To tell a child-free friend not to bring a vegan meal to my BBQ?

[BBQDramaQueen]

Hosting a casual family BBQ next wknd, mostly neighbours, school mums, a few mates, nothing fancy. Got the usual sausages, burgers, chicken etc. One of my oldest friends (childfree, v into animal rights, been vegan since forever, v vocal about it) asked if she can bring her own food. I said yeah fine, no biggie.

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Tbh she can be a bit preachy but I’d rather that than her not come. Also not sure why anyone else would care what she’s eating unless they’re being nosy? But now I’m wondering if I was too quick to say yes.

AIBU to let her bring her own food? Or is DH right that I should’ve said no and it’s a bit off to bring your own stuff to a BBQ if you don’t have allergies etc?

Your husband is the issue here not your vegan friend. It's great she's going to bring her own food so you don't even have to worry about catering for her, does your husband not like said friend??

If you’re providing food as hosts, you need to provide a good vegan option. She’s kindly avoided you needing to do this by offering to supply her own vegan option. A less obvious way would be for her to bring a dish and she can combine some of your options which just happen to also be suitable for a vegan (I tend to usually have salad/bread/rice etc as sides) to hers on a plate

However she shouldn’t be preaching about reasons she’s vegan. A small comment of ‘I’m vegan so it’s sometimes it’s easier if I bring something’ is enough if someone asks why she’s brought food. A big group get together is not the place to be pushing her personal opinion on how someone should eat when it’s not been asked

You are rude for not catering to an invited dinner guest.

Your friend has been incredibly considerate by saying she will cater for herself to save you any trouble or consideration for her at all. Your DH sounds like a selfish dick. Says a lot about him. Is he one of those?

I’d bet real money that he talks to her unprompted about how much he loves bacon.

Your DH is being a dick.

I think you should at least also provide some vegan side dishes for her and some vegan burgers or something - it’s not hard.

I think your husband resents her because she is not burdened with children and because she cares about her health enough to forego the gustatory pleasures of the flesh.

I'd have said "yeah sure" and thought nothing more of it. I just think of they're my friend and I like them I would be supportive of them being vegan and if bringing their own food made them happy then that's fine and I would want my husband to step back because it's my friend and he just needs to be concerned about supporting me.

Being vegan is very much a lifestyle, food is a big part of life and socializing and it sounds like her veganism stems from her beliefs/values. She may be being preachy but she also may just be being herself. I don't see why she would have to "hide" or tone herself down because it makes other people feel uncomfortable. Obviously I have never been around her though so I can't say.

YANBU - my DC have coeliac disease and so we have to take a packed lunch / our own food EVERYWHERE because (understandably) people don’t understand the risks of cross contamination and hidden gluten exposure risks.

Your husband sounds awful

I think it’s ok to ask her not to mention anything negative about the meat though.

First post nailed it.

I was vegetarian for a long time and tbh I dreaded going to non veggie houses for food because attempts to cater for me were usually not the best. Once I was actually served two boiled potatoes and a block of cheddar. I would have offered to bring my own food to make it easier for the host and so I knew I'd get something decent and that I could actually eat. So I think it's very normal and actually courteous of her to offer. I'd let her bring her own or make sure you're offering her something suitable that meets her needs. If she's prone to lecturing then I'd be ready to jump in and shut it down gently and move the convo along.

I have been vegan for nearly 50 years and although I don't like the thought of other people eating animals I have learnt to know when to keep my views to myself. Will gladly talk about veganism if asked. I am 100% unpreachy and love to cook so have always made tasty vegan food and shared it with work colleagues and neighbours in the remote hope that they will love it and think "Oh I could go vegan" although I never mention this ulterior motive!

However I do have a newly vegan friend who, if we walk past a stall cooking meat, will pull a face and loudly say "yuk, that smells disgusting". I often have bbqs and if my adult children's partners or my grandson are coming I will let them bring meat and cook it (I can't bring myself to buy it). I don't invite my friend as I don't trust her not to either comment on the meat smelling/looking repulsive or be a bit preachy.

So I can see your husband's point of view. I think he is unreasonable to not want someone to bring their own food but if your friend is going to be commenting on what other people are eating then she will spoil the day so she shouldn't be invited.

Its fine for her to bring vegan food but not to make comments about others food. If she attends she has to keep quiet about her personal beliefs.

While I think it's rude to invite someone knowing they are vegan and not provide some vegan choices, by the same token I think it's incredibly rude to object to a salad if that's what's been provided by my host.

After all, it's one meal FFS. Just be polite and focus on enjoying the company.

People always say this about vegans - and I will preface this by saying I am a meat eater. But in my experience what usually happens is people find out there is a vegan in the mix and begin loudly talking about how much they love meat, declaring how the fat and juices give the best flavour. They’ll do this not only in front of the vegan but directly to them, usually saying things like “your pretend meat can never be as good as the real thing.”

All the vegan says in response is “That’s fine, but for me it’s not just about the taste. I don’t like eating animal flesh, or knowing an animal had to die for me to enjoy my meal.”

Suddenly the meat eaters are up in arms, how dare this vegan remind them where their meal came from.
”Typical vegan trying to preach!”

Again, as a meat eater - if you can’t sit with and accept where your meal came from maybe that’s a you problem. If you’re going to confront someone about their meal you can’t get pissy when they react or defend their own stance.

From OP’s posts her DH is absolutely one of these meat eaters.

Of course she should bring her own food! Personally I supply meat and vegan choices to my guests. If she starts preaching though, that would be very wrong

do i need a child to attend your bbq then

aside from that your dh is a dick and judgemental but then you sound it too

DH now saying it’s actually rude of her and it’ll put ppl off eating their food if she’s sat there going on about lentil sausages and dead animals (his words not mine lol). He reckons if we’re hosting, she should just eat what’s provided or not come. I said she obviously can’t eat what’s provided and she wasn’t making a fuss, just asked. He thinks I should message and say no now.

Agree that DH is being a tw@.

Let her bring what she wants. I'd pick up one of those little disposable BBQ's for her (they're under a fiver in B&M) and let her crack on.

You'd be well in your rights to shut it down if she starts preaching to your guests, but expecting her to eat what she's given is ridiculous.

Another goady thread where the OP posts once…

They do seem to be on the increase.

Which is a shame because I really would like to know what her being childfree has got to do with it all

This isn't real but if it was I'd be embarrassed to be married to such an insufferable twat.

If she has been vegan since whenever then she probably would get ill eating meat.

Does your dh think that her food might look a little more appetising than the same old charred meat that usually gets served at a BBQ

Well said @4forksache that's what happed with ppl I know too. When younger I tried being a vegetarian, but its not for me. I don't eat much meat but I eat it. But I would like better treatment of animals.

Don't they just!

The themes are awfully predictable, too.

Bringing her own food is fine as long as she isn't judgemental about what everyone else is eating.

Hahahaha what an absolute prat your husband is!