AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I probably would've picked him up to be fair.

But I'd be fucked if I'd be making him a sandwich.

He's 12, he should've made it himself and told you to go back to bed.

I don’t think you were unreasonable, @WhiteWidowWithAttitude. Like you, we have always wanted our children to know that they can ring me or dh, if they need help. Frankly, I’d rather risk a few unnecessary trips than risk them being in a properly bad situation and feeling they couldn’t call us.

I might have said “Can you give it another half an hour or hour and see if you get to sleep/feel better, and if you aren’t, I’ll come and get you” - but that might have meant you being woken up again, even later, so I can understand why you didn’t do that.

God forbid we want to make sure our kids are happy and comfortable. Some mental replies on here

Team Friend here. Resilience is taught.

Why not teach kids to sit with mild discomfort and learn to cope with it instead? All the opportunities this kid will miss out on in life because mummy has taught him "I don't like it" is a reason to run away.

Definitely mollycoddling. Picking up from an activity he wanted to do and then make him a sandwich 😂😂 at twelve?! Resilience is taught. He sounds very babyish to have been upset by one friend going home early. Homesick when he is away a few streets and a few hours. Don’t you want to teach him to enjoy himself and have fun instead of being tethered to the homebase at the tiniest whiff of freedom?

You did absolutely the right thing. Your child wanted to come home- to their own home where they feel safe, loved and comfortable. Your friend needs to keep her sticky beak out of it. What decent parent wouldn’t go to their child if they called in the middle of the night?

Yes, I’d had one glass of wine (you know it’s perfectly possible to have one glass of wine with friends, even when said friends are kicking on, and stop, right?). I’m a paramedic, and know fine well when and when not to drive.

And, given my username, this isn’t probably a huge drip feed, but I’m fairly recently widowed, so I wouldn’t have gone away overnight, or had too much to drink if my kids were away overnight because I don’t have any backup or support.

Also, given my children’s situation, it’s highly unlikely that any of their friends would laugh at them for wanting to go home (not that they would have regardless, they’re all good kids).

If it had been my 12 year old I'd have been more worried about how bad mannered my child seemed - not eating the food, refusing to stay because his friend had gone home. But I'd have got him too - because I'd have been worried those might not be the real reasons and he was feeling weirded out about something. I'd have been irritated but gone & got him. If my friend spoke to me at length like that about my parenting I'd avoid her. She could be right or wrong - but if I wanted a passive aggressive lecture about my shortcomings I'd call my own mother.

@Fragmentedbrainand likewise, why not pick up if you can. We’ve got indifferent opinions, that’s fine but using the word “mummy” to belittle the kid is unnecessary

I believe OP said it was a text not a call.

I've just seen your post OP - being recently widowed and getting your son and erring on side of "let him come home" makes perfect sense to me

Well that is a bit of a drip feed tbh.

Recently bereaved child - yes would pander considerably (and friend is being a bitch).

Ordinary child - no that sort of thing is weird.

I agree with all of this. I feel you should have tried to talk him down, reassured him and said you would be there early in the morning. You didn't even know whether he was upset, he could have just not liked the firmness of his pillow. As it was, he was a bit hungry and a bit homesick.

If my daughter had rung me in floods of tears, yes, I would have gone and got her, but to wake the other parents up at midnight to leave a sleepover (poor lad who's sleepover it was) it seems excessive and a little embarrassing. I'd be apologising to them in spades.

Would your friend have stayed somewhere when she wasn’t comfortable (no matter the reason)??

I would have done what you did - I’ve picked my DC up from sleepovers at all times of the day and night and would do it again. They trust you implicitly and you’re their safe space, you did the right thing and your friend is a pain, is wrong and should keep her opinions to herself.

This I always had a cut off time when I hosted sleepovers for the kids to call parents to go home. After that though, they waited until morning.

Just read this. Puts a whole different perspective on things, yes of course you would go and get him it's a totally different scenario to the one you first described. I'd still be apologising to the parents though.

And, given my username, this isn’t probably a huge drip feed, but I’m fairly recently widowed,

It's a massive drip feed actually.

Goodness some of these replies.

I would have also collected my child, even if they were older then 12. They need me I’m there, end off.

Your friend is weird and it’s none of her business. I tell my child I will always pick you up, no questions asked no matter what age. If I was you I would look at it from another perspective, you have such a great relationship with your child they feel comfortable to ask you to collect them in the middle of the night rather than tell them off or no.

I had my 4 year old DGS overnight recently. At one point he said that he missed mummy. It didn't even occur to me to immediately run him home. I just reassured him etc and he got over the moment and was fine. If he had got seriously upset it would of course have been different.

If I had been your friend OP I would probably have been internally rolling my eyes, but I would never have said anything - not my child, not my business.

I didn’t connect your username to a real life event.

I’d say that actually your child needs a bit of mollycoddling right now, so I’ve changed my opinion - I don’t agree with her at all and think she’s a twat for being so unkind about a recently bereaved child, and about you too, as her recently bereaved friend.

I think there is some middle ground. I wouldn't have immediately gone to collect him as soon as he rang. I would have asked him why he wanted to come home. After he explained his reasons re: not liking the food on offer and his friend leaving, I would have tried to talk him through his concerns and give him some ideas about how to handle the situation. Obviously, it wouldn't be a long drawn out conversation, just a few minutes of chatting. If he was adamant that he wanted to come home after that, then I would have gone to retrieve him.

I also think your friend should have kept her beak out since it's really none of her business. But do you think she has a point? Are you a bit of a helicopter parent? Children need freedom and independence (far more than most children receive these days, alas). Those things help build confidence and self-esteem. If their parents are overly protective and limit opportunities for independence, children can grow up anxious about the world around them and uncertain how to cope.

I would have told her to mind her own business and keep her opinions to herself.

Well that’s a massive drip feed. Of course a bereaved child changes the situation.