posters who don't accept that as a condition.

@Fantatwist23 I can only suggest getting him to the GP. The sooner this is addressed, the more likely it is that it can be resolved.

I think as long as he isnt using it to get out of doing 50% of the load, then it's up to him if he drives or not

So of he happily takes ds places, does appointments via public transport, does shopping at times etc then driving isnt a necessity, especially since a panicky driver could be a dangerous one

Lots of fun places for your child are accessible by public transport. Agreed, having a car makes getting to them easier but if he is happy to plan journeys around public transport then leave him to it to sort out some of trips and you do the driving for the others

Don't let everything fall to you for the convenience of driving, let him pick up some slack

She's only 'picking up the slack' by driving to places she wants to go to anyway. He's independent otherwise by the sound of things, cycles everywhere and isn't cadging lifts home from the pub at 1am.

I don't have any issues with driving which is a double edged sword in this argument, as I would no issue being the one responsible for driving to an NT property, but equally that means I don't totally get it being a source of panic attacks.

However the op isn't implying that he is faking it, or slacking off, so why wouldn't his anxiety be genuine? When you think about it, driving is a very worthwhile source of anxiety.

If it makes him so anxious he has panic attacks, he probably can't safely drive. Do other things make him feel that level of stress, perhaps he needs some support with his mental health

YABU
He said he is anxious about it.
As you can, and are happy to drive, I don't see the problem.

Are you me??? This is so similar to my experience with sudden fear of driving.

Is OP happy to do all the driving?

We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

I know this is very unlikely but my father just stopped doing his "share" of driving when we were in our early teens my mum was regularly on his case about it .... about 3/4 years later it was discovered that his drinking habits were much worse than anybody had thought. looking back that was clearly the reason he stopped driving because he was chugging vodka in the bathroom every morning and hiding the bottles behind in the bath panel

Stop being horrendous! Why can driving anxiety and panic attacks affect only women?

Ridiculous post.

Unlikely, otherwise they wouldn’t be spouting such hateful nonsense.

I used to feel the same as him, id rather take public transport than drive and would often have walked miles just to avoid driving. However living rurally and with DH working away fairly often I recognised it was something worth at least attempting to address. I grew up in a household without a car and it was really limiting, missed out on a lot of stuff so that was my main motivator. If he feels that strongly he isnt magically going to wake up one day and feel differently about it- but id be frustrated if he didnt even look into things that might help.

My oh developed a phobia over driving. Did psych sessions and hypnotherapy- which really helped.

you need to have an honest conversation with your DP and look at some options to resolve this

i I get it. It pisses me RIGHT off that I have to sit in fucking Volvo for hours while my car is being serviced but he gets me to drop him off and pick him up from BMW in the Village

I was tempted to say that HE can make a waiting appointment and see how it feels

(although on some level, sitting in a quiet place listening to music or podcasts being left alone to drink coffee isn’t the worst way to spend a couple of hours 🤫)