To think most men would cheat if they knew they’d never be caught?

[OneMauveMentor]

It’s not about love - it’s about opportunity, ego, and lack of consequences. “Good men” are often just men who haven’t had the chance (yet). Loyalty when untested isn’t real loyalty.

Also, some people are never satisfied. Sorry you have been hurt x

Yes, indeed. We all know what most people on here would (and do) say about men coming out with such negative, often nasty assumptions and generalisations about women - and very rightly so; but we so frequently see women on here doing exactly the same thing in reverse.

Most people see the pathetic little men who come out with their misogynistic crap as objects of pity and disgust; not as a wise model of how to frame our thoughts the other way around.

Yes. I think almost 100% would if they got the chance with someone they fancied and knew they wouldn’t get caught.

When I was a young beautiful 20-something, you would be astonished at the married men that I had try it on with me. Including the upstanding (and often much older) men who you would never imagine in a million years to do something like that. It was eye opening.

@MrsSkylerWhite

But it wouldn’t inflict pain because the question is, would he do it if he knew that he would never be caught - which means that you would never find out.

Well, this is my take:

I don't believe that there are the same number of married and attached women on dating apps as married and attached men.

I don't know of any attached women who have set up profiles on: dating apps, FabSwingers, Only Fans or AdultWork etc behind their partners backs.

I do know dating apps are swimming in attached men, masquerading as single. Married and attached men seem to have a penchant for the other apps I mentioned above, also. Meanwhile the wife at home will say "not my Dave!"

God help them (the women).

I've also never known women to be sex tourists. But plenty of men, including those who are attached or married seem to also enjoy going to well known sex tourist hot spots with their mates for stag or lads holidays. I find it hard to believe it's for the architecture! Again, wife at home "not my Dave, I trust him!"

Yes - women sometimes cheat if they think they wont get caught. However, I find it bonkers to suggest it's at the same level as what men do.

Let's not forget that some men rape women, and they're not all single men either. No doubt those particularly vile men are damn sure they will get away with it.

Is it all men? no. Of course it isn't. Nevertheless, let's not be naive here:

We live in a world where there were 70,000 (not a typo!) men in ONE Telegram group set up for men to share tips on how to spike drinks and rape women. Something is very, very clearly wrong with the psyche of far too many men, and clearly there's some sort of moral compass missing for many - I think this is worth taking into account when thinking about the reality of what many men are really like in their overall character and considering how trustworthy they really are. When so many are capable of utterly heinous crimes, a shady shag (with an unsuspecting woman from Bumble who thinks she's just met the single man of her dreams), that they don't expect they'll caught for is nothing, is it.

I find this bizzare, as women im sure we all know how many women cheat and their partner never finds out. It goes both ways

Well I'm assuming then you choose to be single. Or date women.

Well I'm sure then that a lot of women would think the same. No one is getting hurt if no one finds out.

I dont think there is any point bringing up rape or prostitution in this debate because of course those dont normally apply to women. We are talking about cheating. Which can be a very quick spontaneous thing or be a full on affair. Men and women generally look at sex differently so I can't see sex tourism, only fans etc ever becoming as popular for the female customer. I also suspect that generally speaking men have higher sex drives than women so again more demand.

But enjoying flirting with someone, enjoying the chase, enjoying the attention, enjoying something naughty and forbidden yes that definitely applies the same to women. Slowly venturing into an affair with a work colleague or another person in your life again yes that happens all the time. Lying and cheating and being dishonest in life is not just reserved for men.

middle aged female sex tourism from white western countries is becoming an issue in Africa now

www.insidermonkey.com/blog/15-best-african-countries-for-female-sex-tourism-1172261/

Sure - cherry pick all you like! Cheating is cheating though, regardless of how it's done. Good luck!

