AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

Hmm. I think there's a line between (1) being 100% there for your children, them know they can depend on you and reach out to you for help, and (2) helping them learn how to manage difficult situations, learn resilience and challenge themselves.

I think I would have had a chat with him, encouraged him to think about how to tackle some of the things he was finding difficult and stay over. If he's not in immediate danger or risk, it's just a situation he finds challenging, and children need to learn how to handle those appropriately.

YADNBU. I’ve done this, when my dd (11) called late at night. I collected her around midnight.
She couldn’t put her finger on what it was that made her feel so uneasy, but as a child who has done many sleepovers since around 7yo, I wanted her to know that her feelings were valid, and that I took her seriously & will collect her when it’s needed. I don’t care about distance, or what time it is, if my kids need me I’ll be there.
OP you did exactly the right thing. Your friend doesn’t know what she’s talking about!

You did read that he lost his father last year?

Even if my child was 17 and uncomfortable and wanted me to come get them, I would. I don't think age matters. I always want my kids to know if they need help, it's available. In this case he probably just felt homesick, but a kid wouldn't always tell you by text exactly what was wrong or making them uncomfortable, so I would always just take them at their word if they said they needed out. For context, I'm a Psychologist and I hear so many stories where terrible things have happened I'm childhood that the kid couldn't communicate or which weren't taken seriously, so I'll always err on the side of caution. I was also an anxious kid who was bullied mercilessly and would have needed out of a sleepover for sure.

I have told my DC that if they every really really want or need to come home they can, no matter how old they are AND if its feasible we will come and get them.
They are not homesick generally, happy to go all over the place but they know that they can always come home if needed

No, people do not choose to be in abusive relationships, but not every relationship can turn into an abusive one as well, no. Both are truths.

I know you believe your kids can get into abusive relationships or a sweet relationship/marriage suddenly turn sour, that's your belief system, that's your reality and that's okay.

What I know is what I believe and that's okay too.

And i talked about my children, not yours, you shouldn't be disturbed and try to shift the focus from the OP. She asked for our opinions, I didn't ask.

I don't understand some of these responses at all. On a recent sleepover thread, most of the posters seemed to be dead set against them because of the danger of abuse etc. This one seems to be the polar opposite and if you're not insisting your dc stay at a sleepover even when they've asked to come home it's now mollycoddling. Utterly bizarre.
OP YANBAAU. I'd do exactly the same. And I'd do it at any age!

I've not read all the comments you've made but ive seen enough.

I wholeheartedly agree with the decision you made. I have the same deal with my kiddo. You want to come home, ring me. Whether it's at a sleepover at 12 or when you've been on the town when he's older and he can't get home cos things have happened out of his control. I always say I may be mad but I will never stop loving you so never be afraid to ring me. We also have a secret code for if he is invited to a sleepover and he doesn't want to go but doesn't want to upset his friend by saying no. Where I am the bad guy to the friend but my son's hero. DS is 12 and autistic so hates upsetting people. It works for us and I will keep doing it well into adulthood. He never stops being my kid, even when he's grown up. I will always show up for him.

Is there? What exactly?

YANBU. At all.

Again I tend not to read replies so I can give a subjective view.

This situation for me would depend on the age of the child. At 12 years old I would be inclined to help him understand I was in my bed & to wait until the morning. If he was hysterical of course I would go out of my way to collect him then consider how to cope with his reaction to a night away from home.

I think you mollycoddled your child but she was wrong to lecture you about it.

I'm so glad you retired. You must have been a terrible therapist.

It’s absolutely great that your child knows that no matter what you will be there to get them.

Mine rang when they needed to and grew up to be strong independent individuals, with empathy for others, and knowing we love them

I haven’t rtft, just your posts OP. I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss, and say that I fully agree with your parenting approach.

Kids need to know they have a safety net. I have a 12 year old son, and I could well imagine getting a late night call to collect him, which I absolutely would do.

He is a confident and capable boy who is willing to try new things BECAUSE he knows I will bail him out if he feels overwhelmed.

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. My kids don’t need a reason to not want to stay somewhere - I will ALWAYS get them. Maybe they feel homesick. Maybe they feel poorly. Maybe the house feels off. Any reason is fine - you call me asking to help, I’ll be there in 5, let me grab my shoes and car keys.
Friend sounds like she needs to wind her neck in.

A 12 year old should be able to walk five streets home. It's not like many secondary school kids where their mates live a fair bus ride away. He was very close.
Unless he's physically disabled.

It's doing him no favours to always pick him up from things. His peers will be starting to do most things alone during the holidays to an extent. Not having mummy 'rescuing' them from everything.

Your friend sounds like a bit of a dick. It’s none of her business anyway, but I totally agree with you going to pick him up.

I want my children to know that they can always call me when they need to come home, no matter their age. I also wouldn’t ask why, as you don’t know who is listening - he’s unlikely to feel comfortable saying “I didn’t like the food, I’m hungry, etc” if someone is there to overhear.

You sound like a great mum. Your friend should mind her own business. I was always the teenager who could call my my parents if I needed help, without having to hide things etc for getting in trouble/being ignored. It’s a wonderful privilege to know you have that support, when so many don’t.

We're all doing the best we can and your son knows you're always there for him. As for his age, we mature at different rates, I hated Guide camp at 11 and was determined to come home the same day.

You won't be able to get your son home soon for love nor money once his hormones hit and he has his Kevin the Teenager moments, but he'll always know Mum's there for him which really matters as he now only has you.

I'm really sorry for yours and his loss.

My late DF would have collected me from college and did indeed collect me from for eg a job interview that went terribly. Didn't stop me from being independent including travelling alone to the other side of the world - arguably it gave me confidence to know he had my back at any age and whatever the circumstance 🤷‍♀️

Think your 12year old needs to grow a back bone really.
Should hl you have been driving if you had had a drink?

You did the right thing. For all you know he could feel uncomfortable about someone trying to sexually abuse him ! I don’t allow sleep overs personally. So I think you are not mollycoddling but being a good mom!!! Imagine your son 20 years from now telling you that he was sexually abused because you didn’t go get him when he asked!!!!