AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

If my child asked to come home from a sleepover for any reason I would go and get them, provided I had the means to go and collect them.

If I wanted to come home then I would simply come home, my child should be allowed to do the same. If it kept happening then I would have a chat with them about staying late and me collecting them at around 11pm so they could sleep at home.

I agree.

I would have, and have done, the same...many times.

Aforementioned children are now very independent, and the eldest at 14 will go off for training camps away from us for a week or so without a backwards glance.

All of our kids have been told if they ever need to come home we will make it happen.

I always want my kids to know that no matter what they can call me for help. The little things reinforce it in case big things come along later. You did exactly the right thing.

And I agree with this too. We have always said to our teenagers that even if they fuck up, we will rescue them first and talk about it later.

I'm with you op. I'd have done the same.

As your older one has shown, this approach means they will call on you in a riskier situation even if it's of their own making. You've shown them you are always there for them and they trust that you will be.

Your friend was rather rude being so outspoken and judgy. It's not really any of her business and even if those are her thoughts what did she think she'd achieve by sharing them with you?

😦 !!

First post nailed it!

OP could have asked her son if something bad was happening. If it had been, he could have just said “yeah” without anyone knowing what he was talking about. You’re creating a false dichotomy - either parents cater to their child every time the child is mildly discontented, or they’re creating distrustful kids who won’t tell their parents about abuse because they know their parents won’t listen to them. 🙄

I would have asked (just in case it was a silly reason or alternatively something serious) but YANBU to go get him if he was unhappy to stay.

Yes, occasionally she has made a jokey comment about me being “a bit of a helicopter parent”, but this is the first time I’ve felt like she was actually attacking/questioning my parenting decision.

maybe last time you share a bed with her then?

She thinks your a helicopter mollycoddler and clearly has done for some time, however for some reason let rip this morning.

I wouldn’t be inviting her over for cocktails and to share my bed anytime soon!

I’m shocked that OP drove when it was five streets away!

Agreed!

Really? You'd have walked it at midnight or whatever to walk back with a tired 12 year old and all their stuff?

Could also have been long streets 😂

Divided on whether you should have picked up or not. Not divided on your friend, she should butt out, nothing to do with her and I would be reviewing if I want to continue the friendship. Sometimes you keep your gob shut whatever you think of a situation

I would have done the same as you.

I'd just ignore it op.

Lazy parents like to throw words like 'mollycoddling' around a lot. It makes them feel bad to see you giving a shit about your sons well being.

You will have a lovely relationship with your son when he is an adult. Children who feel secure often feel more able to be more independent.

Ynbu. I’ve done the same. Good parenting.

@Catherine3436 @Barrenfieldoffucks @Lookuptotheskies - I think what you have all said is exactly what I’m trying to instill in my kids (and hopefully what I have done so far) - if I show them that I’ll show up for them no matter how small (or if it’s of their own doing, or “irrelevant” in the small scheme of things), then when it comes to the big things, they can call on me no matter what, and ill be there. That doesn’t mean they can call me every Saturday at 03:00 because there are no Ubers and treat me like a cab, but they know that if they feel they need me, then I’ll be there, and that starts with midnight calls at 12yo from sleepovers that they don’t want to be at any more.

I’m honestly now feeling that I wasn’t being U in how I reacted to my son’s situation, more questioning whether my girlfriend was being U in how she reacted/judged me in the situation. Regardless, she is still a close friend who I don’t want to lose over it.

I would think exactly what your friend said but I wouldn't say it. I suspect you were also driving over the limit ("one glass" hm) and she probably knew that.

Overall I think this sort of thing is why kids are growing up with terrible emotional coping skills and it does them no favours in the long run (homesick staying a few minutes away?!).

I would have done the same and have done for a teen of mine before!

What would you have done if you had been away overnight with your friends and not 5 minutes away? What would you have done if you'd had too much to drink and couldn't have collected him? In this situation, yes, you were able to collect him, but there might be a time he's on a sleepover and you can't. I wouldn't have just collected, no questions asked. I'd have wanted to know why he wanted collecting, especially at midnight.

Age 12 - no I wouldn’t pick up unless illness and I don’t think my kids would have asked at that age anyway especially so late.
I believe you are molly coddling your child and it’s not good for them, hope their friends don’t laugh at your child.
However, your friend should have kept quiet/been more tactful when giving her opinion.

I probably wouldn't have collected either (unless unwell or full on distressed) but that's no bearing on what you feel is right for your family dynamic.

Your friend was rude and overstepped. It's none of her business what YOU decide is the right thing for YOUR child. It did not affect her one jot.

Looking on Google maps for accuracy, it’s a 3 minute drive or a 16 minute walk. I wouldn’t have fancied a 30 minute round walk at midnight with his stuff in my pjs and coat. (And to answer someone else, I’m not in the UK, it’s currently 5 degrees here 🤣).

I would have gone without hesitation OP, who cares what your friend thinks he isn’t her DC so her opinion is entirely irrelevant.