AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

I hope you are delivered from whatever you're going through that makes you this vile & poor on the opinions of a total stranger, opinions that you weren't asked for your input to start with.

I would do exactly what you did, no matter the age of the child. If he felt the need to ask, then that is sufficient reason to go and collect him. You are a magnificent parent.

Thank you again for all the overwhelming support in my decision to pick him up. I said at the start I think, that he has been on a couple of sleepovers before, and despite expressing the next day that although he’d had fun, he felt a bit homesick, he never called to come home from any of those. Which tells me that the fact that he did text from this one, and at midnight, meant that he really did want to come home. He knew I had friends over, he wouldn’t have wanted to disturb my night, he’s a bloody good, caring and considerate child. (Not a wet lettuce or any of the other disgusting things that have been said about a 12yr old boy). So I picked him up. No questions asked. And I’ve made peace with the fact that that was absolutely the correct decision and I’d do it again in a heartbeat.

As I also said, I’ve gone out in the middle of the night for one of my older ones, whose position was 100% of their own making, however, my kids know that I’ll help first and ask questions later. Why the hell would I want my kids to refrain from seeking help from me in case I get mad angry with them, or worse, refuse because “you got your self into it, you can get yourself out of it!”? That is exactly how you might end up with a dead kid, asking yourself “but how did this happen?”

I know that might sound dramatic, but I have seen how life can turn in an instant - both personally and professionally. It’s all fun and games and good times until it’s not.

I also agree with the fact that knowing he can get out of bother if needs be, may actually help him (and the others I suppose), to push their boundaries and do things that they may be otherwise too nervous too, so I don’t think it’s sheltering them from becoming self sufficient, confident humans. In fact my elder kids are very self sufficient and live full and fulfilling lives.

As for the person who wanted him to walk home alone at midnight - just no. I think to allow that really would be bad parenting. And anyway, why would I want to make him walk alone and cold for 15 minutes when God knows who he could have encountered when I could be there in the car, warm and safe in 3?

Respectfully, I think you need to grow some empathy for a 12yr old boy who found himself in an uncomfortable situation he didn’t want to be in.

And if you’d read the thread, I had no alcohol in my system when I went to pick him up.

This post, more than any of the tactless, scathing, nasty posts about my boy, actually made me cry. Because it’s so fucking true. He knows only too damn well that life most certainly does not always go the way he wants. Thank you, truly, for recognising that

This

I would have done the same for my dc. Your friend had had a few too many perhaps. She sounds terrifyingly strident and bossy.

I have a very close friend like yours op, although ive never shared a bed with her- and she took it upon herself to comment on my inability to leave my baby to scream all night. I just said ' don't worry, you'll never be asked to babysit "

Interestingly, the health visitor also informed me I should always put baby in bed at 7pm and ignore til 7am, despite bf and ignore his crying and presumably my leaking boobs:) ignored her as well.

friend often hands me out unwanted advice. I listen and ignore. My grown dc are not molly coddled, and are independent young people. They also know I would be there in a heartbeat if they needed me - they laugh at me now- and offer the same back to.me.

It each my kids they can ALWAYS leave somewhere if they don’t feel comfortable . How are they going to have the courage to leave dangerous situations if they don’t have experience in making that decision and it being supported . I’m 100 with you .. you don’t have to explain to anyone .

You know some threads really bring out the spineless and vile creeps on here. So were being told that a 12 year old child who recently lost his father needs to grow a backbone? What the fuck is wrong with some of the people on here? Are they this spiteful and nasty outside of the internet?

Yeah, just maybe not straight after recently losing his father at 12 years old though eh? You do understand the concept of empathy right?

I very much doubt they are - it’s “safe” for them to spew their anonymous bile on an internet forum - I don’t imagine they’d feel quite so confident or safe saying that to the face of a parent of a child who had not that long ago lost their father.

And it just keep getting more bizarre!!

Oh darling, I didn’t want to make you cry.

i was just so angry at that absolute twat of a poster xx

I wish I knew you in real life Op 💐

And usually I’m a terror in mumsnet (as HQ well know! 😉)

@Lactofull ❤️

Totally agree. Some of the comments here are ridiculous telling you to let your son get on with it! They should be ashamed of themselves. This post makes me feel quite worried that so many would ignore their kids asking for their mums help. Oh well hope they all think twice now!

So glad you realise you made the correct decision.

I also want to thank you for posting this. My 21 year old son went out last night and before he left I reminded him that if he ever needs me I will come out and collect him. No questions asked I will always be there for him. I presumed he knew this anyway which he said he did! but your post made me think a lot and I needed to clarify this with him.

You are a great mum to all your kids no matter their ages we need to be there for them.

and I have never said "when I was your age".

Why do people think a prerequisite of resilience is making a 12 year old child stay away from home when he just wants to be back where he feels happy and secure? That is shitty treatment.

He's more likely to develop resilience knowing his mum has got his back when he's having a tough time.

I wouldn’t have said anything but I’m with your friend . He’s 12 not 6 . He should have realised it was not convenient to anybody for you to pick him up at that time of night. It’s not as if he had a good reason - his friend leaving and being hungry makes him sound like a baby and not mature enough for sleepovers.

Exactly. Just say ‘Zip it, Sarah’, and move on.

I'd pick my son up from anywhere at any time if he needed me. Same with my husband. They'd all do the same for me. Knowing we can rely on each other is foundational, and more important when they're kids, not less.

I also got accused of mollycoddling my son, mostly by my mother. He is now the most independent of all the grandkids, is 17 with 3 part-time jobs, a bus pass, a young person's train card and a savings pot for his first lads holiday. I'm feeling fine about my parenting choices.

Good I'm glad you didn't. Very easy to jump in car and not think about that. Got plenty of empathy for all children but what happens next time a sleepover, a school trip etc crops up?

I have a twelve year old boy and he has had countless sleepovers, however one night he contacted me to say he wanted to come home. I went and collected him. He has slept over there before but this time he just wanted home. Similarly the same friend has stayed at ours many times but one night felt that he wanted to go home - which he did. No hard feelings from either side. As a parent I don't generally expect to sleep much when there's a sleepover happening! They've slept over at each other's since then with no bother. I've actually had discussions with many friends of kids of a similar age recently and a common trait seems to be that sometimes the kids are brimming with confidence and don't give their parents a second thought, other times they need home and the security that brings. In my case I'm 100% certain that my child was safe where he was and that nothing untoward was happening but was also 100% certain that he was coming home when he wanted to. He hasn't lost a parent, or anyone else close to him, and has had no major upheaval in his life but he knows that we're there for him when he needs us. My kids will grow their backbone because of us, not despite us.