AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

You should have ignored your 12 year old child’s text , who says something like that ! What kind of mother does that to their child ????
Seriously OP , does she gave kids herself ??
I have done the exact same as you , if my child isn’t happy & wants to come home from someplace , well I’m going to go & get them ..
This rubbish of teaching them resilience 🙄
He’s Just a kid !!! You pick them up if they want to come home , End of …..

Of course you did the right thing i am surprised you need to ask really. He is only 12 years old and wanted to come home. If my 21 year old son called me and wanted me to collect him I would be there in a shot! I wouldn't care what other people think it's none of their business. You are a good caring mum well done for prioritising your sons needs!

Of course you did the right thing i am surprised you need to ask really. He is only 12 years old and wanted to come home. If my 21 year old son called me and wanted me to collect him I would be there in a shot! I wouldn't care what other people think it's none of their business. You are a good caring mum well done for prioritising your sons needs!

To be quite honest with you, your gut should be your answer here.

Always trust in your gut.

Personally I would have done the same... You want your children, at any age, to feel that theyre going to be taken seriously enough when they ask for help, whether thats with girlfriend troubles, shitty letter home from school, or the reason he ended up paraletic on the living room rug.

I have a 2.5 year old and a 4 year old so im sure theres many that will say to me 'Ah but youve not got a teen" but at the moment, from my view point I would say nothing would stop me from responding to help.

Also congratulate yourself that your lad ACTUALLY trusts you enough that youll respond in a emotionally mature way, and be available for him without much in the way of judgement. He feels safe in your parenting and thats to be commended. I had a very uneasy set of parents personally and they were the sort you felt you couldn't open up to. Led to a huge amount of anxiety.

Your mate however... Maybe you need to air those feelings on a one to one when your lad next goes over to a mates one evening - without the wine this time, just in case it gets emotional. If it hurt you, and you cherish her friendship it will show that you are going to her because you VALUE her friendship.

Nice post btw, it read really easily and well. You did good Mum, I hope I manage to take a leaf out of your book when my youngest is 12. Over and out x

I would have done exactly what you did and probably have told my friend that her opinion was not asked for. I cannot believe how unpleasant people have been in this thread, I would lay money on the fact that your child will grow up to be a more secure and nicer human being than the children of some people posting here.

I think anyone that says you are coddling either doesn’t have kids, or has some seriously old-fashioned beliefs that ‘the old way is the best way!’. If your child (a 12 year old is a child), has asked for you, and feels comfortable asking for help, that says a lot more about your decent parenting than anything else.

I would absolutely do the same.

Well done you 👏🏻

To the parents that said they would have let their kids “tough it out”, you need to consider why a child might have asked to leave… has something happened that’s made them uncomfortable, and they don’t want to just say it? I’m not saying this is every case, but I’m sure it is some.
“Tough it out” should have been left in the 50’s.

None of her business and she should not be commenting in your parenting. Tell her that and don’t be backed into a corner explaining yourself; you don’t have to justify yourself to her.

I would have gone. I don’t understand any of these ‘let them ride it out’ posters. If he felt like he needed to reach out, isn’t normally a diva and you were able to, why wouldn’t you get him? Baffling.

I collected my daughter when she was upset a couple of weeks ago. She is 30 and has her own flat. but I have always told the kids they can call on me if necessary - it almost never happens, but still....... Don't judge me!

UANBU. Completely with you. My kids call and il be there. Anytime for any reason. It’s not mollycoddling. It’s being their safe and reliable person

YANBU I'd have collected him too ❤.

This

Now having read that he lost his dad recently- are some of the people on this thread KIDDING!??
OP you were 100% right and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. I would have done the same even if my child hadn't suffered such a loss.
The audacity of people suggesting a recently bereaved 12 yo should be told to suck it up!

It's lovely that your DC can depend on you to be supportive.
Your friend should mind her own business.
Continue to be amazing.
I'm sorry for your loss.

No I think you did absolutely the right thing for the circumstances.

Obviously if you hadn’t been able to so easily get DS, I’m sure you would have explored it a bit more on the phone first.

I don’t think this is mollycoddling. If he was uncomfortable in their house for whatever reason he shouldn’t have to stay there.

Odd that you rushed over to help without asking him the specifics. Agree with the ‘in between’ responses that I would at least have asked why and tried to persuade him to stay. If, after that conversation hadn’t worked, I would have collected him. If he was much younger it would be obvious to just go and get him, but at that age he should be able to manage.

I do agree about wider issues concerning resilience though and if he asks you again, to say no or have an understanding that even if things aren’t perfect he needs to stick it out. It’s a good potential learning exercise. You don’t want to pander at this age.

I am seeing so many more parents pander to their children thinking it’s loving and kind. Actually they’re just making it harder for children to cope in the outside world and are making rods for their own backs.

YANBU your child has expressed his desire to come home. You could facilitate it and as such did. We often find in children that there’s “more” to the story than they tell you. I’ve always told mine if you want to come home I will come for you because I want them to trust me. I have been out for both and will continue to do so, IMO you’re an awesome mum with kids who trust you @WhiteWidowWithAttitude

Would you really let a 12 year old walk home alone at midnight?

If it was a few streets away and a journey they'd gone before, and they claimed they wanted to go home, yes. Unless something terrible happened they shouldn't leave their friends home so late.

They need to know that they can use their legs but there isn't a taxi service from their parents at whim for five blocks in the middle of the night.

My family and most others I know didn't have a car or money for taxis and no kids died from walking five minutes home so far?

Oh this is a no brainer! You get the kid, every time. They need to know you're there for them, not just when it's convenient.

I've only read a few replies (I've no doubt there's been dumbfuckery of the highest order) & all of yours, OP. You're doing some excellent mumming in a difficult time of your (and your kids!) lives. That your son feels safe & unjudged in reaching out when he needs you speaks to that.

So, nice work!

This is absolutely deranged

Ok we agree to completely disagree on this, daytime fine.

OP said it was 16m on foot.

Yeah that's cool. I think that to come pick kids up every time they ask is teaching them lack of resilience. You went there (a very short journey away) by choice. Either stay there or walk home. At secondary school age you shouldn't treat your mum like a taxi service.

I was always there for my kids. They need to trust that if they need help you will give it. And what if something distressing had happened and he didn’t feel able to talk/text about it? I well remember going out after midnight to pick up my 19 yo son who had got very drunk, had no money to get home and didn’t know where he was (had gone with some girls from one party to another and then apparently they kicked him out). I had to get him to walk along the street to find a street name. He was incredibly apologetic (and didn’t make a habit of this) but bottom line he needed help. I am sure many of those mumsnetters siding with you will also think I was ridiculously indulgent. But I don’t care. I think it’s what you do.