To think most men would cheat if they knew they’d never be caught?

[OneMauveMentor]

It’s not about love - it’s about opportunity, ego, and lack of consequences. “Good men” are often just men who haven’t had the chance (yet). Loyalty when untested isn’t real loyalty.

Yup.

But you can't possibly know how many of your acquaintances have cheated! It's not like they go around telling the world. There are so many stories of how people have been blissfully unaware that their partner has been cheating on them for years, so there's no way you could know who has or hasn't cheated in your social circle.

I would also say that women are generally more discreet about such matters, so that has to be taken into account too.

I would have put my life on my dh being faithful. He went looking for a "friend" and even though she lived abroad they did meet and have sex after a year of talking. Apparently he did it to make himself feel better and the reason was a stupid one which he said was my fault. Other boyfriends were all faithful.

I don’t think it’s accurate, or intellectually honest to dismiss peer-reviewed academic research just because the questions are specific. Of course they’re specific, they have to be, to ensure clarity, consent, and reliable data. That’s how rigorous research works.

There are dozens of studies in this space, all using different methodologies, populations, and definitions, and they still converge on the same uncomfortable truths. I only cited one, but it’s part of a much bigger body of evidence

It's a sample of 86 university aged men of course i can dismiss the accuracy
I would also want to know whst questions were asked and how the answers were interpreted, .

Why are so many single women having sex with married men?

I didn't know he was married. He didn't offer that information up.

I will always be suspicious of 'just a friend' in future.

I honestly don't think my ex cheated in all our time together. He never got over me doing it, carried it with him for nearly 20 years and I didn't fully appreciate the impact on him til towards the end. Destroyed his self confidence, convinced himself he was unattractive and not masculine - far from the truth, even now, separated over 2 years, he won't entertain the prospect of dating despite honestly looking better than ever in his 50's, George Clooney like, got himself fit since we split and getting a lot of attention (even from some of my friends who are married and in relationships). He doesn't drink or smoke, rarely socialises but now lives for his kids and always doing for others.

He rarely went anywhere without me. He wouldn't be capable of covering his tracks, he's incapable of discretion - he can't even keep birthdays a surprise. Never did social media, never locked his phone or anything like that. Was doting, attentive. I was an idiot, regret what I did and miss him every day. But that's the high cost of a stupid impulse, ego, opportunity, whatever you want to call it.

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It's not that we think its the same for men and women. It's just OP has but the focus on men and not mentioned women as though they don't cheat too.

It's a bit of a warped mentality to think like this too.

@PlainJaneBrain your husband sounds like a real man. It’s a pity you can’t get counselling or do magic mushrooms and put it behind you both, it sounds like he really loved you. Sorry you can’t put it right x

Absolutely not. Not every man is like this. Maybe you need to mix with better men

Thank you.

Sadly much as I love the idea of getting back together, I think we tried and failed. I take full responsibility for it even though it was a very long time ago. I hate the idea of him being with someone else but I guess sooner or later it's inevitable (although he's showing no interest at the moment and unless he slows down considerably I can't see him having the time either).

I just find this whole debate irrational. Some men will cheat, some women will, some men won't, and some women won't. I did and wish every day that I hadn't. The price has been a high one, and the fallout something we've both suffered from ever since (yes, before anyone shouts back, him much more than me).

Something else though that I think about too, my Dad was a serial cheat and parents divorced when I was in my early 20's, which I found really difficult. My mum kept his infidelity from us for like 10-12 years until they divorced.

My ex's parents on the other hand were married young and stayed together through thick and thin, over 70 years until one of them passed away. Not a hint of infidelity, big family, loads of kids, stable, happy but pretty poor financially.

I wonder whether sub consciously, our respective experiences influenced our attitudes to fidelity. Not that it's an excuse for what I did.

You don’t believe any married women cheat?!

I think family circumstances/history affect people differently.

I have a friend who found out that his mum was having an affair with his dad’s best friend. He was about 12/13, and his mum bribed him with cash and presents to keep quiet. The friend was married with kids and the two families spent quite a bit of time together. He was in a horrible position, he didn’t want to break up the family (not that it would have been his fault of course but in his head at the time), he wanted to protect his little sister, didn’t want to betray his mum but also didn’t want to lie to his dad, but didn’t know how to tell him.
Obviously it all came out in the end.

Of course you can never know for sure what someone else will do, but as much as I can be sure, I’m sure he would never cheat, especially now he has children of his own. The fallout of his mother’s affair was huge, especially for him as he’d known before everyone else.

Casual sex? Possibly. Entertaining a whole other relationship? No.

Personally I don’t think my DP would, he’s quite old fashioned and holds lots of traditional values. Marriage being one of them, for me it’s not so important hence why he is still DP after many years.

I think if Christiano Ronaldo turned up on my door step for sex, with the agreement that it would never ever be spoken out and that I’d never get caught, I might struggle to say no 🤣🤣

No sorry I meant regarding in that particular the ‘working abroad’ situation above. Most women would not be bothered with that offer is what I meant. Sorry I should have quoted the post I was referring to.

Yes but who are the men cheating with then? All single women? I remember going on work conferences and being shocked at the amount of married people (men and women) who were getting it on. Nothing really shocks me anymore but I think there’s a lot of it going on….

Dealing with one lady is enough of a life time . Romance, out to dinner , treats , gardening , decorating, helping to clean the home , dusting and hobbies , children so much more . One women is enough, you try 60 years it's a lifetimes work no spare time .hum he he

This makes me feel sad. My DH is so nice, he's so good to me. He is also very fit and attractive. I think he is very loyal but I can't imagine how surprising it would be to have an attractive woman pursue him. I like to think he would shut it down fast but who knows?

Sure but when you actually read these posts the men are full of red flags that their partner has turned a blind eye to or has low standards to start with.

Can l cheat now my wife has passed away after 59 years , and 5 years nursing her through vascular dimentia, think about that

If only it was that simple! If you ignore red flags or you have low standards it’s on you? I honestly don’t think that’s how it works, I know an awful lot of “nice” men who have or do cheat. Treat their wives well, present and constant dads, generous with both time and money and the wives have zero clue. These men just have the occasional “bit on the side” because it doesn’t mean anything to them. They always beg to stay if they get found out because they “just didn’t think” and they never had any intention of leaving. Shit, but true in my experience.