DD21 upset with me AIBU or is she

[ML5]

DD21 has a BF (23) all fine no issues there. However they are off soon to a festival next month and she wants me to tell DH that she wants her BF to stay round for 2 nights. I know she’s an Adult however this is not something that DH will agree to as he’s very old school if that makes sense. I’ve told her she has to mention herself and not to tell me to mention as it’s not really down to me to. So now she’s upset with me cos I’m not “helping her out” and according to DD21 “you have ruined my night”.
So AIBU to not mention it or is DD21 being unreasonable. I do feel that it’s not fair for her to get upset with me as I feel as an Adult she should take responsibility herself and mention it.

Of course they can. But why do you care?

Re. You being old fashioned- your house your rules. My husband’s mum is catholic and wouldn’t let us share a bed until we were married. I completely respected this and stayed in another room /bed.

Re. her asking: you are completely right. She needs to ask him herself.

Well u have the mind completely made up,
what are you looking for here ?
I thought you wanted opinions ?
if that is the case, I vote YABU -her request seems reasonable -
but the I don’t completely agree / I don’t want him here and the ask your dad move is weird -
just be honest with her / yourself
you aren’t up for this,
DD needs to explore other options - you have your view, own it, or be open to other perspectives?

You not been paying attention to the state of the country and economy?

You had it a lot easier than your kids have it. What you could get on a new starter salary in the workforce does not provide the same now. Kids need to live at home longer now, that doesn’t mean they’re not adults and shouldn’t be allowed to have their boyfriend stop over.

It’s the reality of the world now. And utterly
stupid to say, “oh, I’m uncomfortable.” How ridiculous of a grown adult… uncomfortable about an adult having their partner round.

So if you’re not worried about it and you’re ok with it why not help her out? She is your daughter, why wouldn’t you?

Well it's the sort of thing I would have asked my mother to do because I couldn't have trusted my father not to explode and be abusive. If that's how he would respond, that's why she's asking you.

And from your replies you have posted in the wrong place. Why post in AIBU if you are going to keep saying you are not?

If you’re happy for him to stay over, then it really doesn’t matter who mentions it to your husband.
if he isn’t happy for him to stay over, then he can say so to DD

but actually sounds like YOU don’t want him to stay over, but didn’t want to have that discussion with your DD, or deal with her being upset, so tried to push the decision onto your husband by insisting that DD ask him herself.

and now you’re pissed off that it backfired, and DD is upset with you either way.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of the OP's and her DH's opinion on this - and it's not for us to judge - the 21 year old should be asking her dad herself and not pushing her mum to speak to him. She's being manipulative.

Your DD knows you are the softer to approach, and your DH the difficult one to deal with.

It's why she's putting the pressure on you and blaming you for not helping her. She really doesn't want to have a confrontation with her father. She's 21 and while still young, she's an adult and has to bring her battle to the right person - her father.

Personally, I'd talk about it with my husband.... but my husband is the softie. Only you know if mentioning the issue can get your DH even more entrenched in his views, and it's time your DD fights her own battles with your husband.

Not everyone wants random young men they don't know wandering down to breakfast and sharing their space. Some fathers don't want to think about their daughters being shagged silly by said randoms either.
Their house their rules.

I care what about who and what occurs is in my house

I'm not telling you how to run your household. Do you up please.

Certainly not going to take any direction from an Internet stranger on how to operate my house.

Fine, but why? if it's just "cause I said so" then fine, but that's stupid.

I'm pretty comfortable with you believing you are intellectual superior to anyone who may think differently to you.

You both seem ridiculously uptight.

To be fair you don't sound remotely intellectual....

Okay🤷‍♀️

When I first got with my now husband at 23 he had to sleep in a separate room to me when staying at my parents for quite a while. It just made them uncomfortable and it’s their house. Didn’t particularly bother us and we all have a great relationship. Not the end of the world.

I think it’s a shame there is so much conflict about something that in 2025 doesn’t seem a very big deal unless you’re very religious or of a significantly different culture. Maybe it’s because I have sons but their (steady) gf’s are welcome here any time. My son has been dating someone since he started uni last year and he recently said ‘gf is coming soon, I said how long for, a few days, I said great it’ll be nice to meet her. Obviously she’s staying here. There couldn’t have been less drama.

He’s already stayed at her parents (in fact he’s been there a few days now).

My parents would have been like this but I am now 70 and they would be about 100 or more if they were still alive. I am really surprised that people still think this way unless there are cultural/religious issues going on. OK so maybe OP and her DH think 21 is still quite young, but at what age (if any at all) would they be OK with it? At 30, 40, 50, 60? I am also assuming the DD is currently living with them but what about once she has moved out, will she then be allowed to visit with whatever DP she is with or will they still be banned? Presumably the thin walls aren't likely to get any thicker unless that is what the renovations are for.

Not very hospitable though is it! If I told my son they’d have to go and book a hotel because they can't be under my roof (even though this is his home) I think that would be horrible of me. OP hasn’t said if they are a strict religious family but if not then why the uptightness. Do they not trust their dd’s judgement in her choice of bf?

Good point about what happens if they live together.

Would that make a difference to sleeping arrangements on visits or would bf still be banned from over nighters (assuming he’s likely to be banned at present). Or any bf she lives with. Other than religion what on earth is the issue?

YABVU to start this thread, implying that it was your dh who doesn't "approve" of your dd's partner staying, when, in the end, once pressed, you admit you feel the same.

Why not own it ?
Why not start a thread saying A(we)BU to not let dd's partner stay over for two nights to help their logistics when going to this festival ?
Are you embarrassed about your stance?

You're very welcome to invite whoever you wish into your house, and restrict entry to whoever.

OP is also within that right. Think people on this thread are over invested in the preferences of Internet strangers.

Some people don't really like he house guests in their space. I think a lot of people would prefer not to have guests if their house is a construction zone. It's not that unusual.