DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

Because that means that she is always the designated driver when there is another driver in the household who is refusing to do it. He is assuming she will be happy to taxi them all around. Very selfish.

Yes its annoying he won't drive, but that doesn't stop you from going to places that are rural.

I am 100% with your husband but of course I u derstand why your peed off. I am in a similar boat. I can drive. Ive never had an accident BUT I learned out of necessity after having our second DS. Ive always been anxious, driving frightens me and I hate driving places ive not been before. If I have to go somewhere that im not confident, I will get a bus or train. I guess unless you have a fear of driving, you cant really understand. Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should if you feel uncomfortable or anxious.

@KassandraOfSparta yes I get that. I would rather be the family day out driver than feel my kids were missing out. He could perhaps take some sessions with an instructor in their own car to help build confidence.

I work with a few people who have serious anxiety about driving. In a work context it is a problem as they need to drive as part of their role. They are encouraged to speak to their GP and have counselling.

In your position I would be keen he addresses it. I am confident about driving but still choose to walk, cycle or catch the bus whenever possible.

My OH doesn’t drive, I do. Doesn’t bother me one bit as I enjoy driving. I wouldn’t be keen to be driven by such a nervous driver OP.

I’d much prefer it that an unconfident driver liable to panic attacks stayed off the road. We discourage elderly drivers and this is no different.

If driving ia an issue for him then I would happily do it. Normal for me and dh to have different jobs within the family depending on what we are better at.

Developing a phobia around something to the extent that it triggers panic attacks is not “very selfish”. Don’t be ridiculous.

These things can be self perpetuating, though. I have a friend who sounds similar: she can drive, but isn’t a confident driver, therefore makes any excuse mot to it. But I do think a big part of the reason she isn’t a confident driver is because she doesn’t do it very often! Sometimes, in these situations, it really is about practice and something just becoming the norm. And I do have sympathy with the OP - it’s miserable if you always have to be the driver. It actually does limit where/how far you go as well, because it’s a different kettle of fish going on a long drive but knowing that you can ask your DH to take over for a bit if you feel tired or get fed up with it.

I wonder if there has been a near miss or something happen that he has not told you about, when he has been driving without you.

You are talking nonsense.

I don't think one single poster has actually said that?

what would be better rather than the OPs partner digging his heals in and leaving it all up to OP would be to go to the GP and get help with panic attacks.

they are treatable. Once they're under control then get back on the road.

no one's saying they'll put their child in a car with someone having panic attacks WOW
😂

Dishes and laundry aren't dangerous activities

Driving when you're nervous or unsure can be lethal

Indeed. And this is what makes the situation difficult. While I understand OPs frustration, most parts of family and household work don't involve potentially endangering the lives of others.

The frustrating part is probably that he wont even attempt to seek some support or help, if he did and still felt like it was too much then im sure OP would be more understanding. As is he doesnt have to bother because he knows OP will drive, and/or his children will miss out on stuff and hes content with that.

My DH had an operation in the spring which meant no driving for a couple of months. It was a royal pain so I don’t think you are BU. But if he’s genuinely got an issue then he’s a danger to everyone else.
Is moving somewhere with good public transport a possibility? Because you’ll be in trouble if you can’t drive yourself for any reason.

It sounds like an anxiety issue. This would need to be discussed with his GP to check this out. Just because anxiety was not a problem for him before does not mean it is not a problem for him now.

If it does turn out he is sufferingis an anxiety disorder, these conditions are treatable with medication or therapy or both. The usual therapy is gradual re exposure to the situation causing the anxiety to desensitise the sufferer to the fear or anxiety - which you might be able to help him with.

Did I miss the part where OP said that he is instead proactively looking to either address his anxiety or has been coming up with alternatives, such as planning bus routes and times so they can all do things together without the expectation that OP will just drive?

Yeah because drivers too frightened to be calm behind the wheel, who could lose control of themselves are exactly what we need on our roads. Maybe when you grow up you'll come to understand that not doing something you don't feel safe and competent to do is actually the mature decision.

I've been driving 10 years but I went through a patch where I started having panic attacks on the motorway after driving home one evening in torrential rain where I couldn't see and thought I was going to die. Panic attacks are horrible, is your husband being treated for them? If not he needs too, start with the GP or private therapist. If he stops driving altogether then he will probably never drive again, I pushed through and overcame the fear but I know people have different levels of panic. Try to be supportive, but realistically he needs to be able to drive if your live rural.

Wtf I don’t want anyone who has a panic attack on the road.

He needs to work through what is bothering him about doing it. The linger he leaves it then the harder it will get.

I suffer from driving anxiety from time to time. I used to drive all round the country, a very confident driver and didn't think twice. Completely came out of the blue the anxiety for not obvious reasons. I think it came down to a few life events that give me anxiety but I know the triggers and work hard to keep on top of it during every day life. I absolutely do not shy away from it or refuse to let it win.

However after an attack the once where I completely cocked up a roundabout DH saw just how bad I was. I'm talking about pulling over, dry heaving, the shakes etc. I have however been working on it and can drive further out, take the kids away etc. When we go out DH will now ask if I want to drive, sometimes I do sometimes I don't. However I am a much better navigator than he is and he is more confident on unfamiliar roads. Works well for us that way.

Bit shocked by the people dismissing the OP's partner saying he has panic attacks over driving, with comments like 'he needs to grow the fuck up'.

I know people who've stopped driving after experiencing this, and frankly we're all safer without them on the road.

If it's a deal breaker him driving then he'll need to seek out help for his panic attacks.

Neither DH nor I have driven for years. We were both reluctant drivers and really didn't enjoy it. Tried a Scottish highlands holiday by train/taxi/bus in the early 00s and realised it was more than manageable. We never looked back, we have one DC.