AIBU to feel (a little bit) hacked off by being accused of mollycoddling my child!

[WhiteWidowWithAttitude]

My youngest DC (of four) 12yo, went on a sleepover. He has only been on a couple, which he has enjoyed but has said the next day that he was homesick and missed me and his siblings. Just for some context, his friend’s house is in the same suburb, maybe 5 streets away, approx a 3-4 minute drive.

On the night he was away, I had a few of my girlfriends over for cocktails and food, a couple of whom were staying overnight with me. We had all worked a really long week, so by 11pm, were pretty much in bed and half asleep. I had only had a glass of wine, as was knackered, and we had plans for the morning.

Just before midnight I got a text from 12yo saying “mum, is there any chance you can come and get me please, I want to come home”. I replied that I’d be there in 10 minutes and got up and started putting my boots and coat on to go and grab him. My girlfriend who was sleeping in my bed with me stirred when I was getting ready (in the dark - I didn’t turn on the light or anything), and asked me what I was doing. I replied that X had messaged me to come home and I was just popping out to get him. She then asked “what’s wrong with X, why does he want to come home at this time?” I just said “not sure, im sure I’ll find out soon enough”, and left.

Turned out when I picked up X, it was just a combination of things - his best friend at the sleepover had gone home last minute when their mum had got a message re an unexpected sporting event early in the morning. X was also hungry as hadn’t really liked what was for dinner so hadn’t eaten much, and he was also just homesick.

We were home in 10 minutes, I made him a sandwich, gave him a cuddle, and he was in bed asleep in no time, at which point I crept back into my bed, and slept too. My friend didn’t stir when I got back.

The next morning, when everyone was up, ready, drinking coffee and getting ready for the day, my girlfriend accused me of mollycoddling my child, said I should have either asked him what was wrong and why he wanted to come home, and said that his reasons weren’t a big deal and he could just have waited until the morning, or just have ignored his text and “he’d have fallen asleep and been fine”. I just said that if one of my kids want to come home, then I’m going to get them if I can.

She continued that I was mollycoddling and babying him. My children range in age from 12-21, and I told her that if any of them tell me they want/need to come home, then I trust that they have their reasons and will facilitate it if at all possible. She is adamant that I’m not doing them any favours and should “let them get on with it unless it’s an emergency”.

I know her opinion doesn’t mean I should change how I respond to my children’s needs, and I haven’t and wouldn’t let it affect our friendship, but it has made me feel a bit annoyed by her judgement of my parenting.

Sorry for the essay, but I didn’t want to be slammed for the Mumsnet crime of drip feeding so tried to include everything.

I suppose my question is, was I being unreasonable for how I acted, is this what others would do in the same or similar situation?

You sound like a first class parent. I have worked with young people experiencing mental health issues please don't change.

There was a thread recently about a mother being upset that school didn't contact her when her daughter was upset on a residential trip. This was primary, so younger than 12.

And I think there were a lot more people accusing her of mollycoddling than on here.

Is it because girls are supposed to cope?

Not going to say what you sound like

yanbu. there are many children who wish they had a parent like you to save them at whatever hour at whatever age. You're completely right to feel annoyed with your friend. Keep doing what you're doing OP!

Poor guy is only 12!!!! He will only be so sweet and missing his mommy for 5 more minutes. Lost his dad makes him vulnerable. I don’t understand people who are so in a hurry for kids to grow up. Mollycoddling is not letting them cook or clean at 12. When it comes to sleepovers I don’t even allow them and that is because 90% of sexual abuse I have heard of happened at the trusted friends sleepover

No you responded your child's needs the way you wished to. Its none of your friends business...next time remind him to pack some snacks

I would have asked why for sure. If I really felt he was very unhappy of course I’d have gone , but his friend leaving and the fact he hadn’t eaten the food offered wouldn’t have been my idea of needing to be picked up at midnight . I’d have told him that I’ll pick him up first thing in the morning and he should just get his head down … jumping at children’s beck and call never does them any favours in the long term , neither does it do you any .. you need time for you too .

Number one parenting mantra: “Whatever the problem, whatever the time - phone me and I will come and help you.”
Number two parenting mantra: “We always love to have you at home. If you ever want to come home and can’t find your way, we will come and get you.”

You were completely right.

I would let that affect my friendship, who says that to someone?

I think it's really nice that you trust your children's decision making and are there to support it.

I went to a party with friends once with a group we didn't know too well as teenagers, the vibe was weird, felt really unwelcome and we all agreed we wanted to go home after about 30mins! Rang my dad, he picked us up, I would have felt so unsupported if he'd said no or even questioned me.

