DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

It’s funny your justification of her being an adult to handle this alone yet any adult I know would be welcome at their parents house with their partner staying.

This

You and your DH sound completely uptight. Okay, it's your home and your decision, but it's ridiculous.

If you really cannot countenance them sharing a bed then offer the spare room or a blow up mattress in the sitting room. At least show a little willingness to find a reasonable compromise. TBH you sound scared of your DH.

Just not something I'm comfortable with.

Place “all” of this on you?

You tell your husband, btw, DD’s bf is staying for a couple of nights next week. Hardly onerous.

Blimey this is all very 1950s! Your dd is an adult, treat her like one.

You and your DH are a parental unit and should be aligned on your position on certain things. Your daughter shouldn't have to get parental approval X2. If one of you says yes and the other says no - no matter what the topic is - then what is she meant to do? That's not fair on her.

She has come to you to ask a question. If you are fine with the boyfriend staying, you give that permission. If not, you say no. This is on behalf of you and your DH. If you think you and your DH might have different views, you tell her you will take it away and you and DH will talk about it. One of you then comes back to her with your agreed position.

YABU to palm off responsibility of the two of you being a parental unit onto your daughter.

It’s the husbands house as well so why doesn’t he get a say? Just because he’s a man?

Op stop looking for validation here. You dont need it. You're the parent! You made a choice to say she needs to ask herself, dont 2nd guess yourself. You didnt make a life changing serious, world domination choice. You're daughter is making you feel gulity and acting like you done her wrong. Don't fall for it. You didnt take her bloody inheritance away for god sake! And also why is everyone here dying over her dad not wanting her bf over. My parents didnt allow it either big bloody deal.

Because that would mean hes abusive and the wife is enabling him 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ but yet if the op was worded different but same issue the response would be his house his rules.

It's not only his house though. Where multiple adults live together not every temporary change needs to be agreed upon. What an exhausting way to live.

For sons as well as daughters?

One of my son’s gf is coming over for the weekend. It’ll be my first time meeting her but I trust my son’s judgement. There isn’t any reason I can think of why I’d say no.

When your daughter has her own home, would you and DH expect to be able to stay over together?

Sounds like a ‘ you’ problem

Your house your rules. If she wants him to stay she should ask, after all as everyone has pointed out she’s an adult so more than capable.

Yes for both. I wouldn't want son's GF staying over either.

Interested to know why?

There are many cultures or families where its not the norm for child, even as a young adult to have their boyfriend or girlfriend sleep over.

It's a spectrum. Some parents are very comfortable with their children (even as teenagers) having partners over and even having sex under their roof.

There's no rules to how people should parent. In any case children should respect their parent's boundaries.

Personally, I have no problem with my sons’ gf’s staying over. A different girl every week would be an issue but they are steady gf’s. They are both actually going to be here at the same time for a few days soon. It would seem really wierd to me to tell my sons they couldn't have their gf’s here. What would be the purpose?

How old are your kids at the moment?

Now you're saying they are your rules, at the start they were your husbands rules. Which is it? If you are saying no because you don't want BF to stay over you're going to have to own it. No wonder DD is annoyed with you, she has approached one of her parents, who has asked much say as the other and got stuck playing games because you won't own your opinion.

The person being immature here is you.

An adult having another adult sleepover is uncomfortable for you?

And they’re adults, not their adults.

Exactly. Adults can get their own place.

They are adults, not children.

Adults can get their own accommodation.