DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

My first boyfriend's dad never drove. Boyfriend explained that it was 'his nerves'. The mum and dad are now in their eighties and the mum still does all the driving.

A colleague's 28 year old daughter has a couple of lessons then gave up because it made her too anxious. My mother won't drive anywhere unfamiliar to her. A lot of my female friends won't drive abroad - they leave that up to their male partners.

Being afraid of driving is not uncommon and the OP's partner is obviously very afraid. Not sure what to suggest but wonder if a hypnotist might be able to help?

Kind of understandable but misguided. It is possible to learn to drive to a standard where the chance of harming someone is negligable, and using a bicycle as a primary means of transport firstly is far more restrictive for mobility and secondly, internalises the risk of harm. I live on my own and went car free for a couple of years despite having a job in a rural area 10 miles away that couldn't be accessed by public transport. It was doable but there were definite restrictions on being car free, and it lasted until I was nearly killed by a careless driver on a roundabout.

You posted last month about your eldest child’s mental health problems when they started university. Did you tell them to ‘grow the fuck up’ too?

Well I wouldn’t want my kids being driven around by someone liable to have a panic attack.

If driving isn’t a problem for you, why don’t you just do it?

If he hates it there’s your answer.

No he shouldnt be pressured to drive if he isnt comfortable.

Refusing to drive a car when anxious and panicky is not akin to refusing to change a nappy.

He uses alternative forms of transport so hes not expecting lifts everywhere

OP can choose places to visit and he can also choose places to visit, no doubt his would include being able to get there without the car.

Or OP can just leave him because as another poster says 'he is a pathetic dick'

Then she would have the full load of childcare and travel all the time when its her 50% of custody.

He won't talk about it but you seem to know the full back story and that he panicks about it, and you still don't understand even though it's all there in your OP.
Maybe he doesn't see the need in explaining again as you think he's unreasonable in his feeling.
Just because he said yes to something before doesn't mean her has to say yes for ever that's a basic lesson of consent.
I think if you're so keen for your child to go to all these places you need to find another way to get there.
If he couldn't drive due to having an epileptic fit and has his licence removed would you feel the same way? it would have the same effect but would there be a difference in your mind? There's probably a lot to dig into there.

I’m like your DP. I’m a breadwinner, mum of three, carer for own mother and I went back to uni in my 50s to retrain. I’m also very happy to exist on public transport. People always seem to have a problem with that.

We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

These are the key points to me. Living rurally when one person does not drive is almost completely impossible ime. And in a relationship, you cannot just unilaterraly decide not to discuss something.

Unless there a medical reason, adults not driving is hugely limiting and very unattractive
My limited and unattractive husband has just heaved a huge sigh of relief that he's married to me then
I drive , he passed his test years ago but doesn't because he is very unhappy behind the wheel , to the point he'd be a liability .

My MIL said to "Make Him" , I told her to do one too .
.

He has discussed it, she knows full well why he doesnt want to drive.

She also knows full well that he uses other modes of transport, so its clearly possible to get out and about despite living in the countryside

Her beef is that the places they want to visit are not easily accessible by public transport - so get a cab from the nearest station.

I’m a nervous driver so although both me and DH drives, he tends to do long distances. People are saying about “division of labour” in comments are clearly not nervous drivers.
When I’ve forced myself to drive on motorways, I’ve been driving with tears rolling down my face (yes extreme but driving scares me.) this has been worse since I had my daughter as I’m so much more worried that something will happen.
local driving, I’m fine. I did some refresher driving lessons to increase my confidence.

I would dig deeper here OP. Chat to your husband. Does it scare him? Is he worried about your son? And yeah ultimately, just do the driving yourself. And people commenting, “ why should you” well I assume you’re in a loving relationship where you want to help each other. My husband knows I’m nervous on motorways so always wants to drive to help. He’s nervous with flying and swimming, so I’m the main person with our daughter for that

Bloody hell, seriously?

