To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

YABU to state it’s a “casual family bbq” then reel off a list of folks “mostly neighbours, friends, school mums and mates” as it is completely contradictory since non of these are family members.

I also don’t understand the relevance of her being child free either.

That aside, you should be catering to the needs of all your guests or not inviting them, not expecting them to cater for themselves. The friend sounds lovely offering to cater for herself saving you the hassle and cost. I imagine anything she brings will be cold or pre-cooked as I don’t know any vegetarians or vegans that would be happy having their meat free food cooked on the same grill as meat. Your DH is being a complete dick.

Preaching about food choices is annoying, but bringing your own food with no expectation of others to accommodate you is far less rude than inviting someone to a bbq and giving them the choice of eating something they don’t want to or starving. Is your dh always this vile?

I have been in a similar situation although without the husband.

She refused a vegan dish I suggested and arrived with her Tupperware of beans, grains and weird sprouty things, picked and poked at it ( refused my offer to decant into a bowl) and generally cast a damper.

Also appeared to have some sort of contamination phobia as she arrived with a small backpack which she handed to me, and I set down on the floor next to her. She got very upset at that.

The poor woman had significant issues and I think the veganism was a symptom of that. I think a hearty barbecue was just too much for her.

There's nothing weird or wrong with bringing your own food if the host isn't providing something that fits your usual diet. However, if she makes a point of saying impolite things about non-vegan food, I can see why you husband doesn't want her there. I don't want someone talking about meat being murder while I'm tucking into a burger. So it really depends on what your friend is like. I wouldn't rescind an invitation, but if she does start saying something, I'd change the subject or pull her aside and ask her to give it a rest. And I wouldn't inviter her to my meatfests again.

That’s what I was going to ask.

Your H is a prick, by the way @BBQDramaQueen

What do her reproductive choices have to do with her food choices?

Fine to bring your own food. It's all very easy to say OP should have catered separately but if she's a militant vegan she won't want "her" food anywhere near the other food or in a position where some meat fumes may waft across it - separate barbecue, separate tools, separate plates. Pain in the arse, far better she brings something else.

However if she does start making remarks about dead aniumals that is very out of order.

I don't see why the fact that she doesn't have children is relevant to anything.

If she's such an annoying preachy vegan that she is constantly going to lecture everyone about dead animals, you shouldn't have invited her to the BBQ. You did invite her, so presumably she's not that bad. In which case, not allowing her to bring her own food would be incredibly rude of you.

Yep, sounds like OP and her DH have pigeon holed this woman to death. Child free and vegan.

Four love, I got Accused on this post of serving people a couple of leaves,that would be starving,I'm treating them like children
Have already said I cook veggie burgers from scratch which are completely suitable for vegans, they are extremely Labour intensive. I wonder how many posters actually cook the beef burgers from scratch!I have a friend with a serious egg allergy, which is a challenge as nothing must cross contaminated..

So DH expects her to break her (guessing) 30 year commitment to not eating meat for your BBQ? He sounds well thick

This. What a judgey thing to say when it’s clearly irrelevant to the issue. If you know she’s vegan and you are inviting her then you should cater for her ie tell her no need to bring her own food as you’ll have something available, ask her what she likes if unsure. If however she is going to bang on about veganism in front of the other guests and has form for that you shouldn’t have invited her to a bbq in the first place as that’s just plain annoying for all involved. I’m fairly big on animal rights and also a vegetarian but I’ve had to unfriend a vegan friend before as every single meal she’d make a song and dance of it - oh that ham sandwich/cheese/roast dinner looks so delicious, I just WISH I could eat it, cue other people asking why she couldn’t and the whole lengthy spiel. Infuriating and attention seeking.

Your DH is an arsehole

What an awful man your DH is.

Goodness, as a childless single woman I knew I was a bit of a pariah, but thanks for confirming it.

I thought this.

Agreed. Not a great friend by not providing food she can eat and even worse telling her not to bring her own !!

You and your husband should have discussed the guest list before inviting anyone. Now you cannot withdraw this friend's invitation without being, or at least appearing to be, just as rude as him (and as ignorant, if she discovers the reason). Don't invite her again, though, as it's not fair to her since she's so unwelcome.

All of this.

Your DH is being a terrible host. She’s your guest and it’s your job to ensure your guests feel welcome and are treated well.

Yes. Preaching about how everyone should eat meat is very annoying indeed, I agree.

You should be catering for her as good hosts and why are you being so rude about her child status, what does it matter?!

Really odd to invite a vegan friend to a meal and not provide vegan food options. Of course she should be able to bring her own food if you’re not providing anything suitable, it’s not rude at all. Your DH’s comment was silly because she obviously isn’t going to eat what’s provided. I assume she’s not that preachy or you wouldn’t have invited her/she wouldn’t have agreed to come to a meat barbecue

An adult should deftly be able to handle any conversation and especially one so benign like food. If you are uncomfortable eating animals or feel the need to explain then maybe examine your own food choices and ethics. Otherwise you just say that’s nice like any other polite person, and let it go.

Why is it relevant that they are child free? Your DH is a dick

Can you even trust your dh to make your guests welcome? Given his stinking attitude.