DP is refusing to drive, after doing it previously

[Fantatwist23]

Both me and my DP drive , when we first met he would happily drive me and him around but I would also share the load.
Now in recent years, especially since having our son he refuses to drive, he says he hates it and it gives him panic attacks.
The only reason he learnt to drive in the first place was to shut his parents up and they paid for a crash course for him.
He's actually a very careful and contentious driver, he’s never had an accident, so I don’t really understand it.
He cycles to work, which involves being on the road (which I think seems much scarier) and if he really HAS to drive he will do, but it’s a massive issue beforehand.
He said he’d rather walk, cycle or get public transport. He’s a keen walker.
But lots of places we visit are not accessible by public transport or by foot. I also want our DS to go places on days out like I did as a child - National trust, zoos etc.
We also live fairly rurally so it’s becoming a problem and I’m getting resentful. He won’t talk about it really either, so it’s like the elephant in the room most of the time.

I hate driving. I can only drive to places that I know. I get confused with lanes and directions. Can't follow a Satnav. Going anywhere new fills me with dread and panic. I would also just get public transport. Every time I get in the car with my kids I think that their lives are in hands. It's awful. I do drive the places I'm comfortable driving too and I need to for work but my husband does most of the driving when we are out and about. I know a couple of other people who have their licence and refuse to drive completely. It's not your husband being lazy or entitled, he's obviously scared. Getting frustrated isn't going to help. He probably does need to force himself a little but I completely understand the fear and panic.

Not everyone likes driving. I have good friends driving for decades and still hating it. They do it because they have no other option - 2 hours public transport to and from work, against half hour in the car.

One good friend driving over 40 years can't wait to retire to give up the car. She still gets nervous on the wheel and won't touch the car except to and from work or to buy groceries locally. Her husband always long distance or anywhere not familiar to her.

I understand that living rurally seems like he's not pulling his weight with family transport, but if he hates it, you have to accept the burden of doing most of the driving. It's part and parcel of accepting our spouses personal limitations in a marriage.

He has offered options though, public transport or cycling, which are perfectly reasonable if you don't want to drive.

I think there's a resolution some between him never driving again and urgently getting behind the wheel. I didn't learn until I was 28 because I had lessons with an awful instructor who put the fear of God in me. Luckily I moved to a city and then didn't really need to drive. Met my DH who was understanding and patient and drove us everywhere. Then when I passed I was too nervous / panicky to go anywhere for a year! Now I'm fairly confident and did the motorway for the first time last month!

OP, his panic attacks are most likely real, and it's a really difficult cycle to get out of. Have sympathy. It could just as easily be a physical condition which you wouldn't blame him for. It's good that he doesn't sound as though he's putting too much of a burden on you, so there's no imminent emergency. All you really can do is have a proper sit down conversation about why he might've begun feeling this way and why you're feeling a bit resentful. Maybe you could set some specific things in the calendar that you'd like him to drive to. Suggest beta blockers or a bit of therapy.

Ultimately though you might have to just take him as he comes. My DH can't cook so I cook. I can't go in the shed or do much gardening beyond the flower patch. (afraid of spiders!) My DH is very anxious about phoning or talking to tradespeople, so I do it. I'm afraid of driving country roads so he does it.

There's trade offs in a marriage. This might be one of them.

Growing up, my dad was also a nervous (but very careful, competent) driver.

In the end, on days out, he'd drive the first bit, when we were still on familiar roads, and close-ish to home. Then mum would take over for the last part of the journey. He always seemed to be fearful of the parking at the other end.
The only time he'd ever drive a whole journey was if it was in the dark. Mum's eyes (like mine) weren't really up to it. Fortunately, it was usually journeys he was very familiar with. Like home from his parents house, who lived an hour away.

I find driving stressful, difficult and overwhelming. In my case, there may be ADHD at play, but I find filtering all the visual information, making the right decisions quickly enough and controlling the car to make sure I'm where I need to be very, very tough. I frequently feel my body being flooded with stress hormones. I freeze and block roundabouts. I drive somewhere with lots of cyclists and pedestrians and I'm constantly terrified that I'm going to panic, not check properly and hurt someone. I'm over-confident when I should hold back and under-confident when I need to get going. My spatial awareness is poor, so I'm constantly trying to squeeze my car through spaces which look big enough but actually are rather tight. I don't always anticipate what's ahead of me properly and have caused some nasty road blocks which could have been avoided if I'd anticipated properly. My reversing skills are poor. I avoid motorways because I constantly annoy everyone by driving under the speed limit and, when I drive at the speed limit, I feel like the car is out of control and I'm going to crash. I don't make decisions in good time and have a tendency to break suddenly.

