AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I’d have told mine to go to stay and go to sleep.

at 12 they need to learn to get on with it.

i hope you didn’t disturb the whole house by collecting him.

You WERE judged. But if you’re confident in your decision why are you giving it headspace?

Would people just tell their child to be quiet and go to sleep without any concerns or curiosity that the message or phonecall may have been phrased to not cause offence or escalation if something worrying was happening?

I agree with your friend. He’s in secondary school. It does sound like you baby him

Seeing as you ask, I think you were totally wrong.

12 is old enough to make a decision about what you are going to do and stick with it.

And being a bit hungry overnight isn’t the end of the world.

You just don’t build resilience by not ever facing consequences.

And also, I have got out of my bed at 0330 before to pick up my 19yr old who found themselves in an uncomfortable situation (or their own making btw), yes it inconvenienced me. Yes I gave the talk about making sensible decisions, but to be honest, I was just grateful that they felt able to message me and ask for my help rather than remain in a potentially unsafe/uncomfortable situation, and they are still perfectly able to manage their lives well the rest of the time, and haven’t been shunned or mocked by their friends for being “mummy’s boy”.

The host parents weren’t bothered in the slightest, and there were still quite a few (very active and awake) sleepover participants when I took my son home.

I think you babied him, but my children had sleepovers from very young so I take a different approach.

I would have done exactly the same as you OP. Literally the only thing that struck me as odd is that you put on boots and a coat! Must be cooler where you are, even at 11pm last night it was roasting. Ignore your friend. You were right to fetch him. Imagine ringing a parent for help and them refusing. I wouldn’t never let that happen.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting
I suspect its not the first time she's felt the same and this time, probably due to the time of the night and tiredness, it just came out.

I had a friend exactly like you and I did find it hard to keep quiet. I managed it but I think she knew how I felt. In the end, our kids are now young adults. Hers is still at home, sorsnt know what to do, o ly works 10 hours a week, and she is still coming up with a million excuses.

Saying that, if you have a 21yo who is independent and happy, I can understand thinking you are doing right by your youngest. Saying that, it's common for the older kids to say themselves that the last child of the family is being treated like a baby!

You wouldn’t have at least asked??!

You’d have said that, ended the call and managed to fall back to sleep??

I mean I’d have done the same as you with your 12 year old (although I’d have asked why!)

but your example of your 19 year old in an unsafe situation at 3.30 isn’t really comparable to this is it?

Would people just tell their child to be quiet and go to sleep without any concerns or curiosity
I'd definitely have asked what was wrong. They would never have called me for the reasons cited by OP though because they'd know I'd tell them they weren't good enough for me to get out of bed!

Your son knows you have his back; you did the right thing. He'll remember you came and took him home late at night - he'll feel safe, and loved; not mollycoddled!

Disagree

Your friend shouldn’t have said anything, but I don’t think it was a good idea for you to automatically go and get your son. His best friend left, he was homesick, and he was hungry because he didn’t like what was served for dinner? I think it would have been in his best interests to leave him there and let him learn that he has the resilience to deal with those things without having to be “saved” by an adult.

Ah well, at least they know where they land on your priority list.

I agree with your friend but I wouldn’t have said anything. He’s your child and you can do whatever you feel is best.

I’m with the friend . He just sounds a bit meh . Is he spoilt as the youngest , 12 isn’t a baby .

You know your child. It's not any of your friend's business what you decide to do.

I’d of asked why first. A little hungry and one friend had left was hardly mum I feel uncomfortable and need to leave now situation.

Id of probably still picked them up but I’d also not be okaying the next sleep over till they had a bit more resilience tbh. Not finding the food the best and loosing a member of a large sleepover gathering is pretty standard.

Very different to a 3:30 dangerous situation or even a drank too much to drive at even 25 and needing a rescue.

Ah well, at least they know where they land on your priority list
They do indeed. I would move the earth for them if they were suffering physically or mentally and they know it, but a decent night sleep when I work long hours and I'm knackered will indeed come before a tantrum. They've learned to differentiate before genuine concerns and small temporary bothers.

He wasn’t ever “unsafe,” though. He was hungry and homesick and wished his best friend hadn’t left, but he wasn’t in any kind of danger.

When I was fourteen, I had my parents pick me up from a sleepover because the girl hosting it was sneaking boys I’d never met before into the house at one in the morning. That was a potentially unsafe situation, and if OP’s son has been dealing with friends who were using drugs or wanting to sneak out or something, I think we’d all agree that she should pick him up. But sometimes in life, we’re homesick or hungry or missing a friend. And twelve years old is old enough to learn that you can be resilient enough to deal with that for another several hours until you get picked up in the morning.

I wouldn't be impressed if a sleepover guest decided they needed to leave at midnight, in I'd be asleep myself so probably pretty annoyed! My dd had a friend to stay last night, 11, and her mum texted me to say tell G shes definitely staying cos I'm having a beer! At 12, they should get on with and stay barring a medical emergency IMO

He doesn’t sound the most resilient of 12 year olds to be missing you after just a few hours and wanting to disturb his friends household and your gathering for you to come and get him at midnight. I’m surprised he wanted to leave because one friend left- I think as a parent I’d feel a bit sorry for the host child in this situation. I’d understand more if he had a more pressing reason for needing to leave eg being unwell. But just missing you when it’s not even been half the night at 12 isn’t so necessary. Had he stayed he might have had a brilliant time and been so proud of himself to realise he can manage a whole night without you even when he feels a little bit homesick.

@Mercibocoh give over, I was reading replies and formulating my reply, despite what you might thing, your cynical passive aggressive shit didn’t summon me back.

She knew what I had and hadn’t had to drink - she knows me well enough to know I wouldn’t jump in the car after 4 Long Island ice teas!!

Yes, occasionally she has made a jokey comment about me being “a bit of a helicopter parent”, but this is the first time I’ve felt like she was actually attacking/questioning my parenting decision.

No, I shouldn’t care what she thinks, but sometimes it’s easy to question yourself.

And to answer some others - I didn’t think for a minute that he might have been experiencing abuse or anything as if that had been a concern of mine, then I wouldn’t have let him go in the first place. I just knew he wasn’t happy and wanted to come home. And that was enough for me to go and get him.

I do take on board that being a bit hungry and out of his comfort zone might not have been an emergent situation, but my feelings are that I just want my children to know that if they need me there then I’ll be there. I don’t think they need to have a massive emergency to know that, and it irked me that my good friend would criticise me for it.