I think you did the right thing by 100%. I think it’s good children know they can trust their parents to come and get them if they ask.
if something bad was happening (not saying it was) you’d always want your child to contact you

It's always surprising to me when parents don't put their children first. So you did the right thing in my eyes OP. It wasn't even a big inconvenience to you and your kid will know you are a great mum who was always there for him without it being an argument or his feelings needing to be justified. Your friend has overstepped. And if she is a mum I wouldn't have much respect for her parenting either.

We actually have a code phrase for our DC if they ever want to leave but don't feel they can say so - they ask how the dog is.
We started it when DD started to go to school parties around 15/16 but she never used it. She is away at Uni now and she messaged me to ask after the dog - I was about to get in the car until DH phoned her and she realised she had forgotten the code and was genuinely wondring how the dog was after a vet visit!

I don't care if my kid is 12/21/101 if they call me and ask to be picked up and I can I am there asap. In this day and age I would rather be safe than sorry.
if that is mollycoddling I am taking the title
moddycodddling queen! Good for you mama .. your child called and you responded.

I think you are both right but you more so. Some twelve year olds are closer to eleven and some twelve year olds are closer to thirteen. Your son knew you were nearby and so decided he was ready to go home. I would have picked my child up also under those circumstances. You have to know your child and react accordingly. Your friend shared her opinion based on her parenting style, now she needs to keep her opinions to herself. Parenting is not a one size fits all.

All I see is a mum with a really good relationship with her son. Although saying that I would have tried to convince him to stay the night as to not upset the child's whose sleepover it is plus I wouldn't want to get my other children out of bed and into the car. But if he really wanted to come home I would have got him.

I would have done the same OP. There are circumstances where I would be less likely to for example a school trip, but somewhere nearby, at a friend's house where they just want to come home is different. Never will I tell my daughter she can't come home to her own house and her own bed when it's perfectly reasonable for her to.

It's none of your friend's business at all and there's no 'mollycoddling' - just a mum being there for her child.

That's fucking horrible considering the OP has shared that they have recently lost his father.

I'm sorry - I'm struggling to understand anything you've said!

Also I went home from sleepovers all the time - my friend's house was always cold and she snored so on nights where one or both was unbearable I'd often go home. I still prefer to sleep at home than anywhere else and I've had many sleepovers in many circumstances since then. There's no damage being done to your son by you collecting him and bringing him to where he wants to be.

I wouldn’t bother
it is both tactical and disturbing!

People parent differently, your friend has a right to her opinions, as you do to yours.

Neither is wrong, but you asked.

At 12, I'd have reassured him and picked up in the morning. A lesson on not quiting on the friend just because his other friend left.
Understandable with the 19yr old, but he was safe.

Also, wouldn't lose a friend over this. It's the equivalent of LTB.
people are weirdly quick to condemn relationships as if they never make mistakes or always agree with friends, partners & family.

You absolutely did the right thing. Children are different. My daughter was confident and loved sleepovers , my son not so much. I also picked him up from his friends’ whenever he felt uncomfortable. Luckily his friends’ parents were very empathetic and understanding so there was no drama. It is important for children to feel safe and to know that their parents have their back, always. My son, now a confident man with a high powered profession, himself a father, always told me he was grateful to me for fetching him when he felt nervous and homesick at his friends’ house. He had frequent nightmares and felt safe in his own bed at home. You advocated for your child which is something to be commanded for not criticised. Well done, mama. Your child will be well grounded because he learnt all about trust. Your friend has the right to her opinion about your business and you have the right to ignore it of course.

Nope I would have got my child too.

My mother was similar to your friend and honestly I felt like she didn’t care/ love for me. Im
pretty sure she autistic and sees things as black and white / less emotions

I’ve done exactly as you for my DS’s and would do again. My parents would have done the same for me and I’m a fully functioning adult!. There’s a time and place for being independent. Agree with those who suggest talking to your friend about feeling judged whilst stating your values. It’s total nonsense to say a child should be able to cope with events ie sleep overs at a particular age, key is he recognised he was uncomfortable and was able to come home. Agree exploring when home his thinking to understand for another time .

I still remember my DM refusing to pick me up from a sleepover at a similar age as your DS OP. It was incredibly hurtful and I still remember it to this day. I felt ill and ended up having a panic attack but she was adamant she wasn’t coming to get me (about a 25 min drive away). My DM is the nicest person I know and to this day I cannot understand why she refused. It was hurtful and made me nervous about sleepovers for many years afterwards. You did the right thing.