I don't really know what else to say. The roads would probably be safer without me on them. I'm trying to improve and do more driving so I can take my children more places by myself but at the moment I will only drive with another adult beside me in the car as an extra pair of eyes and in case I panic. I would never forgive myself if I hurt someone.

Driven 30 odd years .However had Cancer/Chemo a year ago.Can still pootle,but no longer drives yet .Local only for now . Is this just since DS was born? Is he nervous disposition anyway.If God forbid ,you were ill, or had an accident what would he do then? I would see if a Refresher course may help (like to do one myself!) The roads are grim but could he just do local stuff do you think .Just to ease him in gently at first

I learned to drive when I was twenty and didn’t have a problem.
Then many years later I narrowly avoided an accident when my car skidded during heavy snow . I was petrified and suddenly started having panic attacks and was reluctant to drive . However, I had three young kids who I had to drive to school and who attended numerous extra curricular activities and I simply couldn’t leave it all to dh.
So I just had to get on with it. Within a month I was fine but I no longer drive when it is snowing or raining heavily
On one hand I understand and have sympathy for op’s dh. However, I understand how frustrating it is for the op who has to take on all of the driving even though her dh can drive and prima facie does not have a ‘medical’ reason which prevents him from driving
I just think it is unfair to unilaterally decide to stop driving without trying to get some help such as therapy

Agree.

Panic attacks warrant a visit to the doctor, not a shrug of the shoulders and a "Never mind, you can just do the driving, OP".

I hate my husband’s driving and I love driving so this really wouldn’t be an issue for me. I see a lot of my female friends giving up driving because they have got out of the habit and lost confidence, I think it’s less likely with men. I certainly wouldn’t be a passenger with a panicky driver and especially if a child is in the car too.

I do most of the driving - i even drive to Scotland and back from London. My husband only does a stint if I'm tired.

I love driving on motorways in particular. My husband isn't bothered.

I think you should drop the gendered approach you have to driving and just get on with it!

What a crass remark. Hope you never have a panic attack

People do have panic attacks and the current best practice for treatment is not to tell them to “grow the fuck up”. What a truly awful person you are.

This may be harsh but to me there is something incredibly ick about a man who refuses to drive for the reasons outlined by the OP. Kind of weak somehow. Sexist comment I realise (although I think I hold the same view about women!). Fine if you have a medical issue. Also fine if you prefer not to drive for environmental reasons but just because you find it a little scary - Ick. He needs to seek help and stop being selfish because his decision has a negative impact on you.

You sound exactly the same as me!

@Fantatwist23 similar, my husband can drive, but doesn’t like it. I do 98% of the driving when both in the car. I love driving though so not really an issue, and I can see how it stresses him when he is driving.

Agreed. Its absolutely ridiculous. Being able to drive is a basic life skill. We both drive and I would hate to permanently be the designated driver.

You have no idea whether he is exaggerating or not. Your complete lack of understanding of panic attacks is horrible.

Does he have any desire to overcome his fear? It is normal to have fears, even the most irrational ones, but the key thing is whether the person wants to get better and take active steps to help their fear. I think it is rather annoying for one half of a couple to simply say they will not ever drive and leave the other person to do it indefinitely. There are lots of resources that could help him, CBT being the first one that comes to mind, as I doubt this is an uncommon fear.

Moving to a less rural location with better public transport is worth considering.

For me, driving is easiest on less busy non-motorway roads. Sometimes I have to start driving at 5am or so when there's less traffic about.

Sometimes I take less optimal routes to avoid busy roundabouts etc.

It may be your husband can build up his tolerance for driving - to the petrol station/ your local shops.

i I get it. It pisses me RIGHT off that I have to sit in fucking Volvo for hours while my car is being serviced but he gets me to drop him off and pick him up from BMW in the Village

Eh?

i know.

My husband and I drive and both our kids learned before they left school. But I don’t understand this negativity towards people who are unable to drive.

The fewer nervous drivers on the road the better surely?

If he cycles to work then his fear is of him harming someone. I understand, I'm the same myself. I know very well that my fear dates back to a kid from a childhood activity being run over and killed. My lessons were fine even though I took them much older, test passed, still had fear, bus decided to just drive straight into me and yeah, I CAN drive when it's quiet but I don't want to.

Some parts of the country are much more tricky than others, but most places you can readily get about with train, bus and either carefully timing the community buses or using a taxi... you could all cycle too in many places. If you're living 10 miles from the nearest bus then fair, he needs to sort this out, but most places then you can drive a car for the bits it's really needed - and that's what, 5 days per year as a family?

Empathy bypass alert⚠️

What a lovely, balanced, supportive view of mental illness.

Oh. Wait….