AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Um…,

If any my children want to come home at anytime I will go and get them. They need to know they can rely on you. It’s not mollycoddling at all.

@AuntyHistamine @Lactofull In my defence, if the OP had mentioned the tragic loss of her sons father in the original post, I wouldn't have said what I did, as I doubt would many others.

While I agree that children of whatever age should be confident that their parents will be there for them when needed I think in this particular case I would probably have asked more questions of my child before jumping into the car. And possibly have spoken to the Mum who was giving the sleep over. Was it not possible to simply reassure him and promise to be there first thing in the morning?

As I’ve said a few times, my children only have me. If they’re on a residential or an overnight somewhere that isn’t within easy walking distance for me, then I just don’t drink or make myself unavailable.

If I had happened to have more than just the one drink that night, I would never have just “jumped in the car”, I’d have walked the 15 minutes it would have taken to collect him, or in a true medical emergency, one of my colleagues would have been with him before I could even get there.

When you don’t have dad, or gran and grampa, or aunties etc to rely on, you have to think very carefully before letting your hair down and consider all the alternatives, despite how unlikely they may be.

You sound like a great mum. Whether 12 or 21, for them to know that we will have their backs, is I believe, invaluable.

You’re talking about back in the day !
We’re not back in the day , It is not safe to walk 5 blocks at 12 at night , are you crazy !!!!
He’s 12 years old for God’s sake ..
You could bump into anyone, it’s not that I have this negative attitude, always presuming the worst , it’s about not being careless & minding our children ….

Personally I think it’s more important that your children feel secure and know that they can trust you to collect them from a situation where they’re not 100% happy!…
The impact
of you ignoring his text or saying you won’t collect him could just make him decline sleepover invites in future!
My response to your friends rude judgements would’ve been something along the lines of ‘oh well, that’s your opinion!’…. Or even ‘Thanks for your opinion but I didn’t ask for it!!’… or ‘ah well they’re only kids once!’….
My DD has done sleepovers & both stayed all night and been collected early.. like you say, if they want to come home early they should be allowed to. I’m 48 & if I was away but wanted to return home early I would!!

I would have done exactly the same thing.

I hope you're also delivered as well from situations and relationships that has tormented you so much to be this vile and unreasonable on the opinions of a stranger that your input was not asked for, or did I ask for your input or how you feel about my opinions?? Your feelings about my opinions are irrelevant, they're your cup of tea, enjoy it in your house.
Just like everyone else I gave my opinions about now & when my kids get married, but you're losing your peace (if you had any to start with) & sleep over my views & how I choose to parent my kids.

If your 30+, 40+ married kids ring you out of the blues to come home, wear your hero cape, get a bus & go straight to their house to fetch them with their belongings "just because" without any explanations. Good for you.

As for me, if my 30+, 40+ or any age married kids reach out to me to come home out of the blues, I will not be rushing without finding out what happened first. And save the "abusive partners" sob story for yourself & your kids. It's not a possibility in my reality, and if they were in danger of any kind they will definitely know how to save themselves first in that phase of life.
If I'm in danger of any kind at this age & phase of life, I'm calling my mum after removing myself from the situation, I'm not expecting her to come and rescue me at this age. I'll be calling her for emotional support, not physical rescuing.

Again, I wish you lots of peace & healing, it's obvious you're lacking some.

I think it's safe to say that this particular 12 year old child will have realised that already, having lost his father.

How mean can people be? Let a baby cry it out? In the name of sleep training?
Oh well, i get lots of terrifying advice about "sleep training" it's just that no one has the spine to tell me to do that to a baby. But I've been advised severally to just let my toddler cry it out & stop sneaking into my bed at nights, so they can be independent.
Why should a toddler be independent? They're meant to need us, they're at the age, I won't sleep well knowing my toddler is crying themselves to bed just because I won't let them sneak into my bed at nights.

To each its own though.

Levampire , Only last week we crossed paths on a thread , well you’re still the same anyway , the sun didn’t do you any good , you’re still giving out & being unreasonable I see ..( you need to work on your people skills ) …

This boy is 12 , no , not 5 , but a child nonetheless , who has recently lost his father & OP her husband , maybe you should be kinder when offering your opinion , would you agree with me on that one ?…

How was OPS son rude , selfish , immature???
He’s 12 , a kid !! , 12 is not the new 22 , & with regard to being rude to his friend , in my house anyway, my lads would never , ever have feelings of being insulted if their friend wanted to be picked up to go home , they’d completely get it , as I’ve feeling my children are very similar to OPS , good kids who would do the exact same thing , message me if they wanted to come home & I’d go get them , no big deal at all , that’s the way it should be !!..

You really wouldn't have sympathy for a bereaved boy?
Some people on here (and the "friend" of the OP) really need to take a look at themselves.

I feel really sorry for the children of some of these posters. Imagine not caring enough about you children to be there when they need you.

I am 39 and my mum would come straight away if I needed her. I really hope my daughter feels the same way as she gets older.

Siding with your friend on this one.

No yanbu, I’d have done the same.
Firstly, I remember having crippling anxiety as a child staying over night somewhere else, it was horrific and I could never inflict that on my own kids.
Secondly, to the people who are saying he’d have gone to sleep or that she should have found out what was going on before picking him up…. whilst it turned out to be something fixable and minor, what if it hadn’t have been?
what if something had happened that he couldn’t have discussed on the phone? Or he’d witnessed something that had disturbed him? Or worse?
Any number of scenarios could have unfolded and I would never take the risk that knowing my child had asked for help and I’d declined.
If my child needs me, regardless of age, I will go to them, that’s not molly coddling, it’s mothering.

Just to reiterate, I didn’t mention our loss of my husband/dad in my OP, as it didn’t actually factor into my reasoning for picking him up without question. In hindsight, I realise that it would have influenced some posters’ responses (although not all as has become evident).

And yes, although it does probably make him more vulnerable to being insecure or more attached to me and his siblings, if it had not been the case, I would have done exactly the same. As would my late husband when he was still here.

What revealing that information has made apparent, is some posters’ complete and utter lack of compassion and empathy. FWIW, I don’t think any 12yr old child deserves to be labelled as babyish, immature, a wet lettuce(!?!), needing to grow a backbone, rude or any of the other nasty descriptors thrown about on this thread about my child, for simply wanting to come home. But to say it about a little boy who has not long lost his father? What kind of person can say that? Not one with compassion or a heart, that’s for sure.

And for those who will say that they haven’t RTFT, surely it doesn’t take much to read at least my posts, where I mentioned it a few posts in, and not only that it has been spoken about in detail since at least a quarter of the way through the thread.

Some of you may disagree with my decision, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but to belittle and insult my son is, I think, taking it too far.

Thanks to those who have answered me reasonably, whether you agree with my parenting or not.

See I don’t get why people would not pick up their child (unless drunk) - I mean kids can’t always articulate why they feel uncomfortable - they need to know parents have their back not they have to justify wanting some support before it’s given

Oh I do know all this. Not easy is it?

Ironically, this just appeared on my feed on Facebook.

I agree. My friend lived a 10 minute walk away but I still wanted my dad to come and pick me up when I had a sleepover at hers. There was weird tension in the air between her (lovely) mum and dad in the evening and I was homesick in the evening to get away from it. If my parents had said no, I would have spent an awful night there.

only a little?