AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

More than a little. The fuck did I just read?

I’ve just been reading back through and come upon your post. My son is neither selfish nor spoiled.

I don’t thrive on “being needed”, I am needed, as I am all he has left (his siblings aside).

And I wouldn’t get your panties in a bunch about hypothetically not inviting him back, because you don’t sound like the sort of person who if my child was unfortunate enough to be friends with yours, that I would allow him to visit anyway, far less stay overnight.

I am totally with you here, OP.

I would not want my son going to someone's house if they would not invite him again because he asked to go home. Not the kind of people I need in my life. Well done, OP.

Seriously OP reading some of the comments, if I were you right now I would just be thanking my lucky stars that you’re their mother and not some of the awful posters on here. No surprise that so many people can’t get their head around why their adult children have gone no contact with them!

Weldone. Take some virtual hugs.

I so agree.
That some would rather not be inconvenienced by their children and collect them, would sleep well knowing their child was upset staying elsewhere explains so much.

My 16 year old was at an activity a couple of years ago and after two nights of no sleep because one of the girls was snoring loudly, she rang exhausted and wanted to come home.
I rang the teacher in charge and told them I would be collecting her in 90 minutes.
No discussion.
The teacher was lovely.

I was delighted that I was able to do it. I wouldn't have my children feeling distressed if coming home was what they wanted.

It’s not about inconvenience. It’s about developing resilience and the ability to sit with discomfort. That’s an important skill for life. It’s just a different way of parenting.

Oh I’m so sorry I must have not read it properly I didn’t realise he was grieving that’s totally different and understandable

Sitting with discomfort is at the dentist, or in assembly, or at an awards evening for your sibling.

A sleepover is leisure time- it is meant to be fun with friends. Friends who like you despite your quirks, friends who like the whole package. Why pretend with friends?

We read about teenagers following the herd and not saying no- it is no wonder when parents seem to think conformity is to be enforced.

It isn't rude, selfish or childish to put yourself first in some situations. Indeed it is healthy.

I definitely do think there's a bit of a happy medium. I think I'd have tried to find out what was wrong (if he could articulate it) and how to fix that (of possible).

Hungry because he didn't like dinner, can he ask the host for a snack? And then next time he would remember to take snacks with him.

Cold, does he have a hoody/socks he can put on, or does his friend have an extra blanket? Is the window open? Etc.

I'm not saying it was wrong to go for him. I'm definitely from a family of 'any time, any where, I'll be there'. But there's merit in thinking about what the problem is and if there's a fix, tackling it if possible, and learning from it.

Being there for a child can mean just helping them think through problems and solutions and giving them a bit of confidence to act. I'd like my kids to be problem solvers and 'get back on the horse' type adults, so I try to encourage that.

Thank you OP. it's also so reassuring for you to know that so many of us agree with what you did.

I know I'm late to this thread, but I am flabbergasted at the absolutely awful posters here.

I, too fetched my 18 year old out of a dangerous situation of his own making. I will do it again, although I think he's learned his lesson and won't let it get that far again.

I was chatting to my BIL about it the other day and he said he was just lucky growing up that he didn't end up in a really terrible situation as a teenager. He said there was no way he could call his mum in the middle of the night and the fact that he's not dead on a park bench somewhere is pure luck.

Much better that our children know they can rely on us in big and small situations.

The vile posters are probably the same ones that spout "Where were the parents?" when we hear of a teenager dying.

You did right @WhiteWidowWithAttitude . Well done 🤗

Do you know there are some awkward situations teenagers get into that they cannot articulate especially when in the environment.
I for instance was exposed to regularly seeing & touching a grown man's penis, I couldn't language it, but i didn't feel okay with it, but my parents weren't present for me to say I wanted to go to them.
Same environment I saw my aunt & her female friend making out full blown, they didn't even know I walked in on them till date.
I wish there was someone I could talk to to rescue me from the environment, or when I was exposed to porn?
I couldn't language these things, I felt very uncomfortable, I wanted a change, but there was no safe space.
I tried alcohol & smoking as a teenager because I wanted to look "cool".

The boy might have seen or experienced something horrific way over his age that he couldn't language but knew he had to get out of or even his spirit just unsettled him to leave because something that would scar his soul forever was about to happen?
I wouldn't demand explanations from my children especially when they're not at that age yet. I wouldn't want my children to toughen out what is not necessary. Sleepovers are not necessities.
You don't like a subject in school? You must toughen that one out, you don't have to like it. You don't have to like your teacher, he/she is there to impact knowledge, it's not a love relationship, you don't have to like someone or be close to them to learn from them, you'll work with people you don't like in the future.
That's toughening things out. Not sleepovers. What's the long term benefit in it that he should subject himself to torture?

I have in no way suggesting subjecting him to torture. There was no suggestion from the OP that the situation was dangerous or abusive.

I said that I would probably have tried to explore whether the boy could articulate his discomfort and whether there were solutions for that available.

I want my children to be problem solvers, confident, assertive and able to voice concerns. I would like to encourage that where possible, and this may have been a scenario where this could have been possible. Maybe it wasn't. I'm not criticising the OP, I am suggesting an alternative approach I might have taken and why.

For what it's worth, my children have been subjected to abuse by someone very close to them that we trusted. That rocked us to our core but it has made it all the more important for me to help them learn how to voice themselves and ask for what they need to be safe and happy. Sometimes that might be a parent stepping in, but sometimes that is them learning for themselves how to manage the situation.

What kind of parent gets insulted if a child they have staying for a sleepover wants to go home ?????
No seriously , what kind ????..
Thank God none that I know …
“ spoiled “ & “ selfish “ cause a 12 year old child felt a bit homesick & hungry cause he was shy, & didn’t want to say at dinner time that he didn’t like what was for dinner !
I’m actually gobsmacked at the posts here ..
It’s completely normal, things like this happening & you bring your child home ..
Now , I’m done with thread & all the unreasonable people on it 🤯..
I think I’m after getting as annoyed with people for their shitty , crappy attitude as OP has 😂

Your sounds like a lovely mum, OP. My son is a similar age to your ds and I have collected him from a sleepover at midnight. Would do it again and again. Some of the comments on here are just laughable. Not normal and who would criticised a mum collecting her 12 year old boy because he wants to come home. It won't be the last time OP. He will settle in time but at lease he knows he has you especially after losing his dfather. Sorry for the loss of your DH. ❤️

You should tell your friend you're being economical. You'll save thousands on therapy fees x