To think most men would cheat if they knew they’d never be caught?

[OneMauveMentor]

It’s not about love - it’s about opportunity, ego, and lack of consequences. “Good men” are often just men who haven’t had the chance (yet). Loyalty when untested isn’t real loyalty.

Yes absolutely especially the ones who work away. Seen it time and time again

Nowhere did I say ‘then it’s on you’. I simply mean that though many woman claim ‘I though I had a good one’, it’s clear to many others that the man in question never would have been ‘a good one’. In my experience there are always, always flags.

And in my experience, there aren’t. And you don’t have to read far on here to see the wives who had husbands who “never went anywhere”. No nights out, no weekends away, wfh……but were shagging someone on the bloody dog walk or the neighbour! The sad fact for me is that the women who are most vehement about “not my DH” are the ones most likely to be duped. I think a healthy sense of scepticism is the way forward, but even then, you never know. I know plenty of people who “would never do that” but did.

That’s cool for you, but your experience doesn’t trump mine.

Again, where did I say or imply scepticism wasn’t a good thing? I didn’t.

My post simply refers to someone claiming that yes, all men must cheat because Mumsnet is full of posts where ‘a good one’ has cheated. You read the post, and it’s clear their background is not that of ‘a good one’.

I would never think someone not going anywhere as a green flag either, or any kind of reason to think someone wasn’t or wouldn’t cheat. It’s not relevant.

You are taking my comment rather too far with an awful lot of assumptions.

My now ex h managed to cheat while only ever being at work or at home. The pricks always find a way. I wonder about his new girlfriend and why she wants this type of person. She knows more than she should about our relationship and me.

No idea how true this is but I suspect a lot of the time a woman who sleeps with a married man has self esteem issues. She cant resist a man would risk his marriage to sleep with her. It boosts her esteem. And then of course if they then get together there is the whole 'I can maybe be the girl that changes him' mindset.

I’ve said this for over 30 years. I know of at least 3 supposedly very happily married blokes who have tried it on with me over the years, one whose funeral I went to recently and you’d think he was a saint to hear the tributes. He was lovely but flawed.

@Didimum my husband was home every night (worked 9-5), never went out, didn’t work abroad, didn’t attend group all boys nights out, was a fantastic father, a great husband, he was thoughtful, kind and constantly present. To the day he crossed the first line with AP, he appeared really happy to be with me. No one thought he would ever hurt me.

He cheated.

What red flags was I missing? Did I have low standards?

Everything I said is true.

the gf he has now is since I left him so she's not cheating nor is he. She's a new widow.

I expect her mindset is poor him having to put up with her (me).

Right what's this got to do with cheating then?

I wouldn’t know, because I don’t know the man. What I am saying is that when someone on Mumsnet writes a shocked post about their ‘good one’ having cheated, there is 99.9% of the time a red flag in the description of their relationship/their behaviour.

I couldn’t compare our standards as I don’t know any details of yours. It might be the case I think they are low, yes, but I can’t say from your post.

You don’t need to get defensive because someone has a different opinion to you on someone. You’ll come across that a lot in life.

Awww @Didimum not defensive, just contradicting your (wrong) opinion. You’ll come across that a lot in life.

I am so sorry he did that. And no, you missed nothing and no, you don’t have low standards. Some people like to believe it could never happen to them, so they tell themselves, they will see the “red flags” or they have “ high standards” so of course it could never happen to them. It’s utter crap of course, designed to self soothe. The only behaviour we can control is our own, everyone else’s is up to them. And some people are decent, until they aren’t. He let you down, massively, but that is on him, not you. I hope you’ve recovered and are happy now xx

Well no, you’re just getting defensive and immature because someone expresses a different opinion to you. And yes, declaring yourself ‘right’ on a subjective opinion is very immature. There is no reason you should care if someone thinks most men would cheat or not or whether they think red flags are always visible – it’s just someone’s opinion. It’s also highly unreasonable to expect a stranger to accurately asses your partner’s green or red flags.

Good luck to you.

And women

Because he cheated on me when we were married.

Right… tbh you’ve made a sweeping generalisation and don’t like being contradicted. But I’m not derailing this thread. You’re entrenched in some ideas which have no basis in my reality or the reality of many friends who have been cheated on. Lived experience counts but you have no desire to engage with that because it doesn’t suit your narrative. That’s fine. Let’s leave it at that huh?

Agreed.

And does his current girlfriend know this? What do you mean about wondering why she is with him.

I totally disagree. If given the opportunity you could cheat and get away with it I think men and women in equal numbers would jump rather chance. I really do.

She knows all the horrible things he's done and said to me.

@Goodbyerubytuesdat thank you so much for this. It was a long time ago and I am have spent a long time healing myself and learning from what I went through. I agree with every word you write. I think it suits people to believe there are ‘red flags’ ‘poor standards’ because it helps people feel safe in their own relationships. But no one can make another person ‘happy’, happiness comes from within and you’re spot on we can’t control anyone but ourselves.

Was she a good friend of yours?

Given it would not be discovered I believe most men and women would cheat. The difference is I think women would have higher standards with whom they chose and during or after the dalliance would be a lot more discreet and better able to present an innocent facade than a man. Simply because generally woman multi task far more efficiently.

Similar thread was on here some time ago.
So what, if they would? Speaking for myself,
I'm set up for life and men are irrelevant to me, apart from the obvious societal courtesies and paid services.
The PP who came up with the rape statistics, that's worse.
Men would and do cheat. As I said in a different conversation, they come to realise hard that noone really needs them in their lives (unless practical reasons, to which I unashamedly confess I got married for, about 20 years ago).
It's just life.
All sorts would be happening, if punishments in society weren't in place.