I don’t think we can ignore the fact that the global sex industry is aimed very much at men. Sex sells to men and that is a reflection of how very different the views of men and women are when it comes to sex. Of course I know women who’ve had affairs, but they are in the main exit affairs or single women who bought the cheaters script of “my wife doesn’t understand me” and “we don’t have sex” blah blah. These married men lie because there are very few women who would accept the truth which is that they “love” their wife, and have zero intention of leaving her, they just want a bit on the side.

Exactly we are talking about cheating. It's not reserved just for men.

You did nothing wrong. The people that do this have an internal deficit, some need for validation and a deep insecurity. I am so sorry she did this but it really isn’t about you, it’s her.

Thank you for this, others have said it too, but TBH however you look at it, whatever I was/am/had/gave, wasn't enough to stop her infidelity and it will, always I suspect, feel like I am inadequate. I'm pretty sure many people who've been cheated on will say the same. But I appreciate your post all the same.

And when women are unfaithful, are they up front, i.e. "yes of course I'm married/in a relationship but I'm only shagging you, not dating you". My OH brought her colleague back to our house while I was away. I asked her whether she bothered to hide the pictures of us together, she said she didn't. I honestly don't know which is worse, hiding them or not!

I actually think a lot of men wouldn’t give a shit if a women said they were just using them for sex, they’d be all for it!
And no, you are in no way “inadequate”. No way at all. Did you lie, cheat, steal someone else’s agency, break your marriage vows? No? Then it’s on her. If she wasn’t happy in the marriage she had the right to end it. She did not have the right to shag around and hide it. That’s just shitty behaviour and a reflection of her, not you.

It never occurred to me that my OH of 16 years might be/might have been on a dating app, but then again she never had to. She found sex easily with willing men both married/in relationship and single, in social situations, out drinking, with colleagues, working away, on 'girls' holidays, even at a wedding where she told me there was no 'plus one' invite, and I'm sure others that she hasn't told me about or I haven't yet found out about.

In the meantime I wasn't on a dating app either, I was at home being boring getting older, fatter and greyer, mostly with our kids - so zero opportunities came my way.

Would I have taken them if they had? No! Because I absolutely adored her, worshipped the ground she walked on, feared losing her (and still do for some mind boggling reason).

Would I have taken the opportunities if there was no chance of getting caught? No! Because from the day I met her my only desires were for her. But now all I can think about and see in my head, is her with these skanky wide boys and the situations in which she shagged them - the back of our car, a piss stinking car park, our house, their place etc

Sounds like you're in a lot of pain OP. I do hope you find a way to get over it.

It's a high percentage but not all of them. For some it's also the thrill and they don't intend to but if they put themselves in the situation...

Personally I think it's best to go in to a relationship with a man knowing he's likely going to be unfaithful and to protect yourself.

Don't act like wife without the ring etc.

But are these representative of all women or are these events that attract women with a certain agenda? A bit like I could say "walk into a brothel and tell me it's as much women"

For those of you saying there is no harm if the cheated on person does not find out, it's common for people cheating on their partners to change toward the partner, becoming colder and more critical. Then there is always the chance of giving them an STD, with potentially deadly consequences if it's HPV or HIV. I would also argue that being lied to in and of itself is inherent harm, because your right to freedom of choice is taken away from you through deception. You would almost certainly make different choices if you knew the truth and you have the right to the opportunity to make them. Because your partner lies, you spend years, decades even, in a relationship you would not choose to be in if you knew the truth. It's theft of life and a violation of your rights, which is abusive. What you don't know can indeed hurt you.

I don’t think anyone said there is no harm if the other person doesn’t find out. I agree with you there is harm. The relationship is harmed.

But the question is would men cheat if they wouldn’t get caught, my answer is yes.

Okay, I must have misunderstood that conversation. I agree with you most would cheat if they could get away with it.

I think yanbu. I think a lot of women would too, however there are differences.

Women tend to be the main caregivers to children, and I think not wanting to hurt their children/break up the family makes them more risk adverse.

Women generally might be a bit more fussy on who they’d have sex with.

Men have bigger egos, I think ego is a huge factor with men.