AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I always discussed times away from home in advance with my children.

One was desperate to go to PGL quite young (10 or 11 I think). I told him that if I paid he had to stay two nights. After that, if he didn’t like it, I would come and get him.

I am not sure he had a great time, but I kept offering to pick him up (after the 2nd night) and he kept staying no, so he got through the whole week.

He loved telling all the stories of what happened there and it built huge resilience in him. He learnt that, regardless of whether it was his type of place or people, he had the strength to cope.

Sometimes you have to be a parent which means thinking what is better for a child long term, rather than just pandering to what they want in the moment.

As to whether I would venture this opinion to a friend; I probably wouldn’t! Their child, their call. But I guess it does depend on the friendship.

A lot of people said the OP WNBU prior to that, so not for everyone.

Again, no parents (other than me) were woken. Everyone (kids and parents alike), were still awake. His closest friend had recently left, and he felt lonely and uncomfortable. He didn’t refuse the dinner, just didn’t eat much of it because he didn’t really like it and was really hungry but felt too shy to ask for anything else. He felt homesick, and wanted to come home.

But I honestly feel that that is all pretty irrelevant. He wasn’t happy, wasn’t comfortable and wanted to come home. And I was happy and able to facilitate that, and that was enough for me to want to do that.

The reason I mentioned being widowed, wasn’t to justify my reasons for picking him up, it was to point out the fact that I wouldn’t be off on a jolly, drunk off my head and unable to collect him, and that his friends would give him some grace and wouldn’t ostracise him as a mummy’s boy for wanting to go home!

Absolutely…. Your his mum nd he needed you…he’s 12 not 22 !!

I just saw the added information about the child having recently lost his father. That does put a different construction on things. I would certainly be extra attentive to a bereaved child. I still think that encouraging independence is essential, but a young boy who is grieving for his father needs careful handling. He may actually have been feeling anxious about you even though he didn't say that. Being away from you for the night could have made him suddenly fear that he would lose you too, an irrational feeling but an entirely understandable one under the circumstances.

Ffs...the OP has said several times everyone was still up and awake. The host parents were sympathetic to his feelings and had no issue with his leaving.
It appears he has just lost his dad cut him some slack.

I think you were right to go. If my child called, at any age and at any time in the night, I would go and get them. No reason required. X

I’ve picked up mine early from sleepovers. They weren’t mollycoddled, just aware that they had choices. They are 29 now and fine.

@WhiteWidowWithAttitude
I'd have done exactly the same as you. Always told my children that if they needed me, I'd be there, no matter what. They're adults now - but I'd be in the car and on my way in a heartbeat if they needed me. If you had said 'No' to your child on this occasion, he might not trust you to say 'yes' on future occasions.

Since your update I completely get why you would've rushed to get him. So would I.

But before that however, I would’ve said you were babying him and agree with your friend. He could’ve been told to just get on with it as there was no real issue. At 12 he can’t just give up when situations don’t suit him. And it’ll teach him to eat when he gets the opportunity rather than leaving it.

Don’t be hard on your friend. She was half asleep. And she was half right.

OP I'd have done exactly the same. 12 is hardly an adult, it was a short drive away and you were home.

I’ve gave done the same. My daughter went on one at a similar age and got really homesick. After that I said no more and that if she did she’d have to commit to staying there .

I don't think you should have left your friends and gone out for that. Your kid should have just gone to sleep. People need to learn a bit of resilience and that would have been a good opportunity as it wasn't exactly a terrible situation he was in, was it?

He’s just lost his father
you have just lost your husband

and you’re very close friend behaves like this?

OP, get. New. Friends

Don't berate me for not reading the full thread, when you haven't read my next comment. Yes agreed a young lad who has just lost his dad, would bound to feel unsettled. Losing someone at that age is awful, I didn't have all the information when I wrote my response. A bereaved son who wants to come home, changes the dynamic immensely.

I can see both sides. It's not nice to get a text to ask if you can go pick them up as if you can't you would just worry.

for me though, if I was in that exact situation, my response would have had to be "I'm sorry I can't, I've had a drink".

no way would have I got in a car, after a drink and while exhausted, and driven to pick him up because he was a little homesick and hungry.

I would also worry that given his age, he's opened himself up to a world of teasing from his peers.

I’m with the friend. Wouldn’t have said anything but would have thought you were over indulgent and he was being wet.

I think you're a great mum.

Your so called friend needs to keep her uncalled for opinions to herself.

I’ve done that with my 19 year old too when the friend she went clubbing with miles away went off with a boy and left her in a club on her own! I’ve always said I don’t care what time it is or where they are or what they’re doing , if the feel uncomfortable to call me.

I think you are a wonderful Mother & exemplary.

Your child knows he can rely on you, what a safe and great feeling for a kid.

sleepovers are statistically high risk for sexual abuse. Thats unlikely why he wanted to leave but the point is that you’ve set a good precedent. Your son knows that in any situation you’re there if he feels uncomfortable & he doesn’t need to qualify it.

Even if it was the case he just had the creeps or his friend made him feel uncomfortable or upset him then so what ? As adults we would leave if we wanted, so why should your child be stuck sleeping there.

Your friend is interfering and being domineering. I think you absolutely did the right thing - your son will be reassured that you will always be there for him if he feels uneasy or upset by a situation, and he won't feel bad about asking you - this will be invaluable in the future as he grows up and the 'situations' can become more risky.
Tell your friend to mind her own business.

He doesn’t sound ready enough for sleepovers at present.

You sound like an amazing mom to me x

Its not anyone else's business. He is your child and you know what's best for him.
Its sounds like you have a good relationship with him .

I understand your reasons OP and it’s your judgement to make but am aware that many children aren’t enabled to problem solve for themselves. As a result we undermine their agency and ability to know they can manage, and overcome, situations they dislike. Adults often rescue children too soon and it really isn’t a good thing.