He’s nervous with flying and swimming, so I’m the main person with our daughter for that

Exactly !
If either DH or I was nervous flyers when the DC were little we'd have made sure the non-nervous parent sat between them .
It wouldn't be fair on the Nervous Flyer/DC to put them under more pressure. Let them have as relaxed flight as possible , they can do the heavy lifting later

I feel just the same as @PassOnThatwho.posted earlier- sorry don't know how to quote on a phone.
My phobia - i yhink it is that severe - started during covid. As well as feeling like PASSoNTHAt in practically every way I developed OCD around driving. I was/am also convinced that I had caused an accident & would have to re- drive a route to see that I hadn't.
Anticipatory anxiety to the extent that having to do a 2 mile drive on a familiar route on say a Saturday would cause me awful anxiety from the previous Saturday to the extent that I would be in full blown panic by the time it came round thinking of all the things that could go wrong.
I never ever felt chuffed if I'd driven somewhere just huge relief that I'd got away with it this time.
If I practised s particular route it dudnt help as I couldn't cope if there was something different aboit it the next time because my reactions & rosd sense desert me. Even typing this out is making my heart race.
I appreciate the OP is feeling frustrated but often there is much more to it thst just "feeling scared" or not fancying it

YABU. If he was asking you to go out of your way to pick him up/drop him off then I could understand your frustration, but he isn't, he is using other ways to get around which backs up him being very anxious.
It seems you want him to drive so he can drive you and DS to places. If you are going anyway and clearly have no anxiety around driving what is the problem with you driving? Why would you want him to do something that could cause him to have a panic attack? Surely it is a lot better for you and DS as well as DH to not have someone who is anxious driving. I'd guess that would get in the way of the trip being enjoyable for anyone.

He has not discussed it - he has laid down the law and refused to look at compromise. The more he avoids driving, the more anxious he will become. Until he has tried to do something about his anxiety, he is being very unreasonable.

But phobias are treatable. Its at least worth trying because not driving causes such inconvenience. I get that it is hard. But just avoiding what makes us anxious makes it worse. And life ends up being really restricted. Or the people around us have to pick up the slack, which is not fair.

He’s being eminently reasonable. MN is always moaning about older drivers and their lack of driving skills as they lose confidence with great insistence that their car keys are taken away. Here a guy who knows he’s a liability on the roads does us all a favour and refuses to get behind the wheel and apparently he’s unreasonable. It just defies belief.

I think YABU.
I am another anxious driver. I will drive locally and go to places I know but I find it stressful going somewhere new, especially with passengers. If I am driving with my DH as a passenger then this makes me feel more anxious as I know he is confident and I feel he is watching for any mistakes.

It sounds like your DH is sorted in terms of transport - cycling to work or walking. It sounds like it is you who has the problem thinking he can't go places. I agree without my husband driving then National Trust places are hard to visit, but most tourist destinations are easily accessible by public transport. Assuming you can walk to a bus stop or train station then you can still have plenty of fun days out and going on public transport adds to the adventure.

Those saying about shopping etc, that can easily be solved by doing an online shop.

As I said, anxiety is treatable for most people. Until you have tried, digging in is not a reasonable response.

@Hotflushesandchilblainsi dont see how treatment could help for a phobia that coukd result in me potentially causing an accident ,& thst is based in part on the fact thst other people's reactions are so unpredictable & often irrational.
I have taken refresher lessons many times but thry only help for that route at that time.

Its not unreasonable at all, people shouldnt be pushed into doing something that is genuinely unsafe, not just feeling unsafe or uncomfortable and a bit worried, but in charge of a killing machine when you're not confident is foolhardy. I dont want this person on the roads. I dont want some of the previous posters on the roads who have talked about being confused about lanes and directions and signs etc etc.

My OH is a bit like this, he frightens the life out of me, he doesnt understand (and never will, he cant learn it) road signs, road markings, lane discipline, forgets things all the time. People like this shouldnt be on the road.

And I love the naive confidence people have in 'going to the doctors' or even therapy for anxiety, it doesnt always fix stuff and given this isnt life or death whether he gets public transport or not, this is one of the aspect that they'll have to work around. Demanding he be 'fixed' to meet someone elses needs is not appropriate.

If there was a name attached to blunt it would be yours...lacking in empathy maybe?

After 25 years of treatment anxiety disorders, my view point on living with anxiety is far from naive. Treatment does not always work. But driving phobia is eminently treatable and responds well to proper treatment.

If you have anxiety and do not want to try to see if treatment for it would help, that is your prerogative. But when the consequences of this affect the people around you, that is not reasonable, imo. I have said previously on threads that people with anxiety often have a blind spot about how their anxiety affects the people around them.