DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

If you are a professional then I am deeply concerned about how irresponsible you're being

Treating a phobia and seeking help for that or any anxiety, which Ive done plenty times for myself over the years and also work within MH on and off, is not a problem when it involves something individual, a flying phobia, anxiety about social situations, anxiety about public speaking, etc etc, not a problem

But to be pushing someone to 'not avoid driving' when they're panicky, dont feel confident on the roads, may become overwhelmed is hugely inappropriate. Other people have rightly set out how unpredictable other drivers are, you need to be confident, assertive and clear minded when on the roads, its not some experiment to see if you can get over your anxiety.

Dreadful advice.

Did I mention anxiety? My focus is his sensible decision not to endanger himself and the rest of us.

Oh get over yourself. I pointed out that driving phobia is treatable - in fact there are very good treatments for it. Suggesting someone try treatment is not the same as willy-nilly pushing them to do something they are terrified of. That is not how treatment works. If you make a decision not to try treatment you are making an active choice and if that affects the people around you, there may be consequences of that choice.

But hey, dont let what I actually said get in the way of you making nasty comments.

Let’s hope you never have a medical reason you can’t drive as that would make life harder than if he could. My df can’t drive because he has a brain tumour. Dm worries about not being able to drive because relying on public transport is limiting. You can’t just hop in a car and go somewhere. Glad it works for you but not the future I would want.

But we’re always being told how easy it is when people get too old to drive - they can get taxis for health appointments and order their shopping online - which is it?

They can, but it’s expensive and isolating. Loneliness being the biggest health risk to elderly people, especially in the winter.

I don't know what your solution is but does he actually get panic attacks when driving or is he afraid that he will? I know a little bit personally because I can't do height over water (oddly I am fine on planes) and have had a couple of full on panic attacks....but of course my trigger is pretty easy to avoid. The reason that I ask is that being afraid that something will give you a panic attack can cross over into other things that you can't do in case it gives you a panic attack...I guess basically I am asking if his issue is manageable or likely to spread to other areas of his life?

It would irritate me too. You could suggest counselling or hypnotherapy to help.

But I would drive dc and dh on outings at
weekend etc. I’d drive for my own errands/work. But I wouldn’t drive dh around I’d expect him to drive himself

If he has panic attacks he needs therapy- it will only become a bigger issue if you don't deal with it. If you live rurally you both need to drive.

In the long run, it might be better moving somewhere less isolated so there's less need to drive.

My mum was like this. A terrific driver but very fearful. She gave up the moment she retired and has never driven since. Much happier. I always thought she should get help about her anxieties, of which this was just one of several, but you can't force people to go to therapy. Especially if they have to drive there.

Your comment is very ignorant. Having anxiety and panic attacks whilst driving is not something you can grow out off.
I voluntarily handed my driving licence back to DVLA because of this. Just the meer thought of getting behind a while now, makes me very anxious. I had been a driver for 38 years before I stopped.

It is quite sensible to be wary of driving. You are operating several tonnes of heavy metal at high speeds in close proximity to lots of other people, who you might kill or injure if you make a mistake. You have to filter a lot of information, make lots of speedy decisions and react quickly to stay safe and keep those around you safe. It is an awesome responsibility. I am amazed that more people aren't apprehensive when it comes to driving.

Some people really are completely anxious when driving and it shows. They crawl up to junctions, hesitate about pulling out, constantly brake unnecessarily, practically have a nervous crisis at roundabouts and have no spacial awareness. Personally, I'd just as soon they didn't drive at all than be anywhere near them on the road as they're a danger to themselves and everyone around them.

Unfortunately I have sufficient self-awareness to know that this is me. The messages of "Just get on with it" and "You're letting your partner/kids down by not driving" don't help.

Not talking about it is unacceptable and I can well understand why you are frustrated, however, unless you thinking he is faking his anxiety around driving then I think you should also try and be supportive. He needs to come to the table and engage in finding a solution though.

I am sure that there is a deep seated reason why OP's partner doesn't like driving, as alot of people will understand. The difficulty is that when the driving is predominantly undertaken by one person, the other ends up feeling resentful. It almost becomes custom and practice. IME, I know some of my friends (f) where their partner does the driving and it's almost taken for granted by my friends (my perception).
Whenever I get driven anywhere, I really appreciate it.
OP, I think you need to have some frank communication to address the issue. Otherwise the resentment will fester

But you know it and know how it feels. When you see someone driving and their knuckles are white on the wheel, you know it can't possibly be a pleasure.

My bloke insists on driving because he’s a control freak, it absolutely does my head in and is very much not appreciated.

There are treatments for driving phobia. Not from a driving instructor, but someone who treats driving phobia. I could explain it, but it would take too long, and its something for a treating therapist to discuss. You might not see how it works - but it is an established treatment with decades of research and practical application and many people who have benefited, So you may not see how it would help - but that is what the first part of any therapy is designed for - it answers those questions. If you dont want to do it, fine. But dont just discount a well established effective treatment because you dont understand it.

This does sound like a genuine phobia that has developed, but I think it’s like all phobias the only way to overcome fear is to get back behind the wheel

Could he do a few trips with you just on local roads or country lanes to start with, you come too just to start him off again to regain his confidence

I think any phobia no matter what or where it came from requires VERY gentle encouragement to overcome

This is why it is worth going to a trained therapist. There is a clear protocol for driving phobia. And yes, like all phobias, exposure is the only way to overcome it.

If it's somewhere the three of them are going anyway of course she can drive. The problem will be when he can't go to the shops, or take the dc anywhere it will be her doing the running around.
He should look at getting some help for his anxiety

Do you always bully men ffs!

He’s got a bike for going to the shops. Presumably he can catch a bus with